tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51070016941140087112023-11-16T00:36:14.320-06:00What Else Is Possible? ANYTHING is possible!! My Journey To a Better Me...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.comBlogger299125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-74760051319795440642016-04-26T14:18:00.002-05:002016-04-26T14:20:26.308-05:00And now there is one...<br />
I was divorced on Sept 9, 2015 after 10 years 9 months of marriage.
The decision wasn't easy and "blind-sided" my spouse (who felt the
marriage was "just fine"/normal). Despite his lack of self
accountability; we are both to blame for the failed marriage.<br />
<br />
For
my part, I some how got to a place where I no longer felt safe
voicing my opinion. I lost my confidence, lost who I was and was
constantly second guessing everything about me (my knowledge, my
abilities, my loyalties, etc). But one day I woke up (around my 45th
birthday) and realized that I could not live the next 10 years like the
last 10 years. <br />
<br />
Post-split has been about healing, finding my
voice, understanding my part in the failed marriage (as well in failed
relationships), and educating myself (on anything and everything) that
will help me not repeat past mistakes if ever given the chance to "love"
someone else again. While it's only been five months, I feel different.
I feel better. I'm moving more and eating better (most of the time <img alt="Emoji" class="Emoji$1F609$AB8 RenderedEmoji" src="https://a.gfx.ms/Emoji_1F609.png" />).
I'm learning to cut myself some slack, replace negative words with
positive, and push myself outside of my comfort zone every now and
then. I finally (at 45) feel optimistic about my future and what I have
to offer.<br />
<br />
My post split journey HAS been challenging emotionally (a
different type of lonely) but I do realize that there is a whole new
world out there for me. I realize too that the possibilities seem to be
endless even for people over 45; all I have to do is roll with it. My
first "post marriage" trip is coming up March 13th to NYC and I'm so
excited I can barely contain myself!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-65873224015710689092016-04-26T14:16:00.003-05:002016-04-26T14:21:02.401-05:00What are you going to do?What are you going to do? He said it three times. What are you going
to do? Each time he asked he said it a lil more desperately. All I
could say is "I don't know fully but definetly pursue professional
advancement in my field; I do have a Master's Degree after all."<br />
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And it's true, I don't really know. This coming from a Type A personality who typically has a plan A-D. </div>
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I
know I want more out of life than sitting on the sidelines cheering
someone else on as they pursue (and fulfil) their dreams. I deserve more
too. Don't I? Sure the first couple years of marriage seemed more
about us and me. But as soon as we moved closer to where he grew up,
where his mom and siblings were that changed. And not subtly. As soon
as the mortgage paperwork was signed i<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">t
seemed to be all about him/his family, all the time. All about what he
wanted to do. All about what he liked. All about his mother's needs.
Even on my birthday one year he had to take her and her dog to the vet
for a ROUTINE visit. It had to be done THAT day? I'm all about helping
family but your spouse should NEVER be fourth place on your spouses
list.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">So
here I sit five months post divorce wondering "What am I going to do?".
Sure life has been calmer (I no longer feel like a failure of a
spouse) but I haven't outwardly done much. I am happier; less stress
will do that for you. I'm slimmer/healthier; eating home cooked meals
and exercise will do that for you. But I've certainly made no concrete
plans for my future like I did pre marriage (get married, buy a house,
have children, live happily ever after). </span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">So
what am I going to do now? My happily ever after is now where it
probably should have been all along; in my hands. With so many
opportunities available, even to a 45 year old, how do you chose what to
do? I heard somewhere to seek out your passion, set goals, go forth and
conquer. But I don't know what my passion is and I've set goals before
and failed miserably. I've had plans a, b, c, d and they'll fallen
thru. The only thing I know for certain is that I want to be happy,
healthy, confident.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">So what am I going to do now?</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-25006315279683091312016-02-17T20:57:00.000-06:002016-02-17T20:58:18.599-06:00Out with the Old, in with the NewA few changes happened during the last six months of 2015. After much thought, tears, prayer I decided to ask my husband for a divorce. We divorced in September, he moved out in September, and I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders in September. The decision was not made lightly and both hearts were broken. Hopefully over time both hearts will heal and both of us will live happily ever after; seperately.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
During the time since the divorce I have rediscovered my courage and voice, enjoyed my alone time (a time of reflection and meditation), and attempted to learn a new "normal". I've purged and repaired not just myself but my house. I don't know what the future holds but eventually it will involve selling the house and moving. Until that time I get to enjoy my handy work and "reap the rewards of my labor (by viewing updated, clutter/damage free home environment)". I've been trying not to spend too much time fretting on "what am I going to do?" And more time on how can I improve, what can I learn, how can I leave the world a better place. Happy, healthy, confident, active, and open to the endless possibilities of what life has to offer.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Truthfully very little has changed...main thing that has change is that I have sole responsibility for the pups. I can no longer leave for a long period of time without having to find a dog sitter. Thankfully my mom agreed to let me bring the pups with me when I visit her (and that is working out nicely) and I have found a "dog staycation" place for the very infrequent non family trips. Fingers crossed on that...soon it will be the first time that the pups have been left for more than over night with someone other than myself or my ex.</div>
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I don't know what the future holds but I know I'm going to be fine. I'm sure that there is an endless amount of possibilities of what I can do and accomplish. I can continue to grow mentally, emotionally and physically and embrace what life has to offer.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-47562208338126385852015-06-08T19:57:00.001-05:002015-06-08T20:30:43.889-05:00Enjoying the process...even two and a half months later with a few "no
