predictable

I'll just come out and say it-I'm predictable. Or at least I feel predictable. I dream big but do very little to follow thru.  I make "goals" and "To do lists"; get tools to move forward to make the changes I desire.  I even look for peeps who share similar desire for change or whom do what it is I wish to do in hopes of drawing strength and inspiration.  I follow "them" (changes) for a spell and then "sha zam" I've fallen off the "change" wagon.

And evidently, I'm also not a multi-tasker.  Because heaven forbid I could work on "changing" more than one thing at a time. And this time round I'm not even sure I really care that I'm leaning towards falling off the change wagon. again.  Maybe I like using excuses to get out of things.  Maybe I like being limited. Maybe the real problem is that I lack discipline and have no desire for discipline. I think. Maybe I'm just lazy. How the hell does one figure this crap out?

Maybe I like who I am; like the pace that I am going at in life. I'm not in a bad position in life. and I'm not really back pedaling (except with spending/paying off things). Everything I do typically is for a specific purpose. Granted I'm not "outwardly" an overly happy person but I contribute that to the fact that my brain NEVER shuts off. I'm always thinking; even in my sleep. and if I'm always thinking about things I sometimes forget to smile and just plain have fun.

I love reading books. I love self help books. I love teaching/showing people new ways of doing things or that I know a lot of information. I also love being alone but I do occasionally like to hang out with others doing things. I"m pretty resourceful and creative. But I just can't find a creative way to love exercise. at least not right now. I always feel like "go go go" but truthfully if you were to have me write down all the things I do you would see that I actually have plenty of  time to work in exercise and some fun exercise.  

Do written schedules really work? How do you retrain yourself to love being up verse going back to bed (especially when you really don't need the sleep)? I was reading the other day that if you want to change a bad habit to a good habit that you should start small... But what's starting small? and goals...how are goal lists made? I would assume that my goals are too broad (pay off credit card) but not sure how to "narrow it down"?

maybe I'm just confused about what I should be doing.  wouldn't be the first time.

Hmmmmm...as I was saying....

...quick recap of last weeks goals. My goals for the week were:


1) Drink 106 oz (min) of water (no additives-just straight water)
(did this with NO problem. Most days I exceeded my minimum...)

2) get straight out of bed right when the alarm goes off at 6am all work week
(Ummmm...not so well on this one...I was able to get moving by 630 each work day...)

3) Mon, Wed, Fri go to the gym during lunch for 30 mins of cycling
(Ah yeah...REALLY need to work on this-managed 1 day during lunch)

4) take my multi-vitamin and other supplements each morning prior to leaving the house (totally smoke checked this one..until the weekend...at which time I would have to go back to take them)

5) brown bag lunch 4 of the 5 days of work
(totally smoke checked this one too!! yeah for me-ate 4 of the 5 days at work by bringing my lunch)

6) write down what I eat
(Another one I need to work on...was real strong at the beginning of the week but then lacked enthusiasm towards the end)

On one hand I didn't do so bad. I had a very upbeat week and am sad to see it go. I hope that the weeks ahead continue to be upbeat because it is so much better than the alternative!! The water consumption was A LOT easier than I had anticipated, as was the brown bag lunch, but I forgot how hard it can be to write things down that I eat. Thankfully (and amazingly) by the end of the week my "snacking" had pretty much vanished. I bought a bunch of fruit (bananas, apples, oranges) and found that those filled some voids nicely. There were a few days that I ate very minimal (so unlike me) and had I taken the time at 5pm I could have easily written down what I had for the day. Shoot-to this day I can still remember what I had weds and friday(banana, hardboiled egg, salmon patties, orange, a cup of coffee, and tons of water).

So this week, what's on the goal list??? I dunno...I haven't mastered the first six. And I'll be honest-I'm not digging the writing stuff down--Is it really worth it?

When Emotions run amuck...

So much on my mind-so hard to put into write-able words. I've really been struggling emotionally lately and I'm not sure why. Nothing I do seems to work "right" (aka the way I would hope them to). I've been struggling greatly with being very irritable. I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either. I have had so much of it lately and I don't have a logical reason. There are some moments that I swear I must be going through menopause (supposedly, that isn't it). I've had tests done in hopes of finding an explanation only to find out that I have a "slight vitamin d deficiency" (which they told me was not that big of a deficiency so that couldn't quite possibly be why I was feeling the way I was feeling). I have a real good life, I've accomplished a lot, I have a lot of people who love me. Why? What do I do (or what did I do to deserve these emotions)? I admit that I haven't always had a good life but that was years ago; the past is the past, right? and besides, it's obvious that I survived...

And as I struggle with these (and other emotions) I struggle with my weight. I struggle with working out. It seems like a constant f'ing battle. I've been working out regularly since January 2010. By regular I mean 4 to 5 days a week, over my "regular" walking (aka walking the dog or getting away from my desk). I have been "watching" what I eat, incorporating more veggies and fruits. I've been taking supplements to help with the "slight vitamin d deficiency". Granted I have not been "boot camp" strict about food but I feel that I have been honest about the process. To date, I have NOT lost any weight. NONE. Zilch. Nada. I'll loose a few pounds, gain them back. Thankfully my clothes are fitting better so what I've done this far has not been a total waste. BUT...it's (the not losing any weight) making it a real chore to get moving. Some days the only reason I move is because my bones feel better...

So, how do I change my brain waves? How do I learn to enjoy exercising? I want to love to jog....I want to enjoy being fit....HELP!!!! :O)

mid week recap...

