because that's what I thought I was supposed to do . I thought to be "normal" I had to be like everyone else....LOOK like everyone else...THINK like everyone else..."do as everyone else does". But the harder I tried the more I realized that I was NOT like everyone else. And others were quick to point out my differences. I marched (and still do) to my own drummer. I felt totally inadequate as a person and I slowly became a recluse. No worries, I didn't hold my inadequacies (or actually the lack there of) against anyone...I realized that I was just different and felt more comfortable alone. But the older I get and the more time I spend healing my brain (for a lack of better words), I realize that there are a lot of folks that have felt similar emotions to being "different in a perfect society" as myself. In a weird way our differences have made us similar and technology allows us to form a bond. And now it's time to embrace my individuality and nurture the fact that I'm different. I have quirks. And that I'm actually a lil weird. I don't like mixing my food (unless I have mashed potatoes on my plate) and prefer to eat one thing at a time (which makes me chuckle because I love hobos for breakfast-which is a layer of hash browns, two eggs, bacon, then cheese or gravy over the top). I have a specific routine that I HAVE to follow every time I am the last to leave the house otherwise I spaz (and I will turn around half way to work to come home and do my routine). Gone are the days of "flying by the seat of my pants" ya know. ANYHOW--I'm proud to be different. I'm happy to realize that I am my own worse critic and that I never continued to strive to be what I felt was society's "normal".
But I still struggle with what is "normal" because sometimes doing something different than another person is normal...just you're normal...but you don't know that (until you do your research). I remember the day I went to get fitted for running shoes with a pal. Part of the process is running in front of the clerk for her/him to "recommend" a shoe. I ran first, then my friend. My running store gal pointed out to the other store gal that I was running pronated. Then my friend ran and the gal stated "she's running normal". Mind you at the time I had no idea what pronation meant (hey I never said I was the brightest bulb) but hearing someone else be referred to as normal and not you made me feel inadequate. Mind you I've always felt funny (self conscious) running in front/near other people but this really made me feel like I was a 'different' runner and that maybe I shouldn't run when others can see me. And I haven't really ran since. But that might be changing. I saw the male version of me running the other day. I know it was the male version because his running style was just like how the pictures of me running (sometimes with legs kicking up almost to the point of kicking self in ass) showed. And he was running IN BROAD DAYLIGHT on the MAIN road in town and looked to have no care in the world!!!! or that's how I perceived it. It just struck me and I thought that it was so cool. Seeing him running got me to thinking that maybe how I run is normal and that maybe I need to figure out how to LET GO of worrying about what I think others are thinking of me running. Because what someone else thinks of me shouldn't have any bearing on how I live my life.