go's"Choosing happy is getting easier...sometimes a bit trying (like when my allergies are kickin my butt) but still easier. <div><br></div><div>The "happy" feeling (which is hard to describe) fills me with hope, courage, and abundance. I love catching myself smiling (and thinking "this feeling is great!"). On days that I find myself heading down the wrong path, I need only to look at my wrist and read my bracelets (one says "smile" and the other says "do one thing every day that makes YOU happy"). Each night I say my prayers and thank God for all the things I have, the choices I am able to make, and the people in my life. It really is "all about choices". I'm truly grateful.</div><div><br></div><div>I've had to step back from a few negative Nancy's; come to the conclusion that I have previously chosen to be a self sacrificer; and routinely remind myself that I do NOT have to control everything because it is impossible to control anything. Learning to be a "go with the flow" person is hard but for me necessary. I don't need to have five plans (a,b,c,d,e); a simple idea of what I want to accomplish is suitable. The last two and half months I've accepted a lot about myself and I'm ok. I've always known I am a Type A person. People have tried subconsciously to make me feel wrong for being Type A. But I will no longer feel guilty for being "Totally Type A' (because seriously, without Type A people how would ANYTHING get done?). I am learning to accept that not everyone is like me, thinks like me, sees the urgency in getting things done like me. I have learned that I being a self sacrificer is thankless and disheartening. Two feelings I don't like feeling and refuse to feel anymore (I will no longer be a self sacrificer-any decisions I make are for me alone). To be quite honest, other than the self sacrificing and always being emotionally charged bit of Type A, I love being a Type A. I love being/feeling organized. I love having lists/goals (I just have to cut myself slack if I don't obtain something on the list/goals). I love decisions/choices (I just don't love ALWAYS being the one to make the decisions and then having someone else say "It wasn't my decision-it was all you!").</div><div><br></div><div>Life is good. I have everything I need. I am happy with who I am and who I am becoming. </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-63125829420651013672015-03-25T15:23:00.000-05:002015-03-25T15:23:12.791-05:00If you're not learning, you're still not living!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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LOL…I don’t know why I even bother creating elaborate lists
of “things I’d like to accomplish” (like the 101 things to do in 1001 days).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I should just have a “generic” list and
call it the “today this sounds like something I’d like to do but no pressure”. Or
just have a “bucket list” with a disclaimer that “if you don’t achieve this it’s
ok; just have fun with whatever you decide to do”. Oh well, whatever. I’m ok,
it’s just a list. Life is full of endless possibilities for me.</div>
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I AM VERY grateful for the progress I am making with myself since
the first of the year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I decided this
was the year to “happy healthy firm and confident”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, not firm as in “rock solid body” but firm
as in “when I make a decision stand behind it; no apologies”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a right to feel, I have a right to put
me first, I have a right to be happy too!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I need to be confident in myself and firm in the decisions I make no
matter what the projected outcome looks like. I know what’s best for me. </div>
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Which brings me to the fact that I applied for a position in
London UK. Secretly I’m ecstatic at the thought of working overseas for a few
years. But I know that if I do get chosen for the position that a few hard
decisions will need to be made that will affect more than just me. Whatever is
meant to be will be; I have to keep FAITH that God hears my hearts’ desires
just as he hears my fears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has always
had my back…I’m very fortunate.</div>
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Ok back to the list….I will say that it has inspired me to
be more active. I am a lil more flexible and I’m saying yes to things I wouldn’t
normally do (the Sexy Back Chair dance class was SO MUCH FUN. I’m actually
surprised at how much fun I had). But most of the “Profession Related” items
are null and void.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started taking a
meditation class and the books I’ve been reading on “finding your passion” started
sinking in and I finally admitted openly that I am not an “natural born sales
person” and most importantly that I have no desire to learn how to be a sales
person. I just want to be happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want
to be healthy. I want to enjoy life and pursue things that “feel natural”.
Pimping products isn’t natural to me…artistic projects ARE natural to me.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-46426560542527817772015-02-10T16:55:00.001-06:002015-02-10T16:55:28.375-06:00Resisting the negative self talk...is getting so much easier! I'll be honest with you...I had a 'hypnotherapy' session at the end of January.<b> </b>Per Wikipedia, Hypnotherapy is a form of psychotherapy used to create
subconscious change in a patient in the form of new responses, thoughts,
attitudes, behaviors or feelings. While many may (and will) poo-poo the process, I am ALWAYS open try different things. I don't like being stuck and SURELY there is something out there that will get me moving in the right direction. Sure it isn't "cheap" but neither is Weight Watchers, a monthly gym membership, or home work out equipment. Of course, one useful hypnotherapy session is way cheaper than an unused membership. Besides, if you plan it just right you will get a coupon like I did. Normally the cost is $99...<br />
<br />
ANYHOW...<br />
<br />
Hypnotherapy (like many other "wellness related options") is NOT a cure all and you will NOT wake up a "completely transformed" person. BUT I have noticed a HUGE, POSITIVE, difference. I left the session feeling peaceful, confident, like I COULD conquer my demons. By the way, I didn't go to "lose weight" or "quit smoking". Like I told the guy-I know what I'm supposed to do to be successful at that. I know how to eat right; I know how to exercise; and I know how to not buy cigs. I just don't seem to have the umpfff; just can't seem to get my ass off the couch; can't seem to rid myself of doubt. I said if I can "fix" that everything else will fall into place. <br />
<br />
It was money well spent. Negative Nancy seems to have left the building (I still have moments of disappointment but it isn't "internal disappointment" and I'm learning to not hold onto the "feelings" associated with the disappointment by using a positive self pep talk (ie "let it go; move on; not your monkey/not your circus") to lighten my mental state. I've noticed that I've been much more active (more yoga and walking) and less "oh I'll work out tomorrow".<br />
<br />
As I sign off for the moment...I leave you with a lil "pug" mojo I'm learning to live by...<br />
