Monday, June 8, 2015

Enjoying the process...even two and a half months later with a few "no go's"

Choosing happy is getting easier...sometimes a bit trying (like when my allergies are kickin my butt) but still easier.  

The "happy" feeling (which is hard to describe) fills me with hope, courage, and abundance.  I love catching myself smiling (and thinking "this feeling is great!"). On days that I find myself heading down the wrong path, I need only to look at my wrist and read my bracelets (one says "smile" and the other says "do one thing every day that makes YOU happy"). Each night I say my prayers and thank God for all the things I have, the choices I am able to make, and the people in my life. It really is "all about choices". I'm truly grateful.

I've had to step back from a few negative Nancy's; come to the conclusion that I have previously chosen to be a self sacrificer; and routinely remind myself that I do NOT have to control everything because it is impossible to control anything.  Learning to be a "go with the flow" person is hard but for me necessary.  I don't need to have five plans (a,b,c,d,e); a simple idea of what I want to accomplish is suitable.  The last two and half months I've accepted a lot about myself and I'm ok.  I've always known I am a Type A person. People have tried subconsciously to make me feel wrong for being Type A.  But I will no longer feel guilty for being "Totally Type A' (because seriously, without Type A people how would ANYTHING get done?).  I am learning to accept that not everyone is like me, thinks like me, sees the urgency in getting things done like me.  I have learned that I being a self sacrificer is thankless and disheartening. Two feelings I don't like feeling and refuse to feel anymore (I will no longer be a self sacrificer-any decisions I make are for me alone).  To be quite honest, other than the self sacrificing and always being emotionally charged bit of Type A, I love being a Type A. I love being/feeling organized. I love having lists/goals (I just have to cut myself slack if I don't obtain something on the list/goals). I love decisions/choices (I just don't love ALWAYS being the one to make the decisions and then having someone else say "It wasn't my decision-it was all you!").

Life is good. I have everything I need. I am happy with who I am and who I am becoming. 

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

If you're not learning, you're still not living!

LOL…I don’t know why I even bother creating elaborate lists of “things I’d like to accomplish” (like the 101 things to do in 1001 days).  Maybe I should just have a “generic” list and call it the “today this sounds like something I’d like to do but no pressure”. Or just have a “bucket list” with a disclaimer that “if you don’t achieve this it’s ok; just have fun with whatever you decide to do”. Oh well, whatever. I’m ok, it’s just a list. Life is full of endless possibilities for me.

I AM VERY grateful for the progress I am making with myself since the first of the year.  I decided this was the year to “happy healthy firm and confident”.  No, not firm as in “rock solid body” but firm as in “when I make a decision stand behind it; no apologies”.  I have a right to feel, I have a right to put me first, I have a right to be happy too!  I need to be confident in myself and firm in the decisions I make no matter what the projected outcome looks like. I know what’s best for me. 

Which brings me to the fact that I applied for a position in London UK. Secretly I’m ecstatic at the thought of working overseas for a few years. But I know that if I do get chosen for the position that a few hard decisions will need to be made that will affect more than just me. Whatever is meant to be will be; I have to keep FAITH that God hears my hearts’ desires just as he hears my fears.  He has always had my back…I’m very fortunate.

Ok back to the list….I will say that it has inspired me to be more active. I am a lil more flexible and I’m saying yes to things I wouldn’t normally do (the Sexy Back Chair dance class was SO MUCH FUN. I’m actually surprised at how much fun I had). But most of the “Profession Related” items are null and void.  I started taking a meditation class and the books I’ve been reading on “finding your passion” started sinking in and I finally admitted openly that I am not an “natural born sales person” and most importantly that I have no desire to learn how to be a sales person. I just want to be happy.  I want to be healthy. I want to enjoy life and pursue things that “feel natural”. Pimping products isn’t natural to me…artistic projects ARE natural to me.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Resisting the negative self talk...

is getting so much easier! I'll be honest with you...I had a 'hypnotherapy' session at the end of January. Per Wikipedia, Hypnotherapy is a form of psychotherapy used to create subconscious change in a patient in the form of new responses, thoughts, attitudes, behaviors or feelings. While many may (and will) poo-poo the process, I am ALWAYS open try different things. I don't like being stuck and SURELY there is something out there that will get me moving in the right direction. Sure it isn't "cheap" but neither is Weight Watchers, a monthly gym membership, or home work out equipment.  Of course, one useful hypnotherapy session is way cheaper than an unused membership.  Besides, if you plan it just right you will get a coupon like I did. Normally the cost is $99...


Hypnotherapy (like many other "wellness related options") is NOT a cure all and you will NOT wake up a "completely transformed" person. BUT I have noticed a HUGE, POSITIVE, difference. I left the session feeling peaceful, confident, like I COULD conquer my demons.  By the way, I didn't go to "lose weight" or "quit smoking". Like I told the guy-I know what I'm supposed to do to be successful at that. I know how to eat right; I know how to exercise; and I know how to not buy cigs. I just don't seem to have the umpfff; just can't seem to get my ass off the couch; can't seem to rid myself of doubt.  I said if I can "fix" that everything else will fall into place. 

