Enjoying the process...even two and a half months later with a few "no go's"

Choosing happy is getting easier...sometimes a bit trying (like when my allergies are kickin my butt) but still easier.  

The "happy" feeling (which is hard to describe) fills me with hope, courage, and abundance.  I love catching myself smiling (and thinking "this feeling is great!"). On days that I find myself heading down the wrong path, I need only to look at my wrist and read my bracelets (one says "smile" and the other says "do one thing every day that makes YOU happy"). Each night I say my prayers and thank God for all the things I have, the choices I am able to make, and the people in my life. It really is "all about choices". I'm truly grateful.

I've had to step back from a few negative Nancy's; come to the conclusion that I have previously chosen to be a self sacrificer; and routinely remind myself that I do NOT have to control everything because it is impossible to control anything.  Learning to be a "go with the flow" person is hard but for me necessary.  I don't need to have five plans (a,b,c,d,e); a simple idea of what I want to accomplish is suitable.  The last two and half months I've accepted a lot about myself and I'm ok.  I've always known I am a Type A person. People have tried subconsciously to make me feel wrong for being Type A.  But I will no longer feel guilty for being "Totally Type A' (because seriously, without Type A people how would ANYTHING get done?).  I am learning to accept that not everyone is like me, thinks like me, sees the urgency in getting things done like me.  I have learned that I being a self sacrificer is thankless and disheartening. Two feelings I don't like feeling and refuse to feel anymore (I will no longer be a self sacrificer-any decisions I make are for me alone).  To be quite honest, other than the self sacrificing and always being emotionally charged bit of Type A, I love being a Type A. I love being/feeling organized. I love having lists/goals (I just have to cut myself slack if I don't obtain something on the list/goals). I love decisions/choices (I just don't love ALWAYS being the one to make the decisions and then having someone else say "It wasn't my decision-it was all you!").

Life is good. I have everything I need. I am happy with who I am and who I am becoming. 

If you're not learning, you're still not living!

LOL…I don’t know why I even bother creating elaborate lists of “things I’d like to accomplish” (like the 101 things to do in 1001 days).  Maybe I should just have a “generic” list and call it the “today this sounds like something I’d like to do but no pressure”. Or just have a “bucket list” with a disclaimer that “if you don’t achieve this it’s ok; just have fun with whatever you decide to do”. Oh well, whatever. I’m ok, it’s just a list. Life is full of endless possibilities for me.

 

I AM VERY grateful for the progress I am making with myself since the first of the year.  I decided this was the year to “happy healthy firm and confident”.  No, not firm as in “rock solid body” but firm as in “when I make a decision stand behind it; no apologies”.  I have a right to feel, I have a right to put me first, I have a right to be happy too!  I need to be confident in myself and firm in the decisions I make no matter what the projected outcome looks like. I know what’s best for me. 

Which brings me to the fact that I applied for a position in London UK. Secretly I’m ecstatic at the thought of working overseas for a few years. But I know that if I do get chosen for the position that a few hard decisions will need to be made that will affect more than just me. Whatever is meant to be will be; I have to keep FAITH that God hears my hearts’ desires just as he hears my fears.  He has always had my back…I’m very fortunate.

Ok back to the list….I will say that it has inspired me to be more active. I am a lil more flexible and I’m saying yes to things I wouldn’t normally do (the Sexy Back Chair dance class was SO MUCH FUN. I’m actually surprised at how much fun I had). But most of the “Profession Related” items are null and void.  I started taking a meditation class and the books I’ve been reading on “finding your passion” started sinking in and I finally admitted openly that I am not an “natural born sales person” and most importantly that I have no desire to learn how to be a sales person. I just want to be happy.  I want to be healthy. I want to enjoy life and pursue things that “feel natural”. Pimping products isn’t natural to me…artistic projects ARE natural to me.