<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-32523504781977275642015-02-01T20:22:00.001-06:002015-02-01T20:22:13.149-06:00Peace and tranquility....<div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I feel like I'm in a really really good place right now. A sense of peace, a quiet determination, and the knowledge that as long as I do my very best I can be (relatively) happy. I'm learning to forgive (& accept) myself for my imperfections and to be more empathetic/compassionate/understanding of others and their imperfections. NO ONE IS PERFECT. I know now (and have accepted) that I can't "be anything I want to be". Why? Because if you've heard me sing you know that I am NOT the next Katy Perry, Gwen Stefani, Pink or even Madonna. But just because I can't be a singer (or an actress or an incredible athlete who gets paid boo-coo bucks) like I wanted to be when I was a kid doesn't mean I can't be "something" respectable, admired, or maybe even idolized (although I don't think being idolized would be that great-too much pressure!!)....</span></div><div><br></div><div>My "101 things list" is proving to be a great thing for me to be doing. While I'm not "attacking it with a vengeance" it is ALWAYS in the back of my mind with the things I want to commit time to doing. The very first item on my list (Do something you wouldn't normally do) is becoming a recurring theme for me. It seems as if when something presents itself that I've never done before, prior to "poo-pooing" it I read the details and make an informed decision on whether or not I should "seriously consider participating" (ie Why not? Is it harmful? What are the benefits). For example I found on Groupon a coupon for what appeared to be a new exercise class establishment. They offer classes like Stretch, Strengthen, and Tone; Self-Defense; Muffin Top Removal; and Sexy Back Chair Dance and while the classes seem "intimidating" I figured what the hell. Now to the part "I wouldn't normally do". They offer group classes and private parties. I've opted to "play host" and organize a ladies night out (something I've never done nor ever volunteered for) for the Sexy Back Chair Dancing. We will get two hours of choreographed instructions, cd music and how to sheets to take home. It's going to be a lot of fun....as long as we get enough people to attend (March 21st 6pm to 9pm, BYO drinks/snacks, on the IL side, $20, hint hint hint...). I've also been saying yes to things I typically would do anything to get out of (zumba, phone conversations over email, talking (listening actually) to a Jehovah Witness at my front door) in an attempt to harness my anxiety (by using positive self talk).</div><div><br></div><div>Have a great week and do the very best as you can...</div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipwRZtgxxyVE4K_X3Mh-ZHH0G7qzB6KvgHZi0W6j3ZFJsldqm5XRKbRNce7wuG8A0nQhFrfW3tSZ27ILdDx7soMTW0i5br0aQ-9YZ6sxNTgbpICZWP_do8RNEwJ6bFz5SSrDmiHbmLI2qD/s640/blogger-image--1738276332.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipwRZtgxxyVE4K_X3Mh-ZHH0G7qzB6KvgHZi0W6j3ZFJsldqm5XRKbRNce7wuG8A0nQhFrfW3tSZ27ILdDx7soMTW0i5br0aQ-9YZ6sxNTgbpICZWP_do8RNEwJ6bFz5SSrDmiHbmLI2qD/s640/blogger-image--1738276332.jpg"></a></div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-56420963921953362882015-01-15T13:33:00.001-06:002015-01-15T13:33:14.019-06:00And so it begins....I'm working very hard (mentally) at remembering how LUCKY (Blessed) I am....There are so many others who have endured worse things than I have. I'm lucky enough to live in a country that allows me freedom to do most anything; as long as I put my mind to it. Which is why I've opted to follow/particpate/incorporate into my life the"101 things to do in 1001 days". Sure the task IS intense. But for some odd, f'd up reason, for me it's a "manageable" intense. It doesn't overwhelm me and gives me plenty of time to do the items WITHOUT having to set specific dates for each task. I think that this list (or at least some of the list) might even be considered "goals". I dunno...but it "spoke to me" and feels right. And that's what's important. <br />
<br />
I've "organized" the list better; putting health related under one header, professional under another, and so on. Some "things" had to be re-written. One was dropped (it was too similar to another item). As I complete an item I'll edit the list to show details...and even though I'm doing this "on a whim, as I feel compelled"; a few items on the list are already scheduled to be started/completed: <br />
<ul>
<li>tonight is Hot Yoga class (possibly an exercise class I normally wouldn't take but most definitely a means to an end with becoming flexible enough to touch my toes)</li>
<li>I learned a new task at work yesterday (how to search for financial totals so I don't have to bother the main office for the info); </li>
<li>Success School scheduled for Aug 2015; </li>
<li>Networking event Feb 3 (tupperware if anyone is interested in going); </li>
<li>Sent emails out to hunt down the POC for Special Olympics Torch Run </li>
<li>downloaded a new book to read <span style="font-size: x-small;">(<span style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial;">The Courage to be Yourself: The Magic of Daring Greatly Enough to Become Who You Were Born)</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial;"></span></span></span></li>
</ul>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-79545392793979978842015-01-11T23:14:00.001-06:002015-01-11T23:14:36.717-06:00101 things to do in 1001 days<div style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">
I found this on someone's blog...very inspiring and NOT overwhelming. Kind of like a Bucket list but less scary and more realistic.</div>
<div style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">
101 things to do in 1001 days</div>
<div style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">
start date: Jan 12, 2015</div>
<div style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">
end date: Oct 9, 2017</div>
<div style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">
<ol>
<li>Run 5 miles without stopping</li>
<li>run 1/2 marathon in 2 hrs and 15 mins or less</li>
<li>exercise/keep active for 30 mins at a time 4 days a week</li>
<li>lose 60 pounds</li>
<li>maintain 155 lbs (plus minus 5 lbs)</li>
<li>participate in a bike race (tour d' donut?)</li>
<li>participate in an adventure race</li>
<li>eat home cooked DINNER four times a week</li>
<li>eat vegetarian once a week all meals</li>
<li>learn to cook a healthy dessert</li>
<li>participate in the local coop</li>
<li>run 300 miles in a year</li>
<li>take an alaskan trip w/sony camera</li>
<li>enter a photo I have taken into a photo contest</li>
<li>Post a new photo to social media once a week for two months</li>
<li>journal one photo a month to blog</li>
<li>catalog all current photos</li>
<li>scan old photos and make disk for nieces</li>
<li>create wall art from photos and sell at vendor opportunity </li>
<li>take train trip and photo the experience</li>
<li>take weekend bike vacation and photo the experience (katy trail)</li>
<li>visit old cemetery and photo the tombstones</li>
<li>visit a "100 mile garage sale"</li>
<li>travel to philadelphia, Boston, new York, Seattle, Hoover Dam, Las Vegas</li>
<li>visit an art museum in a different city</li>
<li>enroll in a painting class</li>
<li>develop a business model for a business as if I had all the confidence in the world to implement</li>
<li>write a short story to submit to Real Simple</li>
<li>take a mosaic glass class</li>
<li>Personally landscape and install back yard sitting area</li>
<li>creat book to give nieces about our ancestors</li>
<li>crocket 5 blankets for animal shelter</li>
<li>donate blood</li>
<li>volunteer at charity game night event</li>
<li>send an anonymous gift to a friend</li>
<li>send anonoymous gift to charity/someone I don't know personally</li>
<li>make donation basket for new charity (charity I have never donated to)</li>
<li>sell jewelry (heart ring, diamond earrings)</li>
<li>go three days without internet use</li>
<li>go one weekend without facebook</li>
<li>one night a week, during the week, withstand from internet use while hubs is awake (use as bonding time)</li>
<li>clear out and organize clothes closet every six months. Donate/toss whats cleared out</li>
<li>once a month walk through house and purge. donate/toss whats purged</li>
<li>sell freezer chest</li>
<li>attend advocare success school</li>
<li>twice a month discuss advocare with someone else-learning about products, ways of reaching/establishing customers</li>
<li>once a quarter attend networking event</li>
<li>journal/blog once a week</li>
<li>learn italian</li>
<li>find the spark for productivity at full time job</li>
<li>learn a new task that is work related</li>
<li>make a list at full time job of tasks that need to be done and tackle the ones I find annoying first</li>