It was money well spent. Negative Nancy seems to have left the building (I still have moments of disappointment but it isn't "internal disappointment" and I'm learning to not hold onto the "feelings" associated with the disappointment by using a positive self pep talk (ie "let it go; move on; not your monkey/not your circus") to lighten my mental state. I've noticed that I've been much more active (more yoga and walking) and less "oh I'll work out tomorrow".

As I sign off for the moment...I leave you with a lil "pug" mojo I'm learning to live by...

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Peace and tranquility....

I feel like I'm in a really really good place right now. A sense of peace, a quiet determination, and the knowledge that as long as I do my very best I can be (relatively) happy.  I'm learning to forgive (& accept) myself for my imperfections and to be more empathetic/compassionate/understanding of others and their imperfections.  NO ONE IS PERFECT.  I know now (and have accepted) that I can't "be anything I want to be". Why? Because if you've heard me sing you know that I am NOT the next Katy Perry, Gwen Stefani, Pink or even Madonna. But just because I can't be a singer (or an actress or an incredible athlete who gets paid boo-coo bucks) like I wanted to be when I was a kid doesn't mean I can't be "something" respectable, admired, or maybe even idolized (although I don't think being idolized would be that great-too much pressure!!)....

My "101 things list" is proving to be a great thing for me to be doing. While I'm not "attacking it with a vengeance" it is ALWAYS in the back of my mind with the things I want to commit time to doing. The very first item on my list (Do something you wouldn't normally do) is becoming a recurring theme for me.  It seems as if when something presents itself that I've never done before, prior to "poo-pooing" it I read the details and make an informed decision on whether or not I should "seriously consider participating" (ie Why not? Is it harmful? What are the benefits). For example I found on Groupon a coupon for what appeared to be a new exercise class establishment. They offer classes like Stretch, Strengthen, and Tone; Self-Defense; Muffin Top Removal; and Sexy Back Chair Dance and while the classes seem "intimidating" I figured what the hell. Now to the part "I wouldn't normally do".  They offer group classes and private parties. I've opted to "play host" and organize a ladies night out (something I've never done nor ever volunteered for) for the Sexy Back Chair Dancing. We will get two hours of choreographed instructions, cd music and how to sheets to take home. It's going to be a lot of long as we get enough people to attend (March 21st 6pm to 9pm, BYO drinks/snacks, on the IL side, $20, hint hint hint...).  I've also been saying yes to things I typically would do anything to get out of (zumba, phone conversations over email, talking (listening actually) to a Jehovah Witness at my front door) in an attempt to harness my anxiety (by using positive self talk).

Have a great week and do the very best as you can...

Thursday, January 15, 2015

And so it begins....

I'm working very hard (mentally) at remembering how LUCKY (Blessed) I am....There are so many others who have endured worse things than I have. I'm lucky enough to live in a country that allows me freedom to do most anything; as long as I put my mind to it. Which is why I've opted to follow/particpate/incorporate into my life the"101 things to do in 1001 days".  Sure the task IS intense. But for some odd, f'd up reason, for me it's a "manageable" intense.  It doesn't overwhelm me and gives me plenty of time to do the items WITHOUT having to set specific dates for each task.  I think that this list (or at least some of the list) might even be considered "goals".  I dunno...but it "spoke to me" and feels right. And that's what's important. 

I've "organized" the list better; putting health related under one header, professional under another, and so on.  Some "things" had to be re-written. One was dropped (it was too similar to another item). As I complete an item I'll edit the list to show details...and even though I'm doing this "on a whim, as I feel compelled"; a few items on the list are already scheduled to be started/completed:
  • tonight is Hot Yoga class (possibly an exercise class I normally wouldn't take but most definitely a means to an end with becoming flexible enough to touch my toes)
  • I learned a new task at work yesterday (how to search for financial totals so I don't have to bother the main office for the info); 
  • Success School scheduled for Aug 2015; 
  • Networking event Feb 3 (tupperware if anyone is interested in going); 
  • Sent emails out to hunt down the POC for Special Olympics Torch Run
  • downloaded a new book to read (The Courage to be Yourself: The Magic of Daring Greatly Enough to Become Who You Were Born)

Sunday, January 11, 2015

101 things to do in 1001 days

I found this on someone's blog...very inspiring and NOT overwhelming.  Kind of like a Bucket list but less scary and more realistic.

