Wednesday, December 18, 2013

too many options....what's best for me?

Completely at a loss.  I know what I’m supposed to do (eat healthier, be more active, shed excess weight-about 50lbs) but I don’t truly know how I want to get back at it. I have several great options available….

1.      Planet fitness (year plan is $99 (about 8.53mo); open 7 days a week; 30 mins from home; 5 mins from work)

2.      YMCA (13 week challenge for $200 offers weekly class (tues night) that teaches you specifics about food and requires tracking food/emotions; offers access to fabulous fitness ctr 7 days a week during that 13 week period; 10 mins from home; 30 mins from work)

3.      Weight Watchers ($42 mo/approx. (about $128 for 13 weeks); unlimited meetings; online tracking; weekly weigh ins; meetings are at various locations).

4.      Follow weight watchers at home ($0 since I know how the program works) and use treadmill at home.

I was really successful at weight loss utilizing Weight Watcher meetings (verse on my own).  I went into it with the attitude “I will give them 3 months to make me a believer.” I followed their program pretty close and in about 8 months lost 55lbs. A few months out of that time I used the YMCA fitness center. But I started thinking about money and how expensive it was all getting...about 75 a month…but I love to spend money elsewhere and things piled up so I stopped going to both stating that I could “do it on my own”. 47 lbs later here I am contemplating what to do….

Anyhow…back to deciding and soliciting opinions….

I know ALL of the programs work but which one should I choose.  I Like WW because it’s flexible and I can eat my own food choices (vs someone telling me what to eat) but I wasn’t so disciplined when I wasn’t going to the meetings. Planet fitness is a wonderful place (and damn such a great price) BUT I don’t like working out during my lunch and getting to it after work is sometimes a pain in the rear (I sat thru 3 lights one time before I could get to it) and of course I’m not driving 30 mins on the weekend to work out for 30 mins to an hour.  If money were of NO concern I would sign up for the YMCA (year membership is about $453) because the one of two locations is 5 mins from the house, opens at 530 am during the week….and if I took the class it would only be an extra $100.

The biggest thing here that I’m realizing…is that no matter what/how I choose to be more active, eat healthier, and lose 50lbs is that I need to put my mind into it “all in”.  Just like when I first went to WW….

Sunday, December 15, 2013

What makes this time different?

Internally I've let my emotions (stress) get the best of me.  I'd say i'm tired of it but that's probably a lie. It's SO easy to take the easy way out of "things" easy to make excuses for doing what we know isn't "right" because we want instant gratificaiton.  and besides, I like crappy food and don't fully mind being lazy sometimes.  Crappy food is soooo much easier to open and shove down my pie hole than something a lil more healthy. It also seems a lil bit cheaper (short term at least) to eat crap than to fix a balanced meal or snack. Yes, I know, excuses excuses. I'm pretty good at making excuses.

I recently read a note from one of my dearest friends applauding me for my "ability to give a reality check when no one else had the balls to do so." At first it stung (do I REALLY want to be remembered for "being the dose of reality no one else wants to administer"?) but I quickly "reality checked" myself and decided "that's who I am" and I'm not ashamed. Is there a softer way of giving reality checks? Sure, probably, but I refuse to lie and have a hard time sugar coating things.  I'm a firm believer that you should look at "situations" from various angles, find the lesson, and find the positive in all things.  

so how does this all relate to stress, emotions, reality checks, and crappy food? I've been living unhealthy.  I've been (when none is watching) eating my way INTO a bag of cookies and right back out. I signed up for an expensive 5k and then blew it off (due to cold weather ha ha). And I've barely pried my fanny off the couch and away from Hallmark Channel. 

Still don't know how all this works together? Yeah me either but I believe in signs and I had a sign the other day. I saw on Facebook that the YMCA Edwardsville is hosting a 13 week weight loss challenge. I can stand to lose a few pounds and be a lil more active.  With the $200 non member fee comes a membership for the 13 weeks to their fitness center. I LOVE their fitness center. the class (which meets on Tuesdays) will talk about foods (carbs, proteins, vitamins, minerals, yada yada) and we will be required to keep a journal and I assume share it in class.  It sounds a lil better than weight watchers (because although I'm pretty versed in foods I could still use to learn more in depth about foods) but I'm hesitant. I've done ww's before with both success and failure.  I had a membership to planet fitness that I didn't use like I should have. I even own a treadmill that I rarely use. 

If I sign up for and pay this large amount of money for 13 weeks what will be different this time? What will make this time successful on various levels (mentally, emotionally, physically)? I don't want to pay the money and then not use the tools provided. But I know my track record.  What if the "teacher" of the class is a schmuck; dry, boring, snobby and makes me uncomfortable to the point that I stop going?  How can I not repeat unsuccessful attempts at being active and healthy (lost dietbets, signing up for a race and not showing up, paying for weight watchers and then not trackign/losing)?

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Understanding the loss...

Everyone is going to die sometime....I know this.  But it's not supposed to be the way it happened.  God is the one that is supposed to choose the when, the how, maybe even the why. Not us. We are not God, we aren't suppose to have that power. But some folks feel the need, the desparation, to take that  power.

One of my very best friends, someone I've known for 34 years, commited suicide late Friday, early Saturday morning. My emotions are a bit scattered. First anger (how the fuck could he do this to Marie (his wife); how could he do this to US); then sorrow; then bewilderment; then anger, repeat.  We STILL had our whole lives in front of us; we still had so much to live for. Sure he was suffering from bodily pain; yes he had emotional pain as well. But I THOUGHT I had expressed to him how important he was, how loved he was by many, not just me. I THOUGHT he understood that life without him wasn't the answer, that by him leaving more hurt would come of it verse the peace he expressed. From the sounds of it, I am not the only one who attemtped to sway him to look at the positive. Oh, I forgot to mention the emotion of failure.  How could I let him down like I did. Why did I say the things I said as if I were a licensed therapist. I can be a fuckin moron sometimes.

The logical person in me, the person who has spent the last several years healing from her own pain, knows that I did the best I could under the circumstances. I love him with my whole heart but I have NO control over another human being; he/she is responsible for his/her own actions. But a very small part of me says "you could have done more"..."you should have called him instead of texting"...shoulda, woulda, coulda. Supposedly there is a note from him to me-I'm not sure how to handle that....I guess I will just have to take it all in stride. He was an amazing person, friend, brother. He was not a bad person, he just made a bad choice (IMO).

If you EVER feel that desperate please I beg you, seek help. There are options. The pain of losing a loved one is hard enough; attempting to understand a death by suicide is a WHOLE different ball game. So many unanswered questions, so many things left unsaid. Families robbed of your love and left with guilt (or more guilt depending on the dynamics) never given the chance to say a "real" good bye.