Monday, June 17, 2013

Where do we go from here...

July 15th will mark 18 years since my mother passed away from ovarian cancer.  I remember when I first found out she had the cancer that I really didn't know how to feel. I'd never experienced the death of someone so close before and things just seemed like 'this really isn't happening is it?' At the end I understood that I didn't want her to suffer any longer. 

Today I went with my father and mama #2 to dads appointment. Up until today we really didn't know what the 'plan was' to rid dad of his lung cancer because not all the test results were in... There was the suspicion that the cancer had spread to his liver and brain as well. Well the cancer has not made it to his brain but the cancer in his liver is stage 4...and because its stage 4 in the liver they can not operate on the lung as originally discussed by the lung doctor. The oncology DR said that operating on anything is not an option and may never be an option. I wouldn't say that this doctor is optimistic about treatment either. Just that its the only option right now. While I feel sad for my father I feel more sadness for mama #2. She will possibly lose her husband much sooner than anticipated and feels as if she must hold together her emotions in an attempt to keep his spirits up. The weight of the world, i assume, is on her shoulders. I truly pray for mercy; pray for as little suffering as possible. No one deserves to suffer. No one. 

As for me and my feelings; I don't know. I am powerless as to what the future holds. I cannot control nor do i have input. If i could/did my brother and father would not be at odds and would have a strong relationship. And as long as I don't talk out loud, as long as I pretend 'all is well' I won't cry. And if I don't cry I won't feel sorrow, I won't binge, I won't smoke, I won't get drunk. All of which I wouldn't mind doing right now. 


  1. If only walking and running was as immediately soothing as all the things we instinctively lean to under stress. I'm very sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis, and I'm sure you're right about h

    1. @kategeisen so true-wish running and walking were an immediate option, it would be a lot more satisfying!

  2. difficult this will be for his wife. It's a lot to handle for everyone in your life. I'll keep you guys in my prayers, and if I see you in person I'll smile and pretend everything is fine unless you want to talk otherwise

  3. my prayers are with your dad (and you) darling, I went through it with my aunt and grandma so I know how difficult it is. was this a specialist because whatever the worst case scenario you need a dr with a positive outlook. I've heard good things about cancer treatment centers mayhaps that's an option. just know that you'll be ok and you're not alone in dealing with this...........and if it gets too much don't keep it bottled up I HIGHLY recommend going out in the middle of know where and screaming and shrieking til you let it all out. running until you're exhausted and collapsing could also work. and please feel free to email me to rant and rave if you need to. sometimes just saying it helps.

  4. @timothy thank you. I can't really say the dr has a positive out look on the situation only that his attitude is 'what halve we got to lose for trying?'

  5. I'm so sorry about your father's diagnosis. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.