Wednesday, June 27, 2012


Yesterday I started a post about not having an issue being/acting/reintroducing fearlessness into my life. Long and short of it, I wrote that my issue was actually that I wasn't living life with a "can do" attitude and more specifically that I lacked motivation. True motivation, not "gettin by" by the skin of my teeth kind of motivation. I don't even think I had the energy to ask myself why. I just thought "holy shit life is passing by and I'm letting it." WTF. "Make a plan and stick to it!"

Sure I can talk a good game (ok these days I really don't talk but in my mind I talk). There is an old saying that you can't bullshit a bullshitter. And there is a time and place for bullshitting....just not when you're trying to get things done.  And by things I mean finances in order, healthy living in check, active life style, confidence pouring from my being!  "It" just isn't clicking. Or at least since this premenopause "happened" "things" just seem so out of sorts and or over whelming! I often don't feel like I have a handle on things. And I know that I often put too much pressure on myself but I'm a "type a" person and I HAVE to be in control. I just have to (yes I know this isn't a realistic out look but that's how I get).

So I woke up this morning. Post not posted; words still lingering. That "I've got to do something to improve my situation right now!" And I did. I think.  I jumped both feet in. I did something that Dave Ramsey would probably not approve of.  Instead of several payments I will have just one. I contacted the bank and applied for a three year loan to cover all my credit card debts. I was doing "ok" paying small bills off, closing the card and moving on to the next. But I often felt as if I would never get to "the money in the bank for a rainy day (which would lead to spending)" feeling.  And I wasn't always holding myself accountable and still basically living beyond my means. I don't want to live like that I deserve better.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I'm so scared I could shit a brick; literally; all joking aside. I'm shitting because I had a few options for paying back the loan and I took three years and not the four years which would have been a hundred dollars less a month.  BUT I have to make this work. I've not left myself any options (signed, sealed delivered thanks to technology). I left myself with just enough "left over" (after my portion of the mortgage/utilities and loan) for gas and neccessity groceries and a small "entertainment" fund if I so choose. Thankfully I have a husband that I can say "we need yada yada yada from the grocery store" and he will happily retrieve (What's a good dollar amount set aside for groceries (two people)?). I am worried about savings BUT if I don't spend my "allowance" (by the way, what is a good $ amount for an allowance) I can sock that aside.  thankfully I should be getting a raise in Oct but even if I don't I'll be ok paying back and in three years I will be debt free.  I do hope though that I can get a part time know...just in case I f'd myself by moving so fast. I mean surely I left myself enough, I'm not that stupid am I? I mean really, I have EVERYTHING I need and I SHOULD put the majority of my funds towards paying off my debt so that now "I can live like no other so that later I can live like no other." I'll just have to think before I buy. Which is what I should have been doing to begin with.  I also maybe should have tracked my spending a lil better so that I could verify that I was keeping enough back before checking the box stating I know this is a binding contract. I'm sure I did. Family just won't get anything extravigant for Christmas...if they get anything at all!!!

Monday, June 18, 2012

I'm not destined to...

always be the fat girl.

always be the one who listens to every one's woes but eats to keep hers under wraps.

always be the one who puts others needs first dismissing hers to avoid conflict.

always be the one who settles because "I just don't deserve it".

always be the one who is "the back up plan".

I AM destined to...

be the Beautiful girl, with an easy smile who is easy to talk to.

be the Intelligent girl who knows just what to say and when to say it.

be the Thoughtful girl who knows balance.

be the Clever girl whose ideas are bountiful and that helps everyone reap some benefit.

be the Healthy girl, the one who lives a happy, active life!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Be fearless: author unknown

'You overcome fear not by avoiding it, but by facing it. The more you face it the more fearless you become.' author unknown. Every day each and every one of us faces some kind of fear. Each and every day everyone of us overcomes that fear; sometimes without us realizing it. That's life. That's just how it is. We HAVE NO choice but TO face our fears because there is no one else there to do it for us. Xoxo Tori

Saturday, June 9, 2012

found my mojo

Completed my very 1st 10k. LOVED IT. just the right amount of miles (although I will continue to do half marathons). I was truckin along pretty good, playin cat and mouse with a few folks....then one of them started talking (said "sure every time I catch up you take off) and of course gave me the perfect excuse to stop trying to jog.  Ian is from the Alton area and was wonderful to hang with. He told me about some of his past running events (one of which was a 10k in Champaign, the same day I was doing my half there). Any way...we got to talking about tri's and I think I'm gonna take the plung. There's one coming up in August in Alton. My one "hesitation" is the swimming part. I do NOT own a swimsuit. I loathe swimsuits.

Anyhow...I think I found my mojo and I'm ready to commit to proper training. and I'm excited to feel good again!! woohooo