<li>less internet time during work hours (work first/play after)</li>
<li>utilize day timer and calendars routinely</li>
<li>volunteer at a soup kitchen</li>
<li>see the play "Wicked" (chicago, stl or new york)</li>
<li>visit rockefellar center</li>
<li>attend a fondue night</li>
<li>take a cooking class at dierbergers</li>
<li>visit zoo in another city</li>
<li>go to Lamberts in Sikeston or Cape Girardeau MO</li>
<li>go to Bret Michaels Concert</li>
<li>Go to one concert a year</li>
<li>finish designing memorial tree tattoo</li>
<li>get memorial tree tattoo</li>
<li>visit a light house</li>
<li>plan a girls trip out of state</li>
<li>read the five books on my nook that I bought years ago but haven't read</li>
<li>read four new books a year</li>
<li>try ten new restaurants</li>
<li>inspire someone else to do "101 things in 1001 days"</li>
<li>go a month without buying anything that isn't a necessity</li>
<li>go sky diving</li>
<li>say yes to something i wouldn't normally do</li>
<li>go on a road trip</li>
<li>leave an inspirational note inside a book for someone to find</li>
<li>make dinner and take it to someone in need</li>
<li>write a will</li>
<li>catch a snowflake on my tongue</li>
<li>speak in front of a group of people</li>
<li>write a letter to three people who have made a difference in my life</li>
<li>buy a lottery ticket</li>
<li>restore a piece of furniture</li>
<li>host an advocare event</li>
<li>attend a pro football game</li>
<li>visit ellis island</li>
<li>attend a scrapbook convention weekend</li>
<li>attend a running retreat weekend</li>
<li>write a prayer 10 x a year</li>
<li>try a basic meditation technique</li>
<li>try an exercise class I wouldn't normally take</li>
<li>do a youtube video teaching how to do something</li>
<li>finish making sunroom a cozy hangout </li>
<li>help with special Olympics torch run</li>
<li>develop a 15 min work out routine that doesn't require equipment or a tv</li>
<li>quit smoking</li>
<li>become flexible enough to touch my toes</li>
<li>complete, start to finish, a couch to 5k program</li>
<li>ride the katy trail </li>
<li> write another "101 in 1001 days" to do after I complete this list</li>
<li> attend writers weekend/blogger even</li>
</ol>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-62809301782580219382015-01-01T01:50:00.001-06:002015-01-01T01:50:08.173-06:00Happy New Year<div>Well here we are, another year gone. For some, only a few questions remain; for me at the top of the list is-where did the time go? For many the end of the year encourages them to reflect on the past; Did I reach my goals? What are my regrets? Could I have done better? What do I plan for the next year? I'll be honest, I didn't have any personal goals for 2014 other than to survive. End of 2013 and all 2014 was filled with family illness, death, sorrow, depression, and faith. Blind faith. Faith that God knows what he is doing and that things would turn out as he intended. And I imagine "things" have turned out as he intended. While much of 2014 leaves a bad taste in mouth, I did survive. And I am now ready to move forward with my chin up and should back.</div><div><br></div><div>I have no real regrets about how I handled last year. Could I have done things "better"? Sure, who couldn't have! But sometimes you just gotta suck it up and move on. Besides, I got to see my father face lite up seeing me his last Christmas Eve (2013) with us, I got to help celebrate his last birthday at his favorite stomping ground, and that is worth more than words could ever express.</div><div><br></div><div>While there are no promises of a grief free 2015 I can promise myself to continue to do the very best I can as a woman, wife, sister, friend, daughter, family member, citizen, co-worker; to be more patient, more focused on the now, more understanding of the differences and less type-A. For 2015, I can also make a promise to MYSELF that I am worth the positive effort to be healthier and happier. </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-452413779900322652014-11-22T00:09:00.001-06:002014-11-22T00:09:25.717-06:00still alive and kickingIt's been a long time since I've felt like writing down my thoughts. Of course truth be told the only reason I am writing now is because I'm bored, watching a hallmark movie, no one is up on facebook to talk to, and I'm acting like a teenager not wanting to go to bed like a normal human being. Yes, in that order.<br />
<br />
The past few months have been filled with weekend trips up to my (step) mom's house, making new friends, going to concerts, reconnecting with not only with old friends but with myself, and attempting to get better familiar with AdvoCare so that I can build my nest egg (LOL after I pay off my credit card bills, help put new siding on the house, and buy a new car). And I have dabbled with getting my feet back on the ground running. But that isn't really working out. I just can't seem to get un lazy.<br />
<br />
I did manage to talk my crazy new pal into adventure racing. She is a total hoot to hang with-almost like we've been friends forever. I've known of her for a few years (she grooms my pups) but shortly after pops passed she invited me to go to a Bret Michaels concert with her and her friend Aimee. I know right!? Bret Michaels. I almost passed (like I typically do-making friends is hard; I can be so insecure and letting new people in only to be let down totally sucks even at 44) on the concert but then something clicked and I went. AWESOME time. Who knew that Bret still puts on killer concerts. Anyhow, then we went to Alice Cooper/Motley Crue, then to Def Lepard/Kiss. Pretty good summer..."Sisterhood of the traveling Groupies" as Aimee dubbed us. ANYHOW-it's nice to hang with folks my age, that get me and share similar interests. She took up biking this year and I even went on a few rides with her. And since she's crazy like me I knew she would be game for something new and adventurous. If nothing else the Adventure Race is sure to provide us with years of laughter!!<br />
<br />
Through out all of this the Hubs has been pretty wonderful. And he has decided to quit work and go back to school full time. I'm pretty excited, mainly for purely selfish reasons. Sure I"m astatic that he is FINALLY going back to finish what he was so close to achieving so that he can "get that job he really wants but can't get because he doesn't have a degree". I want him to be happy and if getting this degree will open a door to job that he really wants and would be great at I'm all for it. He's incredibly smart, dedicated, hard working that he deserves to be happy. But I'm also hoping that this means I'll get some more home cooked meals. I got so spoiled the few months he was first retired from the Navy. I'd get home from work and he would have dinner almost ready to serve, house was cleaned, laundry done, etc etc.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-86881276886016240122014-08-06T00:28:00.001-05:002014-08-06T00:28:16.935-05:00Still no unicorns or rainbows...