Today I went with my father and mama #2 to dads appointment. Up until today we really didn't know what the 'plan was' to rid dad of his lung cancer because not all the test results were in... There was the suspicion that the cancer had spread to his liver and brain as well. Well the cancer has not made it to his brain but the cancer in his liver is stage 4...and because its stage 4 in the liver they can not operate on the lung as originally discussed by the lung doctor. The oncology DR said that operating on anything is not an option and may never be an option. I wouldn't say that this doctor is optimistic about treatment either. Just that its the only option right now. While I feel sad for my father I feel more sadness for mama #2. She will possibly lose her husband much sooner than anticipated and feels as if she must hold together her emotions in an attempt to keep his spirits up. The weight of the world, i assume, is on her shoulders. I truly pray for mercy; pray for as little suffering as possible. No one deserves to suffer. No one.
As for me and my feelings; I don't know. I am powerless as to what the future holds. I cannot control nor do i have input. If i could/did my brother and father would not be at odds and would have a strong relationship. And as long as I don't talk out loud, as long as I pretend 'all is well' I won't cry. And if I don't cry I won't feel sorrow, I won't binge, I won't smoke, I won't get drunk. All of which I wouldn't mind doing right now.