Resisting the negative self talk...

is getting so much easier! I'll be honest with you...I had a 'hypnotherapy' session at the end of January. Per Wikipedia, Hypnotherapy is a form of psychotherapy used to create subconscious change in a patient in the form of new responses, thoughts, attitudes, behaviors or feelings. While many may (and will) poo-poo the process, I am ALWAYS open try different things. I don't like being stuck and SURELY there is something out there that will get me moving in the right direction. Sure it isn't "cheap" but neither is Weight Watchers, a monthly gym membership, or home work out equipment.  Of course, one useful hypnotherapy session is way cheaper than an unused membership.  Besides, if you plan it just right you will get a coupon like I did. Normally the cost is $99...

ANYHOW...

Hypnotherapy (like many other "wellness related options") is NOT a cure all and you will NOT wake up a "completely transformed" person. BUT I have noticed a HUGE, POSITIVE, difference. I left the session feeling peaceful, confident, like I COULD conquer my demons.  By the way, I didn't go to "lose weight" or "quit smoking". Like I told the guy-I know what I'm supposed to do to be successful at that. I know how to eat right; I know how to exercise; and I know how to not buy cigs. I just don't seem to have the umpfff; just can't seem to get my ass off the couch; can't seem to rid myself of doubt.  I said if I can "fix" that everything else will fall into place. 

It was money well spent. Negative Nancy seems to have left the building (I still have moments of disappointment but it isn't "internal disappointment" and I'm learning to not hold onto the "feelings" associated with the disappointment by using a positive self pep talk (ie "let it go; move on; not your monkey/not your circus") to lighten my mental state. I've noticed that I've been much more active (more yoga and walking) and less "oh I'll work out tomorrow".

As I sign off for the moment...I leave you with a lil "pug" mojo I'm learning to live by...

Peace and tranquility....

I feel like I'm in a really really good place right now. A sense of peace, a quiet determination, and the knowledge that as long as I do my very best I can be (relatively) happy.  I'm learning to forgive (& accept) myself for my imperfections and to be more empathetic/compassionate/understanding of others and their imperfections.  NO ONE IS PERFECT.  I know now (and have accepted) that I can't "be anything I want to be". Why? Because if you've heard me sing you know that I am NOT the next Katy Perry, Gwen Stefani, Pink or even Madonna. But just because I can't be a singer (or an actress or an incredible athlete who gets paid boo-coo bucks) like I wanted to be when I was a kid doesn't mean I can't be "something" respectable, admired, or maybe even idolized (although I don't think being idolized would be that great-too much pressure!!)....

My "101 things list" is proving to be a great thing for me to be doing. While I'm not "attacking it with a vengeance" it is ALWAYS in the back of my mind with the things I want to commit time to doing. The very first item on my list (Do something you wouldn't normally do) is becoming a recurring theme for me.  It seems as if when something presents itself that I've never done before, prior to "poo-pooing" it I read the details and make an informed decision on whether or not I should "seriously consider participating" (ie Why not? Is it harmful? What are the benefits). For example I found on Groupon a coupon for what appeared to be a new exercise class establishment. They offer classes like Stretch, Strengthen, and Tone; Self-Defense; Muffin Top Removal; and Sexy Back Chair Dance and while the classes seem "intimidating" I figured what the hell. Now to the part "I wouldn't normally do".  They offer group classes and private parties. I've opted to "play host" and organize a ladies night out (something I've never done nor ever volunteered for) for the Sexy Back Chair Dancing. We will get two hours of choreographed instructions, cd music and how to sheets to take home. It's going to be a lot of fun....as long as we get enough people to attend (March 21st 6pm to 9pm, BYO drinks/snacks, on the IL side, $20, hint hint hint...).  I've also been saying yes to things I typically would do anything to get out of (zumba, phone conversations over email, talking (listening actually) to a Jehovah Witness at my front door) in an attempt to harness my anxiety (by using positive self talk).

Have a great week and do the very best as you can...