<div>I am often consumed with "what if"; "I'm not doing enough"; "I must pray harder/better/more consistently". It's pretty exhausting. I can't change the past; only work towards a happier future. But even that is daunting. We don't really have any control over things, we can only do the best that we can. But how do we know we are doing the best that we can? Who tells us? Does it really matter (I mean seriously, if we have no control over outcomes) if we are doing our best. </div><div><br></div><div>There is a saying going around that "we can only do what we can do". Sometimes this feels like being a sell out; sometimes it's a means to survival. A lot of times at work I'm in survival mode. I work for the government and we ALL know how the government works: slow and not always making sense. You do what your told and the rules/guidelines change just as soon as you've drilled the "old" change into your head. </div><div><br></div><div>Maybe life is about survival and doing what you can, when you can. I do understand that in order to succeed you must learn from your mistakes and let go of the past. I'm pretty good at learning from my mistakes (except when it comes to bad eating habits) but the letting go of the past is a double edge sword. There are some things in the past that are hard to let go (negative feedback from those of who are tasked with teaching/molding your lil ole brain); some things slip away so easily (my mothers laugh/talk). I didn't want to forget my moms voice but I am grateful that I can still see her smile in my mind. I wish I could talk to her, ask her silly lil questions like "was marriage all you had hoped?" "Would you have changed anything?" "How am I doing? Did I turn out like you had hoped?" Mom didn't get to see me marry; she didn't get to see her son marry; she didn't get to see (or hold) her grandbabies. Folks (sometimes even me) like to say that our loved ones in heaven are always keeping an eye on us. But what if she's busy? We really have NO idea what heaven is like and what they do there. Or do we? Did I miss the memo? Did I fall asleep during that sermon?</div><div><br></div><div>I had a dream the other week that I was in a dark, empty house. I was talking to someone and remember hearing "your dad went to live with your mom." I took that to mean that dad is ok and has met up with mom in heaven....sure did take him long enough!! :O) Almost 4 months after he passed and I have the dream that he's there. I wonder if he was in a holding area answering questions? Like an intake interview...</div><div><br></div><div>I think of my dad often. Many times I'll hear a song and say "hey dad, how are you?"...there's no sadness really when I think or talk to dad. Before he passed we were able to mend our fences and enjoy our time together. LOL many times he'd laugh and say "the apple sure doesn't fall far from the tree" after I'd respond to something or I'd do something that is "so him". We are very much a like and I wouldn't change it. But mom's departure, I wasn't so lucky. So many things left unsaid, so many things not yet learned. A promise I was unable to keep for her. A promise I didn't know how to fulfill for her.</div><div><br></div><div>Still no unicorns and rainbows...</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-32880355692436318542014-08-04T15:39:00.001-05:002014-08-04T15:39:22.282-05:00Not all Unicorns and Rainbows<div>Some days are just easier than others. I kind of hate that expression though...why can't they all be a lil easier!? Why does "everything" have to be such a challenge? I know no one said it would be easy but I don't recall anyone EVER saying it would be so challenging. </div><div><br></div><div>I've REALLY been struggling with my mood lately. Well, If I want to be truthful, I've always struggled with my moods; it's only been lately that I've been making a conscious effort to curb any moody outbursts (ie spewing profanity because "things" aren't going how "I" think they should). Some of curbing it (moodiness) IS mind over matter but I'm noticing that some of the moodiness is an undefinable sadness. Life happens. We all experience "sad" (sometimes down right gut wrenching) events. But how we each bounce back, or in what amount of time, is sometimes different. And that kind of frustrates me. Right now I have a few folks close to me going through the "grieving" process. Rightfully so of course; losing a spouse is life changing. So is losing a father and someone who was like a brother to you. But I have to remember "this" (grieving?) isn't a tit for tat. I also have to remember that they need to grieve and on their terms. But some of the things being done during their grieving process is hurting my heart. And I struggle cuz I don't know what God wants me to learn from this. Surely they realize that I'm grieving too. Surely they too understand that I've lost two loved ones in less than 6 months. But again; we all grieve differently.</div><div><br></div><div>I know when my mom died it took a LONG time for me to get my head out of my ass and focus on "Life". I'm not even sure when I started removing my head from my ass but I do remember the 1st two years were the pure hell. When Scott died in November I was angry. Scott was like a brother to me; even helped teach me how to drive. He was a family friend and was one of the first to extend his support when we found out dad was sick. But he himself was struggling with issues, didn't heed my warnings, and ultimately has put his wife under unjustified stress/pain. I LOVE his wife and have tried to support her best I can. I try and cut her some slack because of how I was after my mom died but I'm struggling because she just doesn't get it that his death was NOT her fault. </div><div><br></div><div>It's so sad when we take it upon ourselves to hold ourselves accountable for someone else's actions. If I've learned nothing else in the last year I have learned that life is short. Forgive yourself of YOUR errors; apologize to others if necessary; move on. I can NOT afford to hold myself accountable for someone else's actions. I make enough of my own mistakes I don't need to harbor someone else's mistakes too! And no matter how challenging life can be, I want to LIVE. I want to experience happy events. I want to dream and expand my horizons. I know that what lies ahead isn't all "unicorns and rainbows" but neither was the past and I survived just fine!</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-42033344042545746992014-07-14T17:37:00.000-05:002014-07-16T11:29:37.043-05:00Go forth and be B.R.A.Z.E.N<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Changes
are continuously in the air. It’s inevitable (like death and taxes). I
had my share of "inevitable" last year and I’m ready to "get ta steppin".
Thankfully
from those inevitable and incredibly painful changes I have gained
confidence, felt peace, and found a renewed spirit for living brazenly.
I’m inspired to dream again and set goals towards my desires. I’m also feeling incredibly
grateful. Isn’t it funny that when you are
ready embrace the future, ready to take charge, that “things” start making sense and life finally "happens". Funny and refreshing!</span></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxMsoPlainText">
<span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">A current blog I read is
<i>Carla Birnberg-Unapologetically</i> <i>me</i> has routinely written about changes and taking charge and living brazenly. In her most <a href="http://carlabirnberg.com/2014/07/14/b-r-a-z-e-n-goal-setting-s-m-a-r-t-goal-update/" target="_blank">recent post</a> she</span><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">
talks about the definition of B.R.A.Z.E.N. (her new acronym). If you go <a href="http://carlabirnberg.com/2014/02/10/what-does-brazen-mean/" target="_blank">here</a> </span><i><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">
</span></i><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">you can see what BEING Brazen means to Carla (& draw your own conclusion as to what your “living BRAZENly” is).
</span><i><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Her definition is incredible actually. A</span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; font-style: normal;">nd
since it embodies much of my “life mission”
I’m just going to run with it (although I will admit that “flying my
freak flag” scares the shit out of me) and use it as my </span></i><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; font-style: normal;">daily reminder</span><i><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; font-style: normal;">. IMO, Why
reinvent the wheel if someone else’s wheel fits (and they don’t mind you
borrowing their wheel)?
