Sunday, January 27, 2013

I've spent years trying to be like everyone else...

because that's what I thought I was supposed to do .  I thought to be "normal" I had to be like everyone else....LOOK like everyone else...THINK like everyone else..."do as everyone else does". But the harder I tried the more I realized that I was NOT like everyone else. And others were quick to point out my differences. I marched (and still do) to my own drummer.  I felt totally inadequate as a person and I slowly became a recluse.  No worries, I didn't hold my inadequacies (or actually the lack there of) against anyone...I realized that I was just different and felt more comfortable alone.  But the older I get and the more time I spend healing my brain (for a lack of better words), I realize that there are a lot of folks that have felt similar emotions to being "different in a perfect society" as myself. In a weird way our differences have made us similar and technology allows us to form a bond.  And now it's time to embrace my individuality and nurture the fact that I'm different. I have quirks. And that I'm actually a lil weird.  I don't like mixing my food (unless I have mashed potatoes on my plate) and prefer to eat one thing at a time (which makes me chuckle because I love hobos for breakfast-which is a layer of hash browns, two eggs, bacon, then cheese or gravy over the top).  I have a specific routine that I HAVE to follow every time I am the last to leave the house otherwise I spaz (and I will turn around half way to work to come home and do my routine).  Gone are the days of "flying by the seat of my pants" ya know.  ANYHOW--I'm proud to be different. I'm happy to realize that I am my own worse critic and that I never continued to strive to be what I felt was society's "normal".

But I still struggle with what is "normal" because sometimes doing something different than another person is normal...just you're normal...but you don't know that (until you do your research).  I remember the day I went to get fitted for running shoes with a pal.  Part of the process is running in front of the clerk for her/him to "recommend" a shoe.  I ran first, then my friend.  My running store gal pointed out to the other store gal that I was running pronated.  Then my friend ran and the gal stated "she's running normal".  Mind you at the time I had no idea what pronation meant (hey I never said I was the brightest bulb) but hearing someone else be referred to as normal and not you made me feel inadequate.  Mind you I've always felt funny (self conscious) running in front/near other people but this really made me feel like I was a 'different' runner and that maybe I shouldn't run when others can see me.  And I haven't really ran since.  But that might be changing.  I saw the male version of me running the other day. I know it was the male version because his running style was just like how the pictures of me running (sometimes with legs kicking up almost to the point of kicking self in ass) showed. And he was running IN BROAD DAYLIGHT on the MAIN road in town and looked to have no care in the world!!!! or that's how I perceived it. It just struck me and I thought that it was so cool.  Seeing him running got me to thinking that maybe how I run is normal and that maybe I need to figure out how to LET GO of worrying about what I think others are thinking of me running. Because what someone else thinks of me shouldn't have any bearing on how I live my life.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

So Far So Good

Well, January is certainly nothing to cry about.  While my time management skills are not as good as I would like them to be, nor is planning out the rest of the years "to do" list (remember-following the Happiness Project); Improving the items on my January to do list is going pretty "good".

Issues to work on were:
  1. Buy based on needs vs. what’s on sale
  2. Quality vs. quantity
  3. Less time on computer; more time focused on “the real world”
  4. Let it go
  5. Follow the “one-minute rule”
I know that this doesn't sound real positive but I'm amazed at my "focus". And I'm excited to be feeling a lil more alive this year (and like "this is gonna be a GREAT year!"). Heck, it already started with me winning a David Freese autograph!!

Ok, back to the list. I get an A++ for #1.  80% of funds spent have been on items that I needed. Yes, still room for improvement but not much.  Things I bought this month that I DIDN'T need consist of the David Freese baseball card/plaque (ended up having him sign a license plate thing) and $7 on autograph tickets (that I got the winning ticket from for David-total hottie by the way).

