Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I had a mammogram if you're not up for griping keep going...thanks

No's no lie...I love being a woman. I love having to go to the dr's office yearly for a "female exam" (can you all handle the word pap smear?). Spread eagle on a nice cushy table, with a nice breeze that appears out of no where, waiting for a utensil obviously made by a man (sorry fella's) to be inserted. This lovely procedure last all but 15 minutes even though you spent 45 in the waiting room and 10 in the office itself (in a lovely gown) waiting for the physicians assistant to come in. Sadly, IMO, this procedure does not compare to the lovely procedure women over 40 (and some women prior to that age) have to endure yearly. Yes ladies, I am referring to the mammogram.

Who da BLEEP invented that machine to do this procedure? Way has the machine that does this procedure barely changed in 26 years? How do I know what the machine was like 26 years ago (1986 to be exact)? Because at an AFB in Central Illinois at the ripe age of 16, I got to stick my lovely, small at time ta ta's into a metal booby trap that squeezed the living sheet out of my chest! Ugh. Now and days it's a plastic do hickey; two flat pieces that come mushing down. And if you're real smart like me you'll piss the tech off enough that she smashes a lil further than needed!

Am I making any sense? Sorry...let me slow it down. 1st off, I am not trying to scare anyone who has not had a mammogram into not getting one. Mammograms are needed and supposedly help detect breast cancer sooner. Sooner is better (IMO). Some woman (like myself) who have a family history of cancer (ovarian as well, not just breast cancer) are asked (by their doctors) to get screened sooner than 40 but not as frequent. But once you hit 40 you are asked to get them yearly. As you know, I turned 40 recently. I was attempting to put off this lovely procedure. But then my friend Malinda, who postponed her mammogram due in part to insurance, was force to go to the dr due to pain in the breasts and was informed a couple of weeks ago she has breast cancer. She had her mastectomy today. Her experience prompted me to have mine done and it was not fun. I kept telling myself "better to catch it early; better to catch it early; I'm gonna punch this bimbo; it's not her fault she didn't make the machine; better to catch it early." I did get a lovely pamplet out of the visit (smile). If you'd like I'll scan it and post it. Oh and heard that...oh never mind...don't wanna scare you....

And so after the experience and couple tylenols later I wondered why in 26 years the machines had not advanced much. And if we are to be honest here, the "tools" for the southern invasion haven't changed much either (they warm them up now instead of inserting cold). My goodness that's sad...the years that is...that I've experienced 26 years of pap smears!! has come so far but yet we have to stick our ta ta's in this plastic contraption
posing as if we are playing twister (that's what pissed the tech off) to ensure that ONLY one ta ta at time is on the screen? Oh and if you FAT, not only are you playing twister but your oppisite side arm is over here while the hand closet to the ta ta being squished is lifting the other ta ta out of the way. I seriously don't get it. I'm a pretty smart cookie but this has gotten me stumped. Supposedly certain women with higher risk or already diagnosed lump get to have a MRI type screening...why can't all women have that? if an MRI is more detailed why not have everyone do it?

I'm not disgruntle about preventitive medicine and it's procedures...I'm just sayin....


  1. I'm not feeling that you really enjoy getting a mammogram... just a hunch tho! ;)


    PS - I hear they have digital machines now that don't squish ya... I hope it's not a rumor!

  2. Ugh... reminds me that my forty minutes in a drafty tissue-paper costume is coming up soon.

    "You're just going to feel a little pinch."

    Yeah, whatever, Dr. Man.

    Mammogram, slammogram. If my little ta-ta can squish so far across that plate, then I can't imagine what a large breast would be like. The plate would runneth over.

    Hope it turns out OK for your friend. I'll say a prayer for her.