2012 wasn't really the most memorable year ever for me. Sure I did a few things out of my "ordinary", attempted to be active and healthy, but for the most part it seems as if I was on auto-pilot. I spent the majority of the year unenthused and exhibiting little ambition (for anything). Don't mis-read my words or attempt to read between the lines. I can talk a good game and on the outside no one guessed what was going on on the inside; that my heart just wasn't in living! Yeah I know; Kinda sad.
My year of mourning started in January. I never purposefully intended to mourn; after all no one LITERALLY died or left my life. But after switching doctors and explaining to him my unexplained exhaustion, body aches, night sweats, crying spells out of no where and the INCREDIBLE mood swings the doctor ran some tests. He determined I was pre-menopausal (Peri-menopausal for those hoytie toyties wishing to make hell sound less extreme and more manageable). He also mentioned (due to my age and the fact that I am childless) that if my husband and I were considering having children that we should explore the option of adoption, as there was only a 5% ish chance that natural conception and or invitro-fertilization would be successful.
I'm sure that I am not alone in how I felt when told my chances of having my own blood related child. As a woman undecided about bringing a child into the world to begin with, having the choice ripped from my "being" was a bit more over whelming then imagined. Not that I ever imagined NOT having the choice. Because when asked by family members "what happens when the clocks stops ticking" I'd merely state that we could chose to adopt ("there are plenty of children who need families. We don't HAVE to have a baby."). But of course it was yet another reminder of who is in control and who is not. And my type a ass is not in control. And I was bummed to say the least that having a biological child was no longer a choice I could make. I felt like I lost a part of me...like my woman hood was being questioned. And I slipped into a depression that I even tried to deny to myself. That is so weird to type out loud.
Well, my mourning is over and it's time to get back to life. I can't say that the "depression" has subsided; just more manageable. I guess the saying is true that it's all about choices. I can chose to be happy with what I have, learn to live and smile, and laugh (with out force) or I can continue to waste space. And seriously...wasting space is totally over rated! :O)
Merry Christmas everyone.
Wow, Tori, I can only imagine how that news would throw you. And that loss of a possibility definitely deserves a mourning period. Yes, we can choose to be happy and make the most of things, but we can also give ourselves time to be sad over things that ARE sad. I'm glad you're feeling better now and hope 2013 is a wonderful year for you.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas, my friend!