#2 Quality vs. quantity has really weighed on me this month. In a day and age where it's "want want want" "more more more" I'm tired of so much SHIT. I used to love to grab 10lbs of shit and stuff it in a 5lb bag. I don't need more SHIT. I need to acquire more PEACE, Happiness, and good karma. There's been a lot of self talk this month and anytime I feel my hoarding tendencies overwhelming me I ask a simple question..."Do I really need this? How will it affect my current situation?" I've also been attempting to incorporate the "Quality vs. Quantity" as it pertains to food as well. It's much harder do but baby steps. Learning what foods are better for me and will hold me over longer than the typical junk food is challenging (I know that junk food is not good for a healthy lifestyle but letting go of old habits is hard. It's just so much easier to buy a bag of chips/candy than it is to find a healthy alternative). I'd give myself a C on quality vs. quantity.

#3 Less time on computer; more time focused on “the real world” started off rocky. I'm a bit attached to technology. I love being able to text, facebook, twitter, check my mail and play words with friends. Hubs is not overly impressed by the amount of time I spend doing so (even though we do nothing of importance when I'm not attached). So I really have been putting forth an effort to log off more often or log on after hours. It isn't easy and I'd say I've earned a C-.

#4 Letting go is becoming easier each day. Part of it is that I'm just plain tired of "fighting". Not literal fighting of course; figuratively speaking. The need to be "right" or "recognized for my greatness" just isn't there. Could be that I'm maturing (at 42) could be that I'm preparing for bigger and better battles. Some battles just aren't worth it ya know.

#5 Follow the “one-minute rule” Ya...I'd give myself a 50% which is FAILING. Granted I do occasionally follow it but I"m just a lazy gal at heart...well actually my attention span is short and I quickly forget what I'm doing and go do something else.

I still need to work on a more "in depth" to do list for 2013. I haven't even begun to address my lack of inactivity in the exercise department...I don't really know what I want to "accomplish". I know I want to go and do...but knowing and doing are still two different things.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Ten Things Thursday

In an attempt to keep writing I'm going to give this lil number a shot. Should be fun right...right.

1) I once was an aspiring artist.  My creative juices LOVED molding clay; losing myself in the process of kneading, molding, tucking, nip, repeat.  And it came very natural.

2) I am the most curious person I know. I've always been a curious person. I love learning and experiencing new things. My motto is "I'll try anything once; as long as it's legal."

3) I work within the law enforcement industry. For the most part I LOVE it. I am in charge of the "office" and get to boss people around, act like a mother hen, and take care of the lil things. I work with mostly men (some of whom are hot hot hot men-shh no telling hubs); some of whom are like brothers, some not so much.  No two days are the same yet none are different.

4) I sometimes talk too much and it's hard for me to not "blab" sacred information. I always tease that if interrogated I would "give it all up in a heart beat." Keeping secrets KILLS me.

5) I kinda love animals more than I love people (no offense peeps). Especially dogs. They are always happy to see me...always happy to play, follow, snuggle. And if I have a bad day (and screw something up)-it don't matter because they are still happy to see me! I would LOVE to have a dog rescue...

6) when I was five I talked the little boy down the street to walking across the main road to the laundry mat to get some bubble gum. When he attempted to protest saying that we aren't supposed to cross the street I cheerfully said "we aren't supposed to cross the street ALONE; if we hold hands while crossing there's no problem." Needless to say there was a problem and we got our butts beat. Literally.

7) I love walking in the rain, singing in the rain, sleeping in the rain (inside under my covers of course)....

8) ten things Thursday is much harder than I thought it would be!! :O) Trying to think of interesting things to write about so folks won't fall asleep!!!

9) I once took the bowling ball out of the bag, put the cat into the bowling bag, and tossed it down the hallway. I was three and my mother didn't know whether to laugh (because of my ingenuity) or to scold me. No worries...the cat wasn't permanently injured; just a lil loopy from the rolls!

10) I'm gettin another tattoo soon. It's my grandpa's version of Thumper. He drew it on an envelope that contained a letter to my grandma during WWII

Monday, January 7, 2013

Being Perfect

I work really hard to be the best wife, the best daughter, the best person someone else knows. But no matter how hard I try, I fall short and realize just how imperfect I am. I work so hard to please others, to put others first, to make everyone happy but I just always feel like I I miss the mark. For the love of pete-I can't even cut a straight friggin line!!

