Wednesday, June 9, 2010

As requested....

all I can say today is OY! A sense of overwhelming is on the horizon waiting to suck me in. I am fighting it the best I can and thankfully haven't over induldged in excess food. Most of my food choices have been good BUT I have had a few beers a couple of nights this week. And there are sure to be a few more (just a few).

I could blame it on my upcoming 40th birthday but I thought I was excited about it. Guess the jury is still out. I could blame it on my husband, whose birthday is also coming up (he'll be 39-hee hee I married a younger guy!!), because he is so difficult to buy for. I could also blame this on my wonderful pug (who is an only dog) because he's been getting me/us up as early as 4 am these days. Then there is my job, which I truly love, that has been keeping my hopping and chasing my tail. There hasn't been a day recently that I haven't come home completely spent emotionally and mentally. Hell, I'm having difficulty writing this and that really isn't like me. I've always got something to say. Which brings the thought in my head that there in itself is the problem. In my world, the real one in which I must interact with others, I am often talked over. Do you ever feel like what you have to say doesn't matter? Do you ever begin to say something just to be cut off by someone who feels their message is more important to hear? I often do and it deflates me...makes me feel unworthy; as if I am to be seen and not heard. Which reminds me of my childhood.

Thinking of my childhood often brings mixed feelings. It was very hard. Talking with my family members is very hard. Losing a family member before "the mess has been cleaned up" is hard too. I only have one question left for my family members; "why did you let it happen?" The elders even act as if nothing ever bad happened. Like a dager in my heart (and soul I might add) is that the worst of the offenders has "found God" and acts as if they are the Christian of all Christians. They talk the talk real good. Please don't misunderstand, I do believe in God. I don't blame God for my childhood; I just have a hard time swallowing messages from people who have "all the sudden" found God. This family member toughts about God and all his mercy and how others will go to hell for the "errors of their ways" if they don't change. After all this family member has done to destroy our family they have a right to be judge and jury of others and their choices? No-they don't. We EACH will have to answer to God for our own choices not the choices of others. This person has never apologized for their misdeeds and meant it. Have they apologized? Yes. But the next day they turned around and said how much I wanted it too. How the hell did I want it too? Children don't "ask" for it and they certainly don't welcome it with open arms. Children do what they are told.

It is my opinion that if you do something wrong-apologize and mean it not try and justify it or shift blame. And this is my baggage, my cross. This cross I bare is at times too much to bare. I am torn; do I stay or do I go? Their words are empty to me and I want nothing more than to turn and walk away. Their new family knows nothing of my cross and my family members misdeeds. They know that the family member is not perfect but that they are making an attempt at being a better person. But how Christian is that, to wash my hands of my family? What would God say if I walked away, finally after 40 years, without so much as a goodbye and good ridence? Turning my back on my own flesh and blood does bring some solace but would it solve anything? Would anything positive and productive come of it? I feel as if I am in prison when it comes to my family. I want to be free from "that". But the bind thats ties me holds tight. Which is something I will have to come to terms with.

Paraphrasing (or whatever) from a Tim McGraw song; I'll do it better in the next 30 years...

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