</span></i></div>
<div class="ecxMsoPlainText">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; font-style: normal;">If
I’ve learned NOTHING else from this last year I did learn that I HAVE
to put myself first (no one else will) and that I’m not being selfish for doing so. I have needs/desires/dreams too. Putting myself first doesn't mean that I'm not "going to be there" for my friends/loved ones/community; just means that I will sometimes have to say "no, not this time".</span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "Tahoma","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; font-style: normal;">So here is to <i>living life brazenly...</i> </span></i></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-14551715797737931322014-07-08T15:10:00.000-05:002014-07-08T15:13:04.062-05:00Top 20 things I’ve learned (or that has sunk in) since my last birthday<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">1)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>Life is short AND precious. Make each moment count</span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">2)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>You REALLY are the company you keep (thanks dad)</span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">3)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>I’m ok not being perfect </span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">4)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>I can only do what I can do (not what someone else can do or has done or wants me to do)</span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">5)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>This life really isn’t about me (it’s about what I can do for others to make OUR existance a lil less painful)</span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">6)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>I have choices regardless of how much I like or dislike those choices </span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">7)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>That I don’t have to answer a text/email/phone call RIGHT THIS MINUTE</span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">8)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>That sometimes “it” just doesn’t matter</span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">9)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>That I don’t care that it’s “not your monkey, not your circus” </span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">10)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>That the heart still hurts when someone dies no matter how many loved ones have passed previously or that death is inevitable </span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">11)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>That while I LOVE to make lists, I don’t always like to check things off those lists</span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">12)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>That the “apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” (and it ain’t all bad!)</span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">13)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>That sometimes all I got is FAITH and that sometimes I need to have faith for others as well</span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">14)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>That prayer really does work (so be careful what you pray for!)</span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">15)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>That I’ve forgotten how to dream </span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">16)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>That tomorrow doesn’t have to be scary</span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">17)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>That forgiving isn’t always easy but it is necessary (more for you the forgiver than the one you are to forgive)</span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">18)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>Just because I’ve “screwed up” previously doesn’t make me a bad or stupid person. Just means I’m human</span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">19)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>That when I’m “feeling crazy”…it might NOT be me! Might actually be someone else that’s crazy trying to make me feel crazy</span><br />
</div>
<div class="ecxMsoListParagraph" style="text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: large;">20)<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span>That I’m allowed to have the feelings I have about things
(I think it’s called “being an individual”) and I don’t owe anyone an
apology because of it</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-7739945133910164632014-04-11T23:35:00.000-05:002014-04-11T23:35:10.450-05:00Thankful for the time....It's been a challenging year to say the least. I'm not really complaining-I'm thankful for the time given; but there's an emptiness that's not likely to fill anytime soon. I've grown tremendously as a person but I almost feel like the cost of learning those invaluable lessons was a bit too much. But then again, ultimately God (Jesus) is the one who paid the biggest (?) price for lessons to be learned. BTW, Please excuse grammatical errors, one part of my brain is trying to get my thoughts out onto the screen while the other is saying "ummm is that the right punctuation? (thank heavens for spell check though!!)"<br />
<br />
Anyhow...this round of learning/growing started last May when pops was diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer. Even without "cancer" we all know our time will come when we leave this earth but add "cancer" to the equation and IMO, time is limited; very limited. This is not my first rodeo going down the cancer road (mom passed in 1995 after a SHORT bought with <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Uterine Cancer) b</span></span>ut dad was optimistic that he had "time" to do a few things that still needed being done. Only he knows if he got everything done he wanted to get done. I suspect that there is one thing he didn't get done.<br />
<br />
I'm confident that I did everything that I could to make this last year the best I could for him. In the beginning I drove up to see him every other weekend. I was mindful of my limitations (taking a short "break" from driving at the beginning of the year to recharge my batteries) but during that time I called him and emailed when he was able to get to the computer. If he wanted Tasty Kakes; he got Tasty Kakes. He wanted Lego's for Christmas; he got Lego's for Christmas. He wanted to see his son in law (who due to illness cannot travel well); he saw his son in law for Thanksgiving. Every three day weekend I had off from work (except for MLK) we went to the casino because that made him happy (took his mind off the cancer). I honestly haven't done this much driving since I was a young adult....well worth it though.<br />
<br />
March 14th was his 69th birthday. The weeks before had been rough on him. His chemo treatment had been changed sometime in Jan (because his cancer had responded nicely to the previous and he was on "maintenance" chemo). He was starting to sleep a lot and just NOT feeling "it". On a Monday of our three day weekend together I got to visit the doctor with them and we found out his BP was REALLY low and he was dehydrated. Mom (step but I call her mom) and I suspected he was dehydrated but had no clue about the BP. The DR told him to stop taking his BP meds. I remember that Monday well, there was a snow storm brewing. The three weeks that followed that visit seemed to be a bit better and so for his birthday we went to the casino. Despite having to use a wheel chair he seemed to have had a good time....<br />
<br />
anyhow (again)...pops passed away April 2nd. I was able to stay with him the night of the 1st, all day the 2nd, and tell him how much I loved and respected him as he took his final breathe that night. I will never regret being in the room as he left the physical world. Whether or not it makes a difference to a persons soul as they leave for a better place, it makes a difference to me and I could NOT let him go without someone he loved from the physical world being there. Mom hated that she couldn't be there but she just couldn't let him go....her soulmate; her "everything". That is probably the hardest part of all this for me. Not once, but twice, in the last year two people I love lost their soulmate; their "everything". I can't even imagine. I don't even want to imagine even though I know a time will come when I could be in their shoes. Breaks my heart; leaves a hole that may not ever fill. Please don't misunderstand-I LOVE my father (the apple didn't fall from the tree). We are so alike in so many ways (and not all bad ha ha ha) but my love is much different than the spousal love. Besides--I had him for 43 years where as my mom only had him for 18 ish.<br />
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I'm thankful for the time I had....and I'm thankful for the memories and lessons learn.<br />
<br />
