Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Still no unicorns or rainbows...

I am often consumed with "what if"; "I'm not doing enough"; "I must pray harder/better/more consistently". It's pretty exhausting. I can't change the past; only work towards a happier future. But even that is daunting. We don't really have any control over things, we can only do the best that we can.  But how do we know we are doing the best that we can? Who tells us? Does it really matter (I mean seriously, if we have no control over outcomes) if we are doing our best. 

There is a saying going around that "we can only do what we can do". Sometimes this feels like being a sell out; sometimes it's a means to survival. A lot of times at work I'm in survival mode. I work for the government and we ALL know how the government works: slow and not always making sense. You do what your told and the rules/guidelines change just as soon as you've drilled the "old" change into your head.  

Maybe life is about survival and doing what you can, when you can.  I do understand that in order to succeed you must learn from your mistakes and let go of the past. I'm pretty good at learning from my mistakes (except when it comes to bad eating habits) but the letting go of the past is a double edge sword.  There are some things in the past that are hard to let go (negative feedback from those of who are tasked with teaching/molding your lil ole brain); some things slip away so easily (my mothers laugh/talk). I didn't want to forget my moms voice but I am grateful that I can still see her smile in my mind. I wish I could talk to her, ask her silly lil questions like "was marriage all you had hoped?" "Would you have changed anything?" "How am I doing? Did I turn out like you had hoped?" Mom didn't get to see me marry; she didn't get to see her son marry; she didn't get to see (or hold) her grandbabies. Folks (sometimes even me) like to say that our loved ones in heaven are always keeping an eye on us. But what if she's busy? We really have NO idea what heaven is like and what they do there. Or do we? Did I miss the memo? Did I fall asleep during that sermon?

I had a dream the other week that I was in a dark, empty house. I was talking to someone and remember hearing "your dad went to live with your mom." I took that to mean that dad is ok and has met up with mom in heaven....sure did take him long enough!! :O) Almost 4 months after he passed and I have the dream that he's there. I wonder if he was in a holding area answering questions? Like an intake interview...

I think of my dad often. Many times I'll hear a song and say "hey dad, how are you?"...there's no sadness really when I think or talk to dad. Before he passed we were able to mend our fences and enjoy our time together. LOL many times he'd laugh and say "the apple sure doesn't fall far from the tree" after I'd respond to something or I'd do something that is "so him".  We are very much a like and I wouldn't change it. But mom's departure, I wasn't so lucky. So many things left unsaid, so many things not yet learned. A promise I was unable to keep for her. A promise I didn't know how to fulfill for her.

Still no unicorns and rainbows...

Monday, August 4, 2014

Not all Unicorns and Rainbows

Some days are just easier than others.  I kind of hate that expression though...why can't they all be a lil easier!? Why does "everything" have to be such a challenge? I know no one said it would be easy but I don't recall anyone EVER saying it would be so challenging. 

I've REALLY been struggling with my mood lately.  Well, If I want to be truthful, I've always struggled with my moods; it's only been lately that I've been making a conscious effort to curb any moody outbursts (ie spewing profanity because "things" aren't going how "I" think they should).  Some of curbing it (moodiness) IS mind over matter but I'm noticing that some of the moodiness is an undefinable sadness. Life happens. We all experience "sad" (sometimes down right gut wrenching) events. But how we each bounce back, or in what amount of time, is sometimes different. And that kind of frustrates me. Right now I have a few folks close to me going through the "grieving" process.  Rightfully so of course; losing a spouse is life changing.  So is losing a father and someone who was like a brother to you. But I have to remember "this" (grieving?) isn't a tit for tat. I also have to remember that they need to grieve and on their terms.  But some of the things being done during their grieving process is hurting my heart. And I struggle cuz I don't know what God wants me to learn from this. Surely they realize that I'm grieving too. Surely they too understand that I've lost two loved ones in less than 6 months. But again; we all grieve differently.

I know when my mom died it took a LONG time for me to get my head out of my ass and focus on "Life". I'm not even sure when I started removing my head from my ass but I do remember the 1st two years were the pure hell.  When Scott died in November I was angry.  Scott was like a brother to me; even helped teach me how to drive. He was a family friend and was one of the first to extend his support when we found out dad was sick.  But he himself was struggling with issues, didn't heed my warnings, and ultimately has put his wife under unjustified stress/pain.  I LOVE his wife and have tried to support her best I can.  I try and cut her some slack because of how I was after my mom died but I'm struggling because she just doesn't get it that his death was NOT her fault.  

It's so sad when we take it upon ourselves to hold ourselves accountable for someone else's actions.  If I've learned nothing else in the last year I have learned that life is short. Forgive yourself of YOUR errors; apologize to others if necessary; move on. I can NOT afford to hold myself accountable for someone else's actions.  I make enough of my own mistakes I don't need to harbor someone else's mistakes too! And no matter how challenging life can be, I want to LIVE. I want to experience happy events. I want to dream and expand my horizons.  I know that what lies ahead isn't all "unicorns and rainbows" but neither was the past and I survived just fine!