Tuesday, April 26, 2016

What are you going to do?

What are you going to do? He said it three times. What are you going to do? Each time he asked he said it a lil more desperately.  All I could say is "I don't know fully but definetly pursue professional advancement in my field; I do have a Master's Degree after all."

And it's true, I don't really know. This coming from a Type A personality who typically has a plan A-D. 

I know I want more out of life than sitting on the sidelines cheering someone else on as they pursue (and fulfil) their dreams. I deserve more too.  Don't I? Sure the first couple years of marriage seemed more about us and me.  But as soon as we moved closer to where he grew up, where his mom and siblings were that changed. And not subtly.  As soon as the mortgage paperwork was signed it seemed to be all about him/his family, all the time. All about what he wanted to do. All about what he liked. All about his mother's needs. Even on my birthday one year he had to take her and her dog to the vet for a ROUTINE visit.  It had to be done THAT day? I'm all about helping family but your spouse should NEVER be fourth place on your spouses list.

So here I sit five months post divorce wondering "What am I going to do?".  Sure life has been calmer (I no longer feel like a failure of a spouse) but I haven't outwardly done much.  I am happier; less stress will do that for you.  I'm slimmer/healthier; eating home cooked meals and exercise will do that for you.  But I've certainly made no concrete plans for my future like I did pre marriage (get married, buy a house, have children, live happily ever after).  

So what am I going to do now?  My happily ever after is now where it probably should have been all along; in my hands.  With so many opportunities available, even to a 45 year old, how do you chose what to do? I heard somewhere to seek out your passion, set goals, go forth and conquer.  But I don't know what my passion is and I've set goals before and failed miserably.  I've had plans a, b, c, d and they'll fallen thru.  The only thing I know for certain is that I want to be happy, healthy, confident.

So what am I going to do now?

No comments:

Post a Comment