101 things to do in 1001 days
start date: Jan 12, 2015
end date:  Oct   9, 2017

  1. Run 5 miles without stopping
  2. run 1/2 marathon in 2 hrs and 15 mins or less
  3. exercise/keep active for 30 mins at a time 4 days a week
  4. lose 60 pounds
  5. maintain 155 lbs (plus minus 5 lbs)
  6. participate in a bike race (tour d' donut?)
  7. participate in an adventure race
  8. eat home cooked DINNER four times a week
  9. eat vegetarian once a week all meals
  10. learn to cook a healthy dessert
  11. participate in the local coop
  12. run 300 miles in a year
  13. take an alaskan trip w/sony camera
  14. enter a photo I have taken into a photo contest
  15. Post a new photo to social media once a week for two months
  16. journal one photo a month to blog
  17. catalog all current photos
  18. scan old photos and make disk for nieces
  19. create wall art from photos and sell at vendor opportunity 
  20. take train trip and photo the experience
  21. take weekend bike vacation and photo the experience (katy trail)
  22. visit old cemetery and photo the tombstones
  23. visit a "100 mile garage sale"
  24. travel to philadelphia, Boston, new York, Seattle, Hoover Dam, Las Vegas
  25. visit an art museum in a different city
  26. enroll in a painting class
  27. develop a business model for a business as if I had all the confidence in the world to implement
  28. write a short story to submit to Real Simple
  29. take a mosaic glass class
  30. Personally landscape and install back yard sitting area
  31. creat book to give nieces about our ancestors
  32. crocket 5 blankets for animal shelter
  33. donate blood
  34. volunteer at charity game night event
  35. send an anonymous gift to a friend
  36. send anonoymous gift to charity/someone I don't know personally
  37. make donation basket for new charity (charity I have never donated to)
  38. sell jewelry (heart ring, diamond earrings)
  39. go three days without internet use
  40. go one weekend without facebook
  41. one night a week, during the week, withstand from internet use while hubs is awake (use as bonding time)
  42. clear out and organize clothes closet every six months. Donate/toss whats cleared out
  43. once a month walk through house and purge. donate/toss whats purged
  44. sell freezer chest
  45. attend advocare success school
  46. twice a month discuss advocare with someone else-learning about products, ways of reaching/establishing customers
  47. once a quarter attend networking event
  48. journal/blog once a week
  49. learn italian
  50. find the spark for productivity at full time job
  51. learn a new task that is work related
  52. make a list at full time job of tasks that need to be done and tackle the ones I find annoying first
  53. less internet time during work hours (work first/play after)
  54. utilize day timer and calendars routinely
  55. volunteer at a soup kitchen
  56. see the play "Wicked" (chicago, stl or new york)
  57. visit rockefellar center
  58. attend a fondue night
  59. take a cooking class at dierbergers
  60. visit zoo in another city
  61. go to Lamberts in Sikeston or Cape Girardeau MO
  62. go to Bret Michaels Concert
  63. Go to one concert a year
  64. finish designing memorial tree tattoo
  65. get memorial tree tattoo
  66. visit a light house
  67. plan a girls trip out of state
  68. read the five books on my nook that I bought years ago but haven't read
  69. read four new books a year
  70. try ten new restaurants
  71. inspire someone else to do "101 things in 1001 days"
  72. go a month without buying anything that isn't a necessity
  73. go sky diving
  74. say yes to something i wouldn't normally do
  75. go on a road trip
  76. leave an inspirational note inside a book for someone to find
  77. make dinner and take it to someone in need
  78. write a will
  79. catch a snowflake on my tongue
  80. speak in front of a group of people
  81. write a letter to three people who have made a difference in my life
  82. buy a lottery ticket
  83. restore a piece of furniture
  84. host an advocare event
  85. attend a pro football game
  86. visit ellis island
  87. attend a scrapbook convention weekend
  88. attend a running retreat weekend
  89. write a prayer 10 x a year
  90. try a basic meditation technique
  91. try an exercise class I wouldn't normally take
  92. do a youtube video teaching how to do something
  93. finish making sunroom a cozy hangout 
  94. help with special Olympics torch run
  95. develop a 15 min work out routine that doesn't require equipment or a tv
  96. quit smoking
  97. become flexible enough to touch my toes
  98. complete, start to finish, a couch to 5k program
  99. ride the katy trail 
  100.  write another "101 in 1001 days" to do after I complete this list
  101.  attend writers weekend/blogger even

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Happy New Year

Well here we are, another year gone.  For some, only a few questions remain; for me at the top of the list is-where did the time go?  For many the end of the year encourages them to reflect on the past; Did I reach my goals? What are my regrets? Could I have done better? What do I plan for the next year? I'll be honest, I didn't have any personal goals for 2014 other than to survive.  End of 2013 and all 2014 was filled with family illness, death, sorrow, depression, and faith. Blind faith. Faith that God knows what he is doing and that things would turn out as he intended. And I imagine "things" have turned out as he intended.  While much of 2014 leaves a bad taste in mouth, I did survive.  And I am now ready to move forward with my chin up and should back.

I have no real regrets about how I handled last year. Could I have done things "better"? Sure, who couldn't have! But sometimes you just gotta suck it up and move on. Besides, I got to see my father face lite up seeing me his last Christmas Eve (2013) with us, I got to help celebrate his last birthday at his favorite stomping ground, and that is worth more than words could ever express.

While there are no promises of a grief free 2015 I can promise myself to continue to do the very best I can as a woman, wife, sister, friend, daughter, family member, citizen, co-worker; to be more patient, more focused on the now, more understanding of the differences and less type-A. For 2015, I can also make a promise to MYSELF that I am worth the positive effort to be healthier and happier.