I really only have one question right now.  WHO DA FIDGE SAID I HAVE TO BE PERFECT!? OMG it's so friggin tiring! No wonder I'm always exhausted. F'ck I just can't continue down that road.

I know I will never be perfect but I can be better than I am now. And that's what I'll strive to do...LET GO (res#4) of attempting to be pefect and baby steppin to bein a lil better than I was before....working to be the very best I can be...

Friday, January 4, 2013

January resolute or not to resolute...

I just realized that I am starting my fourth year of blogging. That blows my mind considering I have a short attention span... I've stated before: I'm back.  And while I'm not big on "resolutions", I am big on changing habits! So for the month of January I will be utilizing Gretchen Rubin’s Charts from her book The Happiness Project.  Actually she sent me (and anyone else interested) the chart samples back in 2011 (may have been 2010) when I joined her lil mailing list because they are not in her book (and she was being helpful). And Of course I tweeked the charts to better fit my needs. I attempted to follow it before (still have the charts even!) but at some point in time or another I felt the urge to stop. Anywho, This go around I’m just going to take it month by month and “issue by issue”. I will add new issues as I feel that I’ve made one of the current issues a stable (?) habit or it’s no longer an issue. Chances are, I’ll be adding to verse taking away because that's how I roll. I always need reminders...preferably in writing!! 

Have a great weekend and here's to a very wonderful 2013!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

All in the name of Happiness!

Looking over last years “to do” list saddens me a bit…short, broad, and incomplete. It’s almost as if I was setting myself up for failure!! Saving money, losing weight, paying off debt, obtaining part time employment, reading, and of course wogging. Eight things on my list; only four got touched with only two completed. And instead of losing weight, I gained 30. I’m thinking this year I’m going to change it up a bit. Maybe I’ll relieve some pressure from myself and not put a number on things! Before I get to that list, let me toot my horn and shed some light on what I did do (trust me, it’ll make me feel better!!).

Last year I participated (and completed) in 12 5k’s, 1 10k, and 2 ½ marathons. No PRs were set but that wasn’t the goal or the point. The point was to go and do. I did. I also went zip lining, joined a fitness center, paid off 12% of my debt, and read 16 books. I think the most important thing accomplished from last year is the fact that I started to cut myself some slack. I’m human. I can only do so much. While many of the things I did last year is/are a blur (seriously-I was shocked at the list of celebs that had died throughout the year that I didn’t remember passing!!) and probably done on auto pilot I do remember repeating “breathe, it’s ok, you know what you’re capable of and owe no one any apologies for what you think is your short coming.” All in the name of SANITY!! :0)
What would I like to see from 2013 from myself (because I know I can’t change the entire world’s outlook)? To start, I’d like quality rather than quantity; to expand my knowledge; to choose positive over negative; to “let it go” the things I CAN’T change/influence.
Breaking it down:
Quality vs. quantity:

o Less time on computer; more time focused on hubs and playing with dogs

o Buying based on our needs (and using the items) vs. buying items because they are on sale (then letting them sit and tossing because they have spoiled).

o More time working towards a 5k; less 5k’s (at first). It was a wonderful goal (in an attempt to get me more active) to “participate in 12 5k’s” but I’m not confident that I got much good out of completing the goal. I’m certainly not in better shape for doing all of them. Heck, I probably wouldn’t have done so many if it hadn’t been for my BFF Heather.

Expand my knowledge:

o Reading books that will help ease future circumstances (example Caring for aging parents; Simple Acts of Gratitude; 21 Days to Master Success & Inner Peace)

o Learn a new language
Choose positive over negative and to “let it go” the things I CAN’T change/influence is going to be tricky and most likely a work in progress. One of the books I am revisiting this year is “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin. I got half way thru the book the last time before I petered out. It was a great read and very inspirational (I even lost 50lbs that year). I need to figure out how to keep inspired when not reading the book.

Anyone interested in doing a "Happiness Project" Challenge with me?