Thankful for the time....

It's been a challenging year to say the least.  I'm not really complaining-I'm thankful for the time given;  but there's an emptiness that's not likely to fill anytime soon. I've grown tremendously as a person but I almost feel like the cost of learning those invaluable lessons was a bit too much.  But then again, ultimately God (Jesus) is the one who paid the biggest (?) price for lessons to be learned. BTW,  Please excuse grammatical errors, one part of my brain is trying to get my thoughts out onto the screen while the other is saying "ummm is that the right punctuation? (thank heavens for spell check though!!)"

Anyhow...this round of learning/growing started last May when pops was diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer. Even without "cancer" we all know our time will come when we leave this earth but add "cancer" to the equation and IMO, time is limited; very limited.  This is not my first rodeo going down the cancer road (mom passed in 1995 after a SHORT bought with Uterine Cancer) but dad was optimistic that he had "time" to do a few things that still needed being done. Only he knows if he got everything done he wanted to get done. I suspect that there is one thing he didn't get done.

I'm confident that I did everything that I could to make this last year the best I could for him. In the beginning I drove up to see him every other weekend.  I was mindful of my limitations (taking a short "break" from driving at the beginning of the year to recharge my batteries) but during that time I called him and emailed when he was able to get to the computer. If he wanted Tasty Kakes; he got Tasty Kakes. He wanted Lego's for Christmas; he got Lego's for Christmas. He wanted to see his son in law (who due to illness cannot travel well); he saw his son in law for Thanksgiving. Every three day weekend I had off from work (except for MLK) we went to the casino because that made him happy (took his mind off the cancer). I honestly haven't done this much driving since I was a young adult....well worth it though.

March 14th was his 69th birthday. The weeks before had been rough on him.  His chemo treatment had been changed sometime in Jan (because his cancer had responded nicely to the previous and he was on "maintenance" chemo).  He was starting to sleep a lot and just NOT feeling "it". On a Monday of our three day weekend together I got to visit the doctor with them and we found out his BP was REALLY low and he was dehydrated.  Mom (step but I call her mom) and I suspected he was dehydrated but had no clue about the BP.  The DR told him to stop taking his BP meds.  I remember that Monday well, there was a snow storm brewing.  The three weeks that followed that visit seemed to be a bit better and so for his birthday we went to the casino. Despite having to use a wheel chair he seemed to have had a good time....

anyhow (again)...pops passed away April 2nd. I was able to stay with him the night of the 1st, all day the 2nd, and tell him how much I loved and respected him as he took his final breathe that night.  I will never regret being in the room as he left the physical world. Whether or not it makes a difference to a persons soul as they leave for a better place, it makes a difference to me and I could NOT let him go without someone he loved from the physical world being there. Mom hated that she couldn't be there but she just couldn't let him go....her soulmate; her "everything".  That is probably the hardest part of all this for me.  Not once, but twice, in the last year two people I love lost their soulmate; their "everything".  I can't even imagine.  I don't even want to imagine even though I know a time will come when I could be in their shoes. Breaks my heart; leaves a hole that may not ever fill. Please don't misunderstand-I LOVE my father (the apple didn't fall from the tree). We are so alike in so many ways (and not all bad ha ha ha) but my love is much different than the spousal love.  Besides--I had him for 43 years where as my mom only had him for 18 ish.

I'm thankful for the time I had....and I'm thankful for the memories and lessons learn.

The real reason I like to work out and day 3 of 30 days 30 mins 3 goals

Ok...time for me to come clean.  The real reason I like to work out, I mean getting healthier and feeling better physically is a GREAT perk, but the real reason I like to work out is....I get to listen to my music and day dream about making it on the Voice.  I KNOW how silly that is BUT working out is really the ONLY time I get for ME. I can't talk to anyone on the phone (because it's in my purse), I can't walk the dogs (cuz they're at home) and I've come to realize/accept that hubs will be perfectly fine two nights a week with me bringing dinner home at 645.  It's kind of funny...but for right now I don't even CARE that I'm not being overly ambitious (ie pushing myself harder to go further and faster) because I'm totally diggin the toons.  and TODAY, today I branched out to not only listening to my toons but READING while listening and walking. I'm so friggin AMAZING! :O)

30 mins moderate physical activing-check.  31 mins on the treadmill; 3.2 mph; 2% incline

30 mins reading-check. 31 mins reading There's More to Life Than This (Theresa Caputo book) while on the treadmill.

30 mins meaningful writing/prayer/meditation-uncheck. I've only gotten 5mins in....still time before bed though....and I got to look up a scripture I saw earlier on 300poundsdown

TGIF folks TGIF

30 days, 30 mins, 3 goals-day 2

Ok...so...DAy 2 not so spectacular for achieving 30 mins at each goal.  But it's totally fine with me because I'm happy that I did a lil of each.

1) 30 mins moderate physical activity.  I managed to due 10 minutes.  I would LOVE to count dog walking (which I did two 30 min sessions) but they're pugs and don't walk real fast unless they see a squirrel or cat. Or another dog!

2) 30 mins reading.  I read 20 mins at my lunch which I TOTALLY loved. It was a nice break for the middle of the day.  I did spend about 20 mins reading blogs but the deal is 30 minutes straight.

3) 30 mins mindful writing/prayer/metitation.  this is the one I REALLY need to work harder at.  I only got 10 mins in today for this goal. but again, the quality of what I got in the 10 mins is PRICELESS!!  

xoxo

tori

30 days, 30 mins, 3 challenges

Holly over at 300 Pounds Down created her own "challenge"  (for a lack of better words) where she is working on x-number of small goals, for 30 mins a day, for 30 days.  I find it intriguing and thought that I would start a lil smaller (I think she is working on 5 things). I'm hoping that after 30 days at least one of the 3 goals will become a permanent/routine habit.

MY goals/challenges:

1)  30 minutes of moderate physical activity.  Walking, jogging, running, biking and or housework (yes housework-have you run a vacuum cleaner in a 1300 sq ft house? how about washed 9 windows (inside/outside)? how about the bathroom...I mean really CLEANED the bathroom?).

2)  30 minutes reading (non fiction, fiction, self help etc etc)-nothing special, just want to read to expand my mental horizons.

3)  30 minutes mindful writing, prayer, meditation.  Hard to explain this one but I'd like to explore my spirituality, I'd like to write more personal prayers (write more period LOL), and learn how to quiet my brain.  Sometimes I feel like the noise in my head NEVER shuts off...the only time it has gotten quiet has been when I've searched for special prayers for what's heavy on my heart at the moment. I feel like if I could meditate properly I could focus better on other goals (ie running, my job).

Today I haven't YET met my goals.  I biked for 20 mins today and haven't read more than a new article online about a rude woman who left a note under another hotel guests door blasting them for their baby's overnight crying.

But I'm not concerned...it's day one, I still have an hour left, and progress is progress!