I'm not going to lie...I've had a pretty outstanding week thus far (despite being crabby as all get out!!). I am down four pounds and have done some form of exercise each day. Today instead of staying inside at the gym, my pal and I are going to walk around St. Louis again-between 3 and 4 miles (haven't decided).



Tomorrow is scheduled as my day of rest...which I'm kind of looking forward to...but I'm sure I will do something (walking?cleaning house?) to burn some calories! More calories out than in right!!?

Another reason for an outstanding week is because my friend, who has been in the hospital for 21 days, is doing sooo sooo much better. He went to the hospital on Feb 28 because he was still running a fever, severely dehydrated, etc. Thought he just had a "lil bug"...turns out he had H1N1, which turned into severe pnemonia. He has been heavily sedated for much of the time..until yesterday...at which time they took out all his tubes (cuz he no longer needed them-yeay) and took him off the certain sedations. He is awake and smiling, hugging his dad, and trying to crack jokes!! He's got a long way to go but I'm so excited for him, his wife, and family.

Piss poor planning on my part does not constitute an ER on my body's part!

Holy cow!! It’s pretty safe to say I’m crabby as all get out. I feel like a vulture waiting for their prey…ready to strike at a moments notice from out of NO WHERE! Thankfully I can think before I speak; not an easy task but it has gotten easier as I’ve aged. And I’m not quite sure why I’m so crabby considering it isn’t THAT time of month (although I am having a hard time focusing and I’ve been “craving” chocolate). I know I didn’t sleep real well last night but that’s really nothing new. Oh well….I’ll just keep to myself until “it’s all better.”

Re-cap of last week (Mon to Sun). I got to the gym 3 of the 5 week days; nothing on Sat/Sun. My food intake during the week was great considering it was all planned out. Sat/Sun I was on the road so eating was not planned. Only thing good I can say about my food choices for Sat/Sun is that I ate in moderation. The high point of the week was when I jogged for ¾ of a mile WITH OUT stopping. Low point was lack of adequate sleep Sat/Sun. Moral of the week is: planning is everything!

So let me plan ahead for the week and see how that goes. My goals for this week lean towards exercise; I have less than four weeks until my first ½ marathon and I am only up to 8 miles at once. M-F lunches will be spent in the gym. M-W-F I will bike for 45 minutes with minimum of 16 miles to be done. The other 15 minutes in the gym are up in the air (for W-F). I haven’t decided fully what T-Th will be but I do know I want to do a minimum of 10 minutes on the elliptical and jogging on the treadmill (my goal is to work up to 3 miles jogging w/out stop; I just don’t know how long it will take me to get there). 3 of the 5 nights during the work week will be spent walking/biking the neighborhood. Saturday is going to be my “day of rest” and Sunday I will do 11.15 miles walking.



I will tweak this “chart” as I go along. Eventually I would like to get myself up to 30 mins on the elliptical and rest on treadmill. Also, once I am done with the ½ marathon I will be walking outside a few days a week (gotta get my vitamin D). I was able to get and keep myself at the gym today and logged 16.2 miles in the 45 mins.

Response to a friends inquiry....

One of fave gal pals (Cari) asked me a great question today and I thought I would share the question with you for your insight on the topic. This journey to a healthier life style for all of us will take tweeking (I assume). What works today may not work tomorrow. What is being implemented (see my response to her question below) may not be at all right for a 40 year old gal (ok, I'm 39 and 3/4ths); although it seems to be making me feel better. What works when you're 40 may not work when your 50. Do you know what I mean?

Her question was: "What program or just what tips are you using to lose weight?"

My response was:

'No real program, just using tips from different programs/guidelines. For me I need/ed to change my mindset....

Since the beginning of the year (and signing up for the half) I continually tell myself "run Forrest run" and "slow and steady wins the race". What I mean by these famous quotes is to just keep going physically, keep it consistent, and watch my portions. The weight won't stay off if I lose it really quick and go back to past eating habits (which are to over indulge and not pay attention to what is going in my mouth).

I plan ahead what I am going to eat during the day and keep it pretty much the same (changing only one variable-which is meat-for lunch). For breakfast I have a bowl of special K strawberry (by 730), yogurt for a snack (900 or 930), lunch about noon, and a snack (fruit natural’s fruit cup) sometime between noon and 4. I came across a recipe for "one dish meals" that have everything my body needs for a healthy lunch meal (meat, pasta, can tomatoes/ff mush soup, & veggie).

For the most part leave dinner as a "freebie" so that I can enjoy dinner with the hubby BUT I do try to skim it back (as in not a full portion). I'll have a half a cup of yogurt with FB around 8pm and I have some candy (yes candy) between dinner and bedtime.

As for exercise-anytime I can walk I do. If I can't walk I do the bike. I've recently started including the elliptical machine during the week. The goal is to do a minimum of 3 miles of some sort of exercise outside of my normal day to day walking. So far I've been successful at this goal average 4 out of 7 days of the week. Saturdays have been the hardest and I'm not sure why (ok I do-laziness).

I still need to work at these but it is getting easier. I've lost about 1 to 1.5 a week (according to the scale). My clothes are fitting nicer and my endurance is up. I won't reach my goal of losing 60 pounds by July 8th BUT I will have a lost a substantial amount of blubber by then.'


BTW: I am just a blogger, not a doctor or any sort of professional. What you read here are my personal experiences and opinions. Of course, always consult your doctor before trying a diet or new workout program.