2013-Back to the land of the living

2012 wasn't really the most memorable year ever for me.  Sure I did a few things out of my "ordinary", attempted to be active and healthy, but for the most part it seems as if I was on auto-pilot. I spent the majority of the year unenthused and exhibiting little ambition (for anything).  Don't mis-read my words or attempt to read between the lines. I can talk a good game and on the outside no one guessed what was going on on the inside; that my heart just wasn't in living! Yeah I know; Kinda sad.

My year of mourning started in January.  I never purposefully intended to mourn; after all no one LITERALLY died or left my life.  But after switching doctors and explaining to him my unexplained exhaustion, body aches, night sweats, crying spells out of no where and the INCREDIBLE mood swings the doctor ran some tests. He determined I was pre-menopausal (Peri-menopausal for those hoytie toyties wishing to make hell sound less extreme and more manageable). He also mentioned (due to my age and the fact that I am childless) that if my husband and I were considering having children that we should explore the option of adoption, as there was only a 5% ish chance that natural conception and or invitro-fertilization would be successful.

I'm sure that I am not alone in how I felt when told my chances of having my own blood related child. As a woman undecided about bringing a child into the world to begin with, having the choice ripped from my "being" was a bit more over whelming then imagined. Not that I ever imagined NOT having the choice. Because when asked by family members "what happens when the clocks stops ticking" I'd merely state that we could chose to adopt ("there are plenty of children who need families. We don't HAVE to have a baby.").  But of course it was yet another reminder of who is in control and who is not. And my type a ass is not in control. And I was bummed to say the least that having a biological child was no longer a choice I could make. I felt like I lost a part of me...like my woman hood was being questioned. And I slipped into a depression that I even tried to deny to myself. That is so weird to type out loud.

Well, my mourning is over and it's time to get back to life. I can't say that the "depression" has subsided; just more manageable. I guess the saying is true that it's all about choices. I can chose to be happy with what I have, learn to live and smile, and laugh (with out force) or I can continue to waste space. And seriously...wasting space is totally over rated! :O)

Merry Christmas everyone.

Wow...I'm such a slacker these days!

I'm such a slacker. I'm not sure where time went but the year is almost over.  And while I accomplished a lot on my 'to do list' I didn't accomplish the main thing I wanted to and that's to be in better physical shape AND be at goal weight. Then again I'm thinking (as I type this)  'did I get that specific on my to do list in regards to wieght? Did I write out how I want to accomplish those goals?'  Guess I'll need to make sure I am very specific with my weight and physical goals this year; as specific as I was with my reading and 5k goals. 

More later...when I got it all written out. I just can't believe the year is almost over!!!

"And that's why your still fat..."

Power of self talk is amazing. Also amazing is how much easier it is to believe the negative over the positive. It's like a frickin ipod set up on repeat to play the same thing, over and over, day in day out. Or like a record that skips and plays the same thing over and over until you pick up the needle for those who are my age.

I know when the negative voices set up permanent camp; refusing to leave.  But there is no way to go back-"it is what it is". Life happens. Some just know how to move on earlier than others. Then again, I've noticed that there are a lot of others out there "just like me", muddling their way thru too, just trying to find their happy place. We all have a story.  But no offense, it's not a comforting feeling. Life shouldn't ALWAYS be so hard. Or emotionally charged. I enjoy the days when the stars are aligned perfectly and "life" falls into place where I can smile freely because I "feel at peace". I long for a "routine" that doesn't involve feeling helpless, overwhelmed, "out of sorts".