Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I’m rather focused on my life lately...

…not talking out loud kind, just the doing kind of focused. I’ve updated my bills for a clear visual of the extent of my juvenileness, done an outline of a budget to see where I can make adjustments, and started journaling all the funds I spend and how it was spent. The urge to “throw caution to the wind” and go on a spending spree isn’t there (despite good ole Satan throwing temptation my way). I’ve got a general idea of how I plan on accomplishing my financial goals and will have everything hammered out by my birthday (July 8th). I’m feeling really mature and grown up; like I can REALLY do this without feeling deprived. Just like my journey to a slimmer, healthier me. It’s all about lifestyle changes….about portion control…about discipline. It’s incredible how you can use one theory for various situations in your life. All I had to do was open my eyes and shut down the static in my brain.

So the “Journey to a New Me” continues into this New Year (a new year to me starts on my birthday) and I will continue to work on changing my mind, body, and soul. This year though the main focus will be on my financial well being. Oh don’t worry, I’ll still be working on my body image; I’ll still work on being emotionally grounded (Is that possible?); I will still work on strengthening my mind. But my mind and soul will be much “lighter” if I learn to not turn to shopping for healing. Just like my mind and soul has healed by learning not to turn to food. LOL, and my savings account will look better too if I learn to not turn shopping to heal my aches. It’s going to be a WONDERFUL YEAR. I just know it.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Just like new....

The sun is FINALLY OUT!!! Thank you Lord! I was getting a serious case of the crabbies. By the way…to everyone on my “worth the read list” I AM reading your blogs…I just can’t seem to post a response on all of them. I think blogger hates me…sometimes I can comment, sometimes not so much. For whatever reason it doesn’t always recognize that I am logged in to blogger. SOMETIMEs I have to post incognito..stealth like…Under just tori but no picture icon that easily let’s you know just who Tori is.

The weather this last week has be incredible. It’s amazing how much better one feels when the weather is nice (warm but not too warm, cool but not too cool, and air quality is AMAZING TOO-I can breathe without a boat load of allergy meds!). I’ve even been inspired to exercise a few days this last week. Hell, the DOG even felt inspired to exercise!

Looking at my June bucket list I see that I’m slacking a lil. I did host a birthday party for the hubs (who also chose to be sick that day) and finished reading one of my books. But I haven’t done any 5ks…and I’ve got a week to get 3 5k’s in! I’ll be working on the border this weekend…hopefully the hubs will get some paint for his room while I’m doing that! The grizzlies game and new local attraction isn’t gonna pan out. I’ve got too much to get done in this next week and besides…I was “inspired” to really look at my budget….which there wasn’t really one and now there is. I’ve opted to stop spending so much money and pay off a few things before any big purchases (like a new car or vacation).

I’m not doing bad on the weight loss front. I’m still losing (ever so slowly) and I REALLY love how I’m beginning to look. I also LOVE how I feel and how my confidence is making a return. I’m taking a cue for Timothy on focusing on me and removing myself from outer drama. And I refuse to feel bad about it (besides I don’t see/hear anyone feeling guilty for not working the road both ways as it pertains to seeing more of myself and my husband). I am feeling so much better since my last post that I’ve started on my “motivational/emotional goal setting” calendar. I’m using in part information provided by The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and idea/theme provided by the Weight Watcher monthly motivational hand out. It’s a Calendar with one new “goal” each week. Part way through some of the weeks (ones that I feel may be more trying) I have typed lil “pick me ups” focused on helping me achieve these goals. At the beginning of the month I have found a quote that gives an “overall” inspiration to the final desired, outcome of the month. These calendars will be mainly for mental/emotional goals I’d like to obtain/reach. Make sense? If not no biggie..I know I’m aiming for!! :O)

A look at what's to come in July....

Monday, June 20, 2011

I have not been my biggest cheerleader.

Honestly, I have not been giving ANYTHING my all (ok maybe one thing-tracking but nothing else). I've not even been my normal "be your own cheerleader" self. I've just been coasting along, tracking EVERYTHING I eat, going way over my weekly points and not really giving a hoot. To say that I don't care is a lie; obviously I care if I'm writing it here.

The last couple of weeks I started feeling "sluggish"...blamed it on the weather and my allergies in the beginning. But last week I realized that the sluggishness I've been feeling is due to lack of activity-real activity.  It's amazing what you realize once you get your head out of your rump!! While walking the dog Thursday I ran into a neighbor, who was feeling the same sluggishness as I am and we set a date to go to her gym for Saturday. What a great great feeling.  I walked on the treadmill (it's amazing how quickly the "joggin" leaves the body when you haven't done it in so long) and did some weights. I'm a bit sad because I can't afford a gym membership right now. I have to get some other bills paid before making that investment (again). While at the gym I saw a sign that stated "free membership if you paint the pool for us". Needless to say, I'm looking into it.  I'm close to saying I'll clean shitters for a free membership!!

Since this is MY blog, MY live journal I'm going to be open about things that are weighing me down right now. If you can't handle deep emotions you might want to stop reading now. I've got some "baggage" to get off my ample chest.

