Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Still no unicorns or rainbows...

I am often consumed with "what if"; "I'm not doing enough"; "I must pray harder/better/more consistently". It's pretty exhausting. I can't change the past; only work towards a happier future. But even that is daunting. We don't really have any control over things, we can only do the best that we can.  But how do we know we are doing the best that we can? Who tells us? Does it really matter (I mean seriously, if we have no control over outcomes) if we are doing our best. 

There is a saying going around that "we can only do what we can do". Sometimes this feels like being a sell out; sometimes it's a means to survival. A lot of times at work I'm in survival mode. I work for the government and we ALL know how the government works: slow and not always making sense. You do what your told and the rules/guidelines change just as soon as you've drilled the "old" change into your head.  

Maybe life is about survival and doing what you can, when you can.  I do understand that in order to succeed you must learn from your mistakes and let go of the past. I'm pretty good at learning from my mistakes (except when it comes to bad eating habits) but the letting go of the past is a double edge sword.  There are some things in the past that are hard to let go (negative feedback from those of who are tasked with teaching/molding your lil ole brain); some things slip away so easily (my mothers laugh/talk). I didn't want to forget my moms voice but I am grateful that I can still see her smile in my mind. I wish I could talk to her, ask her silly lil questions like "was marriage all you had hoped?" "Would you have changed anything?" "How am I doing? Did I turn out like you had hoped?" Mom didn't get to see me marry; she didn't get to see her son marry; she didn't get to see (or hold) her grandbabies. Folks (sometimes even me) like to say that our loved ones in heaven are always keeping an eye on us. But what if she's busy? We really have NO idea what heaven is like and what they do there. Or do we? Did I miss the memo? Did I fall asleep during that sermon?

I had a dream the other week that I was in a dark, empty house. I was talking to someone and remember hearing "your dad went to live with your mom." I took that to mean that dad is ok and has met up with mom in heaven....sure did take him long enough!! :O) Almost 4 months after he passed and I have the dream that he's there. I wonder if he was in a holding area answering questions? Like an intake interview...

I think of my dad often. Many times I'll hear a song and say "hey dad, how are you?"...there's no sadness really when I think or talk to dad. Before he passed we were able to mend our fences and enjoy our time together. LOL many times he'd laugh and say "the apple sure doesn't fall far from the tree" after I'd respond to something or I'd do something that is "so him".  We are very much a like and I wouldn't change it. But mom's departure, I wasn't so lucky. So many things left unsaid, so many things not yet learned. A promise I was unable to keep for her. A promise I didn't know how to fulfill for her.

Still no unicorns and rainbows...

1 comment:

  1. I've still got my mom, but I lost my dad when I was 20. He only met one of my kids and never got to meet my second (keeper) husband, so I know what you're talking about there.

    And hey, we're all a work in progress, and like you said, "things not YET learned". That just means you have plenty still ahead of you.