Friday, November 25, 2011

roller coaster ride; no longer feeling "normal"

Please...tell me what the hell "normal" is so that I know if I'm feeling normal or not!!? GRRRR

Well..I stuck to my guns and went NO WHERE for Thanksgiving. I cooked a 13 lb bird for the hubs and I, along with mashed potatoes, dressing, green bean cass, gravy, rolls, and the most amazing eggnog pie. Totally delicious. ALL of IT! and so not WW "friendly". I was such a bad WW follower as I did not write anything down. I DID watch my portions but no writie writie. #badtori

Sticking to my guns comes with consequences and someone has to pay the piper. While I am sure my family is not happy with me for not driving 175 miles to attend their gathering, I don't have to listen to them gripe.  So I'm not really paying the piper.  But I'm afraid that my hubs paid a lil of the price with his mother. Long story short but she felt we should have dropped what I/we wanted and at the very least gone over to his sisters house (who was serving no meat for Thanksgiving anyhow) for at LEAST pumpkin pie. I won't air my dirty laundry here but hubs isn't excited about his sister and a lot of her life choices and was looking for an excuse out of going to his sisters house regardless of what I decided I was doing for Thanksgiving. BUT he would never say that to his mother (ok maybe he would) but regardless, I'm sure she blames me. I'd like to say that I don't really care but I do because NO ONE is taking into consideration my feelings about things, especially holiday gatherings.  BTW-did I mention that this Thanksgiving was one of my FAVORITE Thanksgivings? There was NO DRAMA this Thanksgiving. None... emotions are out of whack (that time of month again??). I'm always feeling frustrated and like "what about me me me?"and lonely...I can't even begin to describe my loneliness. I have such a good life that there is no reason for these feelings. I'm pretty smart too. and such a lucky person. I've overcome so much and can be so giving. But sometimes I feel like IT just isn't enough. What the hell is "IT"? OMG I swear I'm going nuts! grrr.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

finally feeling normal.

It's been a while since I've felt "normal". And I feel like I can actually stop and take a breathe! Since getting the pup end of July it's been go go go. sigh, inhale, out hale. Don't get me wrong, some "go go go" is good for the soul. But it can be overwhelming. New demands, changes in schedule, attempting to make sure EVERYONEs needs are seen to.

When given the chance I've been doing some thinking. About the future, about the present, about how I can make things better for us. Us as in Tim, the dogs and I. Us as in extended family. Us as in my work family. Us as in my community. I've always known "it" isn't all about me but many times "me" has gotten left behind. Learning better time management has allowed me to put "me" in the "us" and not feel guilty about it. I never liked the feeling of guilt but yet it had become a standard feeling in my life. Some folks were just NEVER happy with what I was doing or had to offer. I won't do it anymore. I never intentionally set out to hurt anyone and if I find that I have hurt someone I will simply apologize and move on. No more "stewing" on the guilt. If the other person wants to hold a grudge it's now on them-not me. I will live as guilt-free as possible these days. I know, a daunting task.

There are many tools available to us all that will help us grow, heal, move on. One of my favorite tools right now is my ipod because I can download pod casts that are upbeat and informative. There is a podcast for organizing and one for motivation that I've been listening to on the way to work. Oh and one on finances (thanks Sarah for introducing me to Dave Ramsey).  It's a nice way for me to sort out the "overwhelmingness" that is sure to be waiting for me at work (or even at home if I listen to it on the way home after work). It has also helped me determine what to keep, what to get rid of, what's useful and what is not.

During my journey the last few months I've slightly neglected my food tracking.  Man, once to stop doing something it's hard to get back. In the beginning of not tracking I didn't hold myself as accountable as I should have when I would eat. There were a few weeks that I ate a lot of fried foods and bread. Yikers. And yes, the scale noticed it. I'm very thankful that I came to my wits and realized "before it was too late". Granted I'm still not tracking my food on paper but I am being more aware of what I am putting in my mouth. I'm  back to making better choices (I've only had fries once this week!) and the scale is rewarding me for it. As life pertains to food and weight I want to make it as "natural" as possible. We ALL know that diets don't work and that life style changes do.  Making my life style as healthy and active as possible.

Ok...gotta run...the baby pug wants to eat all the dirt in the back yard and the other just wants to watch!! ugghhhhhh

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Change is in the air....

ah yes, change is in the air. Leaves are falling, as is the tempature (most days). The boys (Fredbird and Frankie) are close to being "the best of friends" and I am finally able to cook inside without raising the tempature to over 90 degrees. I'm even able to start training for my half marathon coming up in April. Life is good and I'm thankful for that.

I'm also thankful for:

  • a somewhat understanding husband. Even if he doesn't understand he's smart enough to keep his mouth shut.

  • a new weekend walking buddy who is interested in learning to jog. It seems to be more fun when there is someone walking the trenches with you!

  • the CPR cell phone repair place for attempting to fix one of my life lines. I'll know tomorrow whether or not they were able to get it working properly.

  • Hawthorne vet clinic for putting up with our many trips to their facility for Frankie's stiches. Some days I think the lil guy will be the death of me. Thankfully..he's alright and will be back to "normal routine" by Tuesday morning (although he's been trying to be back to normal since the day after his lil surgery).

  • only being half crazy....

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Thankful Thursday

Wow…been a lil while since I’ve blogged! While my time management skills were getting better, they’ve slipped a bit the last couple of weeks. Our team not only made it to the playoffs but they won the world series to boot! GO CARDINALS!! I happily blame them for my dalliance in blogging cuz when I wasn’t watching the game on tv I was volunteering AT the games for Cardinals Care. And for not being a “great” baseball fan (I’m married to a diehard Cardinal fan) I sure could feel the energy in the stadium each time they played as well as their compassion for their home town. When I say “their” I mean the occupants of St. Louis…the ones that live here, work here, who used to live here and only get to come back “now and then”, the ones who no matter how “bad it is” always seem to have a lil something left for someone else. Shoot I’m tearing up just thinking about it….very very amazing feeling and a very very amazing town.

And as funny as it is, me not being a “great baseball fan”, I feel completely lost now that baseball season is over for the year. For the last 9 months I’ve been living/breathing baseball…not just by attending games but by attending volunteer events associated with baseball. And there were A LOT of them. No, I’m not complaining; I’m just AMAZED at how busy I was. I miss that. Sigh. Oh well, it’ll give me time to finish reading some books, organizing my life, and start training for my April ½ marathon. And I need to get training…cuz while I’m still lucky enough to not have gained I’m stuck at 165. And the “roll” is feeling big!

Ok, so goals for November is/are:
  • Run/walk 50 miles (not to include potty walks-the dogs potty walk not mine). #gotmeaweekendwalker
  • De clutter (that’s what us wanna be organizers call it) the file cabinet. #shreditbabyshredit
  • Paint the bathroom #notwaitingforhimtodoit
  • Apply to CC of MO for online teaching position #whatamigettingmyselfinto

Not very many “goals” but this is all on top of “everyday” life “to do’s”. And I guess some are “to do’s” but….really…I don’t know I just work here!