I have anger issues as well as forgiveness issues, oh hell lets add trust too.  All of which I keep internal. Granted I am human and a time or two these "emotions" have escaped my but for the majority I have awesome control.  To look at me you may not guess that those are the emotions that run through my veins. To look at me you would probably guess that I'm a very serious person who rarely smiles. Smiling does NOT come easy; often times my heart brain has to tell my heart "it's ok, you can smile." Anyhow...I had a flashback recently. I HATE flashbacks. I work incredibly hard to keep a lid on the past. However again, I am human and recently the demon escaped. It's been building since Christmas when the abuser behaved rudely to my husband, then snarled at the mention of his name, and continues to be an incredible dick. I'm tired of attempting to cut him some slack with excuses (such as his childhood was rough, he wasn't given the proper tools to be a better father, he was in Vietnam and experienced so much) and wish I could just cut ties without guilt. I don't want this man in my life. I haven't wanted him in my life for as long as I remember. The first few years of "adulthood" I was able to keep great distance between us but since my mother died (1995) I've felt a "duty" to once again "sweep his ignorance" under the rug in an attempt to "keep the family together". What a bunch of hogwash! This relationship is SOOOOO toxic and I get panicky just thinking of having to go for a visit. The only reason (I think) that I keep contact is that my step mom is pretty amazing.  Some days he is on good behavior, other days it's nails on the chalk board. His disposition is so unpredictable. Honestly I wonder if there isn't some medical condition that has "made" him the way he is but not to sound harse; that isn't my problem. He would NEVER consider seeking medical help even if he were to acknowledge there were an issue. Once when I told him I was seeing a dr he told me I wasn't praying hard enough. I really don't know what I hope to accomplish by writing this. Maybe the heavens will open up and clue me in on what I should do. I just want to walk away. To add salt to the wound (IMO) is that my step moms and her family are always saying "wish you would visit more often? why don't you come up for a "cousins" weekend?" I've started replying that the road works two ways and that I would love to have visitors come see me (even if it were to just have lunch when they are on there way through MY area to their YEARLY vacation spot)."

Oh's ALL good. I have faith that things (life) will be alright. I have faith that I will continue to draw strength from the trying times.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


Sometimes I just wish that I were a lil more "worldly" rather than a lil more "motherly".

"Wordly" ones seem to be experiencing life for themselves while "Motherly" ones always seem to be doing something for someone else .

Don't get wrong-there is nothing wrong with "motherly"- I just feel like I've ALWAYS been doing for others. It's my turn.

Sometimes I just wish I were a lil more "versed" (thoroughly knowledgeable, skilled) rather than a lil more "tersed" (Brief and to the point; effectively concise: a terse one-word answer).

Being a lil more "versed" might make the "tersed" that comes out of my mouth a lil softer on the ears!

Sometimes I just wish I were a lil more "grounded" rather than "rounded".

Being a lil more "grounded" might make the journey to being a lil less "rounded" a lil more peaceful, exciting, and or less emotionally charged.

Sometimes I just wish I were a lil more accepting of myself as I am of others.

No one is perfect, no one will ever be perfect, not even me. 


Move on...

Oh, and don't forget to smile! :O)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

BYOC...Bring Your Own Crazy --two days late!! :O)

It’s Friday so that means it’s BYOC day – Bring Your Own Crazy….to five questions we all answer in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blog brains a break! Copy and paste to your own blog and ENJOY!

1. How and why did you first start blogging? And how long have you been blogging?

I had started blogging many many years ago (like early 2000-2001) and kept it going for a few months. But then I made the mistake of letting my father know the link and felt like I couldn't write anything without being critiqued and continually corrected for my writing. Took all the fun and therapy out of it so I stopped. Then in December of 2009 I decided I needed a place to write openly, an outlet of sorts to release the feelings in side me so that I could grow and heal and become a healthier individual. My journey in bloggy land has been wonderful and I've been doing it ever since.
2. Tell me about your perfect mate – if you could invent him/her?

There is no such thing as perfect so there is no point in "inventing" him. While I do have a fabulously wonderful husband-he is far from perfect! :O)

3. Do you wear fake eyelashes? Do you want to? Do you use glue or self-stick ones? Do you like how they look?

I would love to wear fake eyelashes but I don't know how to put them on. Thankfully my real lashes "aren't" bad but I would love to have some longer fuller lashes!

4. Let’s say money was no object and neither was time off to recover – are you an advocate of plastic surgery after weight loss?

I have no objections to plastic surgery, especially after weight loss, as long as it is well thought out and not done to make you look "unnatural". I have considered plastic surgery after getting to my ideal weight (and staying there) for my boobs. I've ALWAYS had large boobs but they used to seem "perkier". After gaining too much weight and getting a lil older then losing some weight they seem to be drooping. I don't like drooping. But I don't know....I'm not at that point yet...

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Blog Land: It's been slow going. I've been reading blogs but not writing posts of my own (nor responding to many posts that I read). Things just seem to be soooo busy and when I think of something I'd like to write it's normally as I'm drifting off to sleep (like I was going to write a post about the fact "isn't it funny that we have no problem wearing clothes that are too tight on us but if they are too loose we want to go shopping for a better fit!!").