<img src="webkit-fake-url://3680144B-B547-4936-BBC9-22A210FBC41B/imagejpeg" />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-46760103696092567362014-03-06T21:11:00.001-06:002014-03-06T21:11:19.985-06:00The real reason I like to work out and day 3 of 30 days 30 mins 3 goalsOk...time for me to come clean. The real reason I like to work out, I mean getting healthier and feeling better physically is a GREAT perk, but the real reason I like to work out is....I get to listen to my music and day dream about making it on the Voice. I KNOW how silly that is BUT working out is really the ONLY time I get for ME. I can't talk to anyone on the phone (because it's in my purse), I can't walk the dogs (cuz they're at home) and I've come to realize/accept that hubs will be perfectly fine two nights a week with me bringing dinner home at 645. It's kind of funny...but for right now I don't even CARE that I'm not being overly ambitious (ie pushing myself harder to go further and faster) because I'm totally diggin the toons. and TODAY, today I branched out to not only listening to my toons but READING while listening and walking. I'm so friggin AMAZING! :O)<br />
<br />
30 mins moderate physical activing-check. 31 mins on the treadmill; 3.2 mph; 2% incline<br />
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30 mins reading-check. 31 mins reading <i>There's More to Life Than This</i> (Theresa Caputo book) while on the treadmill. <br />
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30 mins meaningful writing/prayer/meditation-uncheck. I've only gotten 5mins in....still time before bed though....and I got to look up a scripture I saw earlier on <a href="http://www.300poundsdown.com/" target="_blank">300poundsdown</a><br />
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TGIF folks TGIFAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-31511830530618829802014-03-05T21:17:00.000-06:002014-03-05T21:17:29.094-06:0030 days, 30 mins, 3 goals-day 2Ok...so...DAy 2 not so spectacular for achieving 30 mins at each goal. But it's totally fine with me because I'm happy that I did a lil of each.<div>
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1) 30 mins moderate physical activity. I managed to due 10 minutes. I would LOVE to count dog walking (which I did two 30 min sessions) but they're pugs and don't walk real fast unless they see a squirrel or cat. Or another dog!</div>
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2) 30 mins reading. I read 20 mins at my lunch which I TOTALLY loved. It was a nice break for the middle of the day. I did spend about 20 mins reading blogs but the deal is 30 minutes straight.</div>
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3) 30 mins mindful writing/prayer/metitation. this is the one I REALLY need to work harder at. I only got 10 mins in today for this goal. but again, the quality of what I got in the 10 mins is PRICELESS!! </div>
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xoxo</div>
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tori</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-17160679294847980962014-03-04T20:54:00.000-06:002014-03-04T20:55:00.667-06:0030 days, 30 mins, 3 challengesHolly over at <a href="http://www.300poundsdown.com/" target="_blank">300 Pounds Down</a> created her own "challenge" (for a lack of better words) where she is working on x-number of small goals, for 30 mins a day, for 30 days. I find it intriguing and thought that I would start a lil smaller (I think she is working on 5 things). I'm hoping that after 30 days at least one of the 3 goals will become a permanent/routine habit. <br />
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MY goals/challenges:</div>
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1) 30 minutes of moderate physical activity. Walking, jogging, running, biking and or housework (yes housework-have you run a vacuum cleaner in a 1300 sq ft house? how about washed 9 windows (inside/outside)? how about the bathroom...I mean really CLEANED the bathroom?).</div>
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2) 30 minutes reading (non fiction, fiction, self help etc etc)-nothing special, just want to read to expand my mental horizons.</div>
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3) 30 minutes mindful writing, prayer, meditation. Hard to explain this one but I'd like to explore my spirituality, I'd like to write more personal prayers (write more period LOL), and learn how to quiet my brain. Sometimes I feel like the noise in my head NEVER shuts off...the only time it has gotten quiet has been when I've searched for special prayers for what's heavy on my heart at the moment. I feel like if I could meditate properly I could focus better on other goals (ie running, my job).</div>
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Today I haven't YET met my goals. I biked for 20 mins today and haven't read more than a new article online about a rude woman who left a note under another hotel guests door blasting them for their baby's overnight crying.</div>
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But I'm not concerned...it's day one, I still have an hour left, and progress is progress! </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-31462569037991572472014-02-27T16:12:00.000-06:002014-02-27T16:12:08.093-06:00Labels.....<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">I've
read a couple of great posts this morning and I'm starting feel a lil
better mentally. This morning I weighed myself, as I often do in the
morning, to see that the scale really isn't
moving. There are 11 days left at my Dietbet and I'm no longer
confident that I will lose my 4% to "win" (which is a sour reminder that
this would be the third FAILED Dietbet). Then I started reading a post
by <i><a href="http://www.shutupandrun.net/" target="_blank">Shut Up and Run</a></i> where she mentions "Only you know if you are doing your best...". This
ALL bummed me out because quite frankly, while I am doing better at
"life", I'm not doing my best. I'm watching what I eat but I'm still
eating too much of the bad foods. I'm exercising
more but I'm not pushing myself like I know I could. I’m aware of life
but still spend a lot of time on the sidelines. And so the tone for the
day was set because I labeled myself as a failure because “once again I
talk a good game but have not follow thru.”<br />
<br />
At my break time I checked my Facebook page to vent. While there an interesting blurb caught my eye. You see, I follow
<a href="http://www.sarahkayhoffman.com/" target="_blank"><i>A Gusty Girl Health Coach</i></a> on both Facebook and Twitter
(@sarahkayhoffman on twitter). She appears to be a sweet, intelligent,
health conscious individual—some things that I am and some things that I
aspire to be in my life. Anyhow, she posted a link
to a WONDERFUL blog post discussing labeling and what a disservice it
is to us as independent individuals. Go<i> to <a href="http://www.niashanks.com/" target="_blank">Lift Like a Girl</a> </i><a href="http://www.niashanks.com/2014/02/labels/" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext;"></span></a>for the entire blog post but the gist of it is, stop using other peoples labels as your own. Nia Shanks writes
“embrace <em><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">your own</span></em> labels” and “<em><strong><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Make sure you embrace labels that help you become the most awesome version of
</span></strong><b><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">yourself</span></b></em>.”</span></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Embrace
my AWESEOMENESS!! Which is truly what (one small step at a time) I’ve
been working on doing with my life. Because I feel I am different from
others. But like many others I am quick
to judge and place a standard label on something/one….especially on
myself….probably because it’s so easy to do…possibly because it was how I
was trained. Time for a retrain!!</span></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">A few questions regarding weight issues</span></b><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"> (using the learner questions as shown in
<a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/change-your-questions-change-your-life-marilee-adams/1016185914?ean=9781576756003" target="_blank"><i>Change Your Question, Change Your Life</i></a> by Marilee Adams):<br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"> Why do I want to exercise more? (because I LOVE how I feel physically, emotionally, and mentally after doing it)</span></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Why do I want to eat healthier foods and take supplements? (because I LOVE what they do for my body/mind)</span></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">Am I happy trying to achieve a body that someone else says is the standard for me? (No-I’m no, matter of fact it makes me sick)</span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";"></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">A few questions I am encouraged to explore regarding my “personality”:</span></b></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">What’s my favorite characteristic about myself?</span></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">What strengths do I possess?</span></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">What qualities can I embrace and “run with”?</span></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">
</span></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">What qualities of mine do
<b><i>I feel</i></b> need to tweeked?</span></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">One
thing I can say off the top of my head, that I LOVE about me, is that I’m
not afraid to learn, explore, and ask questions. The only answer I <b>am</b>
afraid of is the one not given.
