Some days are just easier than others. I kind of hate that expression though...why can't they all be a lil easier!? Why does "everything" have to be such a challenge? I know no one said it would be easy but I don't recall anyone EVER saying it would be so challenging.
I've REALLY been struggling with my mood lately. Well, If I want to be truthful, I've always struggled with my moods; it's only been lately that I've been making a conscious effort to curb any moody outbursts (ie spewing profanity because "things" aren't going how "I" think they should). Some of curbing it (moodiness) IS mind over matter but I'm noticing that some of the moodiness is an undefinable sadness. Life happens. We all experience "sad" (sometimes down right gut wrenching) events. But how we each bounce back, or in what amount of time, is sometimes different. And that kind of frustrates me. Right now I have a few folks close to me going through the "grieving" process. Rightfully so of course; losing a spouse is life changing. So is losing a father and someone who was like a brother to you. But I have to remember "this" (grieving?) isn't a tit for tat. I also have to remember that they need to grieve and on their terms. But some of the things being done during their grieving process is hurting my heart. And I struggle cuz I don't know what God wants me to learn from this. Surely they realize that I'm grieving too. Surely they too understand that I've lost two loved ones in less than 6 months. But again; we all grieve differently.
I know when my mom died it took a LONG time for me to get my head out of my ass and focus on "Life". I'm not even sure when I started removing my head from my ass but I do remember the 1st two years were the pure hell. When Scott died in November I was angry. Scott was like a brother to me; even helped teach me how to drive. He was a family friend and was one of the first to extend his support when we found out dad was sick. But he himself was struggling with issues, didn't heed my warnings, and ultimately has put his wife under unjustified stress/pain. I LOVE his wife and have tried to support her best I can. I try and cut her some slack because of how I was after my mom died but I'm struggling because she just doesn't get it that his death was NOT her fault.
It's so sad when we take it upon ourselves to hold ourselves accountable for someone else's actions. If I've learned nothing else in the last year I have learned that life is short. Forgive yourself of YOUR errors; apologize to others if necessary; move on. I can NOT afford to hold myself accountable for someone else's actions. I make enough of my own mistakes I don't need to harbor someone else's mistakes too! And no matter how challenging life can be, I want to LIVE. I want to experience happy events. I want to dream and expand my horizons. I know that what lies ahead isn't all "unicorns and rainbows" but neither was the past and I survived just fine!