I spend countless emotional hours evaluating (often second guessing things that I have done and how (maybe) I should have done them) my life. Every step I take, I take cautiously in an attempt for acceptance, in an attempt to not rock the boat, in an attempt to make someone else happy (because if everyone else is happy I too can be happy). Sadly, a lot of negative has come of this. A lot of self belittling and chastising. I never seem to do anything right and someone else is always mad. I can be pretty mean too. I don't take this meanness out on anyone else; just myself. I deserve it. Right? Because if their not happy I can't be happy. I am often so stressed out about this that I have forgotten how to enjoy myself.
Late last year, during one of my "countless emotional hours of evaluating", I realized that my health was suffering do to this stress. I didn't know why (big surprise right) I was so stressed (I mean seriously, aren't some of us here to make everyone else happy?) and decided that this year (2010) I would work on me. I bought a book called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin and began to read, highlight, take notes, make lists (FYI-I love lists). On one of my lists was that I wanted to start a writing a blog. Then one thing lead to another and I began to write about my journey (changing my mind (thinking healthier), body (eating healthier and exercise), and soul (cleaning my emotional closets). I'm meeting some great folks who inspire me to "be me". And that's how my "aha" moment started to surface. I love "aha" moments. Moments when the light switch flips on and everything becomes so clear. My aha is that I do deserve to be happy, I haven't done anything wrong. Yes, I've made mistakes but not mistakes that should have cost me my happiness. Yes I am different from others but different is good. Means we have things to offer each other that are outside of each others box.
Key point number one in my "aha" is that I should never have accepted that others happiness before mine was essential to MY happiness. Another key point is that I should never have accepted that I was NOT good enough to be happy. My ego is bruised and my self esteem in the toilet BUT I know that I can be fixed. How do I know? Because I was very happy today. It was such an euphoria. Sadly-I don't really know why. I don't know if it's my new twitter/blog pal (who has a great blog at http://katdoesdiets.blogspot.com/) or my 1st 1/2 marathon that is 10 days away. But I don't care...I'll take it....I DESERVE IT AND IT FEELS GREAT!!