</span></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="ecxMsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif";">P.S. There
is a saying that “the truth hurts”…but the truth doesn’t have to hurt;
it could be used as a welcome self-improvement tool!</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-71373744512440295392014-02-09T21:15:00.001-06:002014-02-09T21:17:11.022-06:00Cancer sux, Dietbet, Cabbage soupPops's Dr. changed the type of chemo dad gets (because his cancer was responding positively enough to the other chemo he opted for maintenance chemo) and it's Mucking with his blood sugar. He has three weeks off and one week of taking pills sunday monday and tues. Dad has diabetes and most of the time manageable (?)...sure it sometimes is higher than it should but a few tweeks of menu and all is good in the world. Anyhow, Dad was suppose to have a PET scan this past Thursday, as long as his blood sugar was under 200, but because he had to take his chemo pills it wasn't under 200. Poor thing is so frustrated (and a lil grouchier than normal). And there is nothing any of us can do; except pray. And I'm so thankful that I'm able to that. Cuz I ain't got nothin else.<br />
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I was told (ever so politely) by my dr that I might want to consider losing a few pounds. According to his records, In the last year I gained 8 pounds. According to my records in the last two and half years I've gain 50lbs. Yes, you read that right...50lbs. Even before my Jan 20th appointment I knew that this was the year I would put forth an effort to get back into shape, eat healthier, and shed the lbs I gained back. So I've been going to the Y a few days a week...and making my lunches....I even made my "famous" cabbage soups today for my lunches this week...and I joined a dietbet hosted by one of my bloggie buddies <a href="http://kate-my-mind.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">SuperKate</a> . It starts tomorrow but I weighed in today. I have to lose 4% of my weight which is 8.6 lbs. I THINK I have 28 days to do this. And I'm gonna rock it!! cuz if I don't I'm deleting this blog and putting my head in the sand!</div>
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Have a great week.....</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-53378471801025747312014-01-29T13:57:00.002-06:002014-01-29T13:57:56.684-06:00Growth is a day to day process....So far the year is going well....at least I have no real complaints. Unless I'm referring to work....but we won't go into that because my focus is on being more grounded, making more time for family/me, and "letting go" of "Things". Oh and getting out of my comfort zone.<br />
<br />
Jan 1st I sold the treadmill, on Jan 14th I joined the Y (& have been going every Tues/Thurs), and have tried to put more focus on me (ie having a more positive disposition; finding my purpose;blah blah blah). Some moments it feels selfish to focus on my needs but I remind myself that I'm really of no use to anyone if I can't find my "happy" (besides who wants to be around a grumpy pants!). This doesn't mean that I am ignoring anyone; just means that I'm first as well as not saying yes to everything. In the back of my mind is still what to do/not do as it pertains to community service/volunteer work but I haven't forced myself to make a decision. I enjoy most of the other folks that volunteer at CC, enjoy that it's something Tim and I can do as a couple, the money raised is put to good use but truthfully-I HATE how unorganized some events seem. Things not ready, too many chiefs not enough indians.... and I mainly HATE that it's strictly about their charitible organization and never about another charitble event that they might be able to help with. I've played devils advocate many times as to why they can't give of themselves to other events in the area (I can only imagine how many requests they get for money or tickets) BUT they feel it's ok to send an email out requesting CC volunteers to a players charity event that none of the proceeds go to CC but tell me "we can't send an email out for your event because it has nothing to do with CC" I get a lil irritated. I'm sure I'm over reacting (all volunteer organizations have issues) BUT these volunteer activities have caused me some anxiety in the past and I really need me to answer the question "is this something I really want to do?" "Why do I want to do it?" "What is it that I am looking for when volunteering?"<br />
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Anyhow I am feeling pretty good about how things are moving this year. But I do wish I could figure out how to not "spaz out" so easily. My expectations of things often do NOT match the outcome. Sometimes I am pleasantly surprised but that really is a rarity. I find that those times that I am pleasantly surprised is because I didn't "dwell" on "anything"....aka I didn't have any expectations on how the outcome would be. I just did what needed to be done.<br />
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I wonder if there is a book on how to be more of a "go with the flow" kind of person?<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-65397324654605022722014-01-14T21:07:00.000-06:002014-01-14T21:07:55.639-06:00Small victoryI didn't make it to the work out class (got out of work late) BUT I did make it to they Y today and I walked on the treadmill so that's a small victory for me. I'd show you my id card but ipad and posting pictures isn't agreeing...<br />
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<img src="webkit-fake-url://42233286-C0C0-4DF0-A438-ABA3CDCBCF2B/imagejpeg" />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-660141314532586692014-01-12T22:47:00.001-06:002014-01-12T22:48:20.247-06:00Incorporating "20 Things Mentally Strong People DON'T Do'...The recent death of Scotty has opened my eyes to some things that I inadvertently "turned a cheek to". While trying to be a supportive friend/sister to his wife (she is like a lil sister to me) I realized that I didn't let myself heal properly after my mother died. I was 25, had never experienced death (I didn't know my grandparents), and didn't know of resources available for grieving. I dealt with her death in a very destructive, rash way. I'm VERY thankful that she is seeking guidance that I never sought, looking for positive changes for a happier future, and blessed that she is sharing her journey with me. <br />
<br />
Fast forward to yesterday when someone from my Advocare group posted the article "20 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do" on Facebook (full/detailed article <a href="http://elitedaily.com/life/motivation/20-things-that-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/" target="_blank">here</a>). I read the article and thought about sis and I's conversations. Long story short is that I realize that I have dwelled too long in the past, I often refuse to remove myself from my comfort zone, constantly think of how I or something I want to do will fail (without even trying), and give into my fears (to name a few LOL). Don't get me wrong, I haven't spent all of the last 18 yrs this way BUT more often than not I have. Closing myself off to the real world is/was easy and a lot less painful. If you don't put yourself out there you can't get hurt. Of course being this way I've probably missed out on some good times. <br />
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Anyhow, I thought I would work this article into my life. While I DON'T consider myself mentally weak, I do KNOW that there is room for improvement. I'm almost always open to learning and in recent years I have occasionally put into work what I've learned (I've certainly become more patient/understanding). :O) The Advocare guy posted it so that folks would use it as a resource to become a "Champion within Advocare"....and I want to be a champion in life, not just Advocare.<br />
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So I am sure that you went and checked out the article and that you'll help me with the list. Of the list of 20 things I am going to focus on #1 (Dwell on the past), #2 (Remain in comfort zone), #6 (letting others make decisions for me), and #17 (giving into fears) first. I chose these four because I feel that of the list of things these are my "worst" mental offenders.<br />
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The first item I am going to tackle is #2, comfort zone. I hate public exercise classes. I'm not real keen on overly happy, smiling, chipper people (sorry LOL-I think it's because happy doesn't yet come naturally to me). My neighbor (who almost always seems happy, smiley, perky) teaches a 25 min "Core and more" at the YMCA on Tues/Thurs. So Tuesday night I'll be heading over to the YMCA to participate in her class. I might even stand in the middle of the class verse the back of the class!!<br />
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TTYL....Tori<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5107001694114008711.post-52098371969584980772014-01-08T21:45:00.000-06:002014-01-08T21:45:29.713-06:00Things to consider for 2014We are already a week into 2014...seems kind of longer but I'm getting older so my perception of time sux. I've NEVER been big on "resolutions" but I do believe in establishing a set goals for the year.<br />
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1. stay grounded. Shit happens but if I can stay grounded and focused on the present (& what makes me happy, living healthy) maybe getting to a desired result will be "more attainable" (ie run more, lose weight, avoid injury)? (I didn't just state an oxy moron did I?)<br />
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2. Let go of what I "thought" I should be. Things have happened for a reason and I couldn't always control the things that happened; especially the bad. Bad things happen to good people-that's life.<br />
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3. set aside time for me to explore my needs via exercise, creative outlets (photography), spiritual development.<br />
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4. Continue to make time for family. Dad is responding to the chemo so I can cut back on driving up every weekend/every other weekend (talk about burn out)...once a month for 3 days should suffice for now. <br />
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This isn't my whole list but the more mentally challenging. I read somewhere that you should be "specific" on ones goals so I have to work more on the specifics of what I want physically.<br />
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TTYLAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15303372630847074830noreply@blogger.com2