Real Life: has been crazy. The hubs went out of town for a conference and I went out and enjoyed myself with some friends. Which laid me up for a couple of days recuperating. I'm just now feeling normal.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

When I'm bad...I'm REALLY BAD!

You know..I wasn't feeling guilty until after I was done eating dinner tonight and calculated my points for the dinner. Then I realized that even though Tuesdays are my "start over" days (ie I get all my weekly points re-filled) I have 10 weekly ww points left for the week thanks to my bad choice (ie eating the entire "sac" of fries from white castle) after a really bad lunch choice (Five guys order of fries). I have 6 days left. Sure I can do it but gesh why!!?? ugh.

Then I started thinking about the fact that I've been bad and have not dedicated ANY time for "real" exercise (ie dedicated exercise; ie treadmill, trail running, speed walking). Sure I've done some "exercising"...if you consider speed mowing some exercising. Or the 100 bricks I loaded onto the cart, into the car, and then into the garage.  I've also been doing a moderate amount of slow paced walking. But I told the hubs I'd better reintroduce myself to the treadmill and get to it if I want any more points during any week. I'm interested to see how THAT goes (reintroducing myself to the treadmill because I will use more's all a matter of whether or not I stay in the green or move to the red).

And the heat. The bad excuse I used as to why I didn't need to do anything real.  I mean it is hot (really f'in hot-the other Midwestern bloggers can vouch for this) but really-it's a bad excuse-a lil sweat before the sun comes up or after teh sun goes down wouldn't have hurt me. My actions (or lack there of) for taking care of my body would lead you to believe I'm not so smart. or not so motivated. or not so dedicated. But I'm all of those (and more).

No I'm not whining or looking for sympathy-just getting set to suck it up. It's ok to splurge or slack but making a habit of it is not an option. No...I really haven't been slacking THAT much but enough to be a gentle reminder to get off the couch and put one foot in front of the other. The slacking has caused my PMS like symptoms to resurface more frequently-another reminder to get off the couch.

So here's to tonight's jaunt sense waiting until tomorrow...why put off till tomorrow what can be done today. Right?

Friday, June 3, 2011

BYOC Friday ~ Bring your own Crazy !

It’s FRIDAY – which means it’s BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy…around these parts. We answer a couple of questions to get to know each other better and to give our blog brains a break. Copy and paste to your own blog if you so desire…and ENJOY!!

1. If you could pick any name on Earth for yourself – would you change yours and what would it be?

My mom had originally wanted to name me Veronica and I wish she had. She was afraid though that people would call me Roni for short (which I think is cool) and didn’t’ want that. So although I like my name (especially my nick name) I wouldn’t mind being called Veronica or Roni for short!

2. If you’re a worker-outer…what time do you partake in such activities? There are SO many theories about when it’s best and not best to work out….like the morning is better since you have an empty stomach or the night is not good because you won’t be able to sleep…etc, etc. – so I’d like to hear your theories.

I’d like to be a “routine” “consistent” worker-outer but I’m not. When I do work out, at least during the week, I prefer to do so early in the morning. Working out in the morning energizes me and gives me that extra pep needed to make it through the whole day. If I didn’t have to work (ha ha) I’d just work out when ever, like on the weekends. On the weekends I tend to work out mid day. I've heard the theory that working out first thing energizes you for the whole day and tend to agree...but I am also of the theory that you should listen to your body and work out when your body is "warmed up".

3. If you drive a car – what kind is it and if you could drive any car – what would it be?

Right now I drive a Pt Cruiser. I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. And when I can’t drive it any more (it’s got about 70,000 miles on it now) I want to get the soon to be released Ford C-Max 5+2. The Ford C-Max 5+2 is like a mini van meets station wagon kind of car. Me and the boys need more room for traveling (that and they want to be able to look out the windows easier!). Plus, when we aren’t traveling with the boys we’re traveling with the in-laws and it’s nice to have leg/body room!

4. Can you be totally honest in answering this next question and tell me what you think of tattoos? More importantly – what do you think of the people who have tattoos – specifically women?

Yes, I can be totally honest about tattoos-I have 4 of them. I’d have more if money were more abundant. But tattoos aren’t for everyone and I do feel (personally speaking) that some folks have too many (or that some of them didn’t think before getting tattooed). Again, it’s just a personal opinion. I prefer that tattoos not to be on the neck, hands, head, face area. This is for all people not just women. I think tattoos on women can be sexy and I think that most folks who get tattoos are interesting, expressive individuals. There’s normally always a story behind a tattoo (other than “I thought it’d be cool.”).

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

I haven't been online much this week to read many blogs. I am glad to see the commenting issues I was having last week seemed to have subsided. I’ve been pretty busy at work and with the warmer weather I’ve been getting some much needed work done outside. Real life has been productive (planted some shrubs, placed some pavers, pulled up some timbers, mowed, purged items and donated them to VVA. I also helped swap out a faucet) and we are excitedly awaiting Frankie Malone’s appearance at our house.