Everyone is going to die sometime....I know this. But it's not supposed to be the way it happened. God is the one that is supposed to choose the when, the how, maybe even the why. Not us. We are not God, we aren't suppose to have that power. But some folks feel the need, the desparation, to take that power.
One of my very best friends, someone I've known for 34 years, commited suicide late Friday, early Saturday morning. My emotions are a bit scattered. First anger (how the fuck could he do this to Marie (his wife); how could he do this to US); then sorrow; then bewilderment; then anger, repeat. We STILL had our whole lives in front of us; we still had so much to live for. Sure he was suffering from bodily pain; yes he had emotional pain as well. But I THOUGHT I had expressed to him how important he was, how loved he was by many, not just me. I THOUGHT he understood that life without him wasn't the answer, that by him leaving more hurt would come of it verse the peace he expressed. From the sounds of it, I am not the only one who attemtped to sway him to look at the positive. Oh, I forgot to mention the emotion of failure. How could I let him down like I did. Why did I say the things I said as if I were a licensed therapist. I can be a fuckin moron sometimes.
The logical person in me, the person who has spent the last several years healing from her own pain, knows that I did the best I could under the circumstances. I love him with my whole heart but I have NO control over another human being; he/she is responsible for his/her own actions. But a very small part of me says "you could have done more"..."you should have called him instead of texting"...shoulda, woulda, coulda. Supposedly there is a note from him to me-I'm not sure how to handle that....I guess I will just have to take it all in stride. He was an amazing person, friend, brother. He was not a bad person, he just made a bad choice (IMO).
If you EVER feel that desperate please I beg you, seek help. There are options. The pain of losing a loved one is hard enough; attempting to understand a death by suicide is a WHOLE different ball game. So many unanswered questions, so many things left unsaid. Families robbed of your love and left with guilt (or more guilt depending on the dynamics) never given the chance to say a "real" good bye.
it ruins everything but it's a personal failure NOT a fail on the part of anyone else. I understand the guilt but you KNOW intellectually it's no ones fault. one of these days your heart will catch up to your head. I'm sending healing prayers to you and his family. mayhaps now he'll be at peace himself and that too is a comfort. xoxoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss, Tori. Everything that I've ever read and head about suicide indicates that the person is too wrapped up in their own misery to be able to consider the effect on those around them. It sounds to me like you were (are) a true friend who cared enough to try and help him and to have conversations that weren't easy to have. You need to listen to your logical side, because she's smart.
ReplyDeleteTori, I am so so sorry for your loss! So hard to understand how this can happen. Remember, this is not your fault! Please take care of yourself during this difficult time! Praying for you!
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