Monday, June 20, 2011

I have not been my biggest cheerleader.

Honestly, I have not been giving ANYTHING my all (ok maybe one thing-tracking but nothing else). I've not even been my normal "be your own cheerleader" self. I've just been coasting along, tracking EVERYTHING I eat, going way over my weekly points and not really giving a hoot. To say that I don't care is a lie; obviously I care if I'm writing it here.

The last couple of weeks I started feeling "sluggish"...blamed it on the weather and my allergies in the beginning. But last week I realized that the sluggishness I've been feeling is due to lack of activity-real activity.  It's amazing what you realize once you get your head out of your rump!! While walking the dog Thursday I ran into a neighbor, who was feeling the same sluggishness as I am and we set a date to go to her gym for Saturday. What a great great feeling.  I walked on the treadmill (it's amazing how quickly the "joggin" leaves the body when you haven't done it in so long) and did some weights. I'm a bit sad because I can't afford a gym membership right now. I have to get some other bills paid before making that investment (again). While at the gym I saw a sign that stated "free membership if you paint the pool for us". Needless to say, I'm looking into it.  I'm close to saying I'll clean shitters for a free membership!!

Since this is MY blog, MY live journal I'm going to be open about things that are weighing me down right now. If you can't handle deep emotions you might want to stop reading now. I've got some "baggage" to get off my ample chest.

I have anger issues as well as forgiveness issues, oh hell lets add trust too.  All of which I keep internal. Granted I am human and a time or two these "emotions" have escaped my but for the majority I have awesome control.  To look at me you may not guess that those are the emotions that run through my veins. To look at me you would probably guess that I'm a very serious person who rarely smiles. Smiling does NOT come easy; often times my heart brain has to tell my heart "it's ok, you can smile." Anyhow...I had a flashback recently. I HATE flashbacks. I work incredibly hard to keep a lid on the past. However again, I am human and recently the demon escaped. It's been building since Christmas when the abuser behaved rudely to my husband, then snarled at the mention of his name, and continues to be an incredible dick. I'm tired of attempting to cut him some slack with excuses (such as his childhood was rough, he wasn't given the proper tools to be a better father, he was in Vietnam and experienced so much) and wish I could just cut ties without guilt. I don't want this man in my life. I haven't wanted him in my life for as long as I remember. The first few years of "adulthood" I was able to keep great distance between us but since my mother died (1995) I've felt a "duty" to once again "sweep his ignorance" under the rug in an attempt to "keep the family together". What a bunch of hogwash! This relationship is SOOOOO toxic and I get panicky just thinking of having to go for a visit. The only reason (I think) that I keep contact is that my step mom is pretty amazing.  Some days he is on good behavior, other days it's nails on the chalk board. His disposition is so unpredictable. Honestly I wonder if there isn't some medical condition that has "made" him the way he is but not to sound harse; that isn't my problem. He would NEVER consider seeking medical help even if he were to acknowledge there were an issue. Once when I told him I was seeing a dr he told me I wasn't praying hard enough. I really don't know what I hope to accomplish by writing this. Maybe the heavens will open up and clue me in on what I should do. I just want to walk away. To add salt to the wound (IMO) is that my step moms and her family are always saying "wish you would visit more often? why don't you come up for a "cousins" weekend?" I've started replying that the road works two ways and that I would love to have visitors come see me (even if it were to just have lunch when they are on there way through MY area to their YEARLY vacation spot)."

Oh's ALL good. I have faith that things (life) will be alright. I have faith that I will continue to draw strength from the trying times.


  1. it's ok to let people go that don't enhance your life, oh i KNOW it's hard. being an orphan i tend to cling tightly to people/things long after their usefulness is gone. i'd talk to the stepmom and tell her you're not going to be around him anymore but you'd love to meet her occasionally (at a nuetral spot) for lunch or a walk ect. if she can't/won't do that then sadly you may just have to let it go/give it to God. loving yourself includes respecting yourself. and God helps those who help do what you need to do to honor yourself. those who truly love you will always be there and those who don't are leaves of a tree. sometimes you must "shed" the dead ones so new ones can emerge. good luck and i'll keep you in my prayers. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  2. I had a similar realization as you. This past week...well, you read about it...but Oh my gosh I was so crabby and STRESSED (didn't help that I was cramming a 4-month online class into 6 days...and now I have to do 2 more oh joy), felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. And I realized...I have hardly done ANYTHING. I deal so much better with stress and frustration when I take time--even a little time--to be active.

    I'm sorry that your relationship with your amazing step-mom's husband is so difficult. Especially when it sounds like you could have a great relationship with her and her family if it wasn't for his presence and the problems and pain he brings. I don't really have any advice, and I don't think you're necessarily asking for any. It sounds like you have made an awfully good life for yourself and he's ultimately a very unhappy person making other people unhappy too.

  3. I say it's your blog, write what you want :)

    Hang in there.