Tuesday, April 26, 2016

And now there is one...

I was divorced on Sept 9, 2015 after 10 years 9 months of marriage.  The decision wasn't easy and "blind-sided" my spouse (who felt the marriage was "just fine"/normal).  Despite his lack of self accountability; we are both to blame for the failed marriage.

For my part, I some how got to a place where I no longer felt safe voicing my opinion. I lost my confidence, lost who I was and was constantly second guessing everything about me (my knowledge, my abilities, my loyalties, etc). But one day I woke up (around my 45th birthday) and realized that I could not live the next 10 years like the last 10 years.

Post-split has been about healing, finding my voice, understanding my part in the failed marriage (as well in failed relationships), and educating myself (on anything and everything) that will help me not repeat past mistakes if ever given the chance to "love" someone else again. While it's only been five months, I feel different. I feel better. I'm moving more and eating better (most of the time Emoji).  I'm learning to cut myself some slack, replace negative words with positive, and push myself outside of my comfort zone every now and then.  I finally (at 45) feel optimistic about my future and what I have to offer.

My post split journey HAS been challenging emotionally (a different type of lonely) but I do realize that there is a whole new world out there for me. I realize too that the possibilities seem to be endless even for people over 45; all I have to do is roll with it.  My first "post marriage" trip is coming up March 13th to NYC and I'm so excited I can barely contain myself!

What are you going to do?

What are you going to do? He said it three times. What are you going to do? Each time he asked he said it a lil more desperately.  All I could say is "I don't know fully but definetly pursue professional advancement in my field; I do have a Master's Degree after all."

And it's true, I don't really know. This coming from a Type A personality who typically has a plan A-D. 

I know I want more out of life than sitting on the sidelines cheering someone else on as they pursue (and fulfil) their dreams. I deserve more too.  Don't I? Sure the first couple years of marriage seemed more about us and me.  But as soon as we moved closer to where he grew up, where his mom and siblings were that changed. And not subtly.  As soon as the mortgage paperwork was signed it seemed to be all about him/his family, all the time. All about what he wanted to do. All about what he liked. All about his mother's needs. Even on my birthday one year he had to take her and her dog to the vet for a ROUTINE visit.  It had to be done THAT day? I'm all about helping family but your spouse should NEVER be fourth place on your spouses list.

So here I sit five months post divorce wondering "What am I going to do?".  Sure life has been calmer (I no longer feel like a failure of a spouse) but I haven't outwardly done much.  I am happier; less stress will do that for you.  I'm slimmer/healthier; eating home cooked meals and exercise will do that for you.  But I've certainly made no concrete plans for my future like I did pre marriage (get married, buy a house, have children, live happily ever after).  

So what am I going to do now?  My happily ever after is now where it probably should have been all along; in my hands.  With so many opportunities available, even to a 45 year old, how do you chose what to do? I heard somewhere to seek out your passion, set goals, go forth and conquer.  But I don't know what my passion is and I've set goals before and failed miserably.  I've had plans a, b, c, d and they'll fallen thru.  The only thing I know for certain is that I want to be happy, healthy, confident.

So what am I going to do now?