too many options....what's best for me?

Completely at a loss.  I know what I’m supposed to do (eat healthier, be more active, shed excess weight-about 50lbs) but I don’t truly know how I want to get back at it. I have several great options available….

1.      Planet fitness (year plan is $99 (about 8.53mo); open 7 days a week; 30 mins from home; 5 mins from work)



2.      YMCA (13 week challenge for $200 offers weekly class (tues night) that teaches you specifics about food and requires tracking food/emotions; offers access to fabulous fitness ctr 7 days a week during that 13 week period; 10 mins from home; 30 mins from work)



3.      Weight Watchers ($42 mo/approx. (about $128 for 13 weeks); unlimited meetings; online tracking; weekly weigh ins; meetings are at various locations).



4.      Follow weight watchers at home ($0 since I know how the program works) and use treadmill at home.

I was really successful at weight loss utilizing Weight Watcher meetings (verse on my own).  I went into it with the attitude “I will give them 3 months to make me a believer.” I followed their program pretty close and in about 8 months lost 55lbs. A few months out of that time I used the YMCA fitness center. But I started thinking about money and how expensive it was all getting...about 75 a month…but I love to spend money elsewhere and things piled up so I stopped going to both stating that I could “do it on my own”. 47 lbs later here I am contemplating what to do….

Anyhow…back to deciding and soliciting opinions….

I know ALL of the programs work but which one should I choose.  I Like WW because it’s flexible and I can eat my own food choices (vs someone telling me what to eat) but I wasn’t so disciplined when I wasn’t going to the meetings. Planet fitness is a wonderful place (and damn such a great price) BUT I don’t like working out during my lunch and getting to it after work is sometimes a pain in the rear (I sat thru 3 lights one time before I could get to it) and of course I’m not driving 30 mins on the weekend to work out for 30 mins to an hour.  If money were of NO concern I would sign up for the YMCA (year membership is about $453) because the one of two locations is 5 mins from the house, opens at 530 am during the week….and if I took the class it would only be an extra $100.

The biggest thing here that I’m realizing…is that no matter what/how I choose to be more active, eat healthier, and lose 50lbs is that I need to put my mind into it “all in”.  Just like when I first went to WW….

What makes this time different?

Internally I've let my emotions (stress) get the best of me.  I'd say i'm tired of it but that's probably a lie. It's SO easy to take the easy way out of "things"...so easy to make excuses for doing what we know isn't "right" because we want instant gratificaiton.  and besides, I like crappy food and don't fully mind being lazy sometimes.  Crappy food is soooo much easier to open and shove down my pie hole than something a lil more healthy. It also seems a lil bit cheaper (short term at least) to eat crap than to fix a balanced meal or snack. Yes, I know, excuses excuses. I'm pretty good at making excuses.

I recently read a note from one of my dearest friends applauding me for my "ability to give a reality check when no one else had the balls to do so." At first it stung (do I REALLY want to be remembered for "being the dose of reality no one else wants to administer"?) but I quickly "reality checked" myself and decided "that's who I am" and I'm not ashamed. Is there a softer way of giving reality checks? Sure, probably, but I refuse to lie and have a hard time sugar coating things.  I'm a firm believer that you should look at "situations" from various angles, find the lesson, and find the positive in all things.  

so how does this all relate to stress, emotions, reality checks, and crappy food? I've been living unhealthy.  I've been (when none is watching) eating my way INTO a bag of cookies and right back out. I signed up for an expensive 5k and then blew it off (due to cold weather ha ha). And I've barely pried my fanny off the couch and away from Hallmark Channel. 

Still don't know how all this works together? Yeah me either but I believe in signs and I had a sign the other day. I saw on Facebook that the YMCA Edwardsville is hosting a 13 week weight loss challenge. I can stand to lose a few pounds and be a lil more active.  With the $200 non member fee comes a membership for the 13 weeks to their fitness center. I LOVE their fitness center. the class (which meets on Tuesdays) will talk about foods (carbs, proteins, vitamins, minerals, yada yada) and we will be required to keep a journal and I assume share it in class.  It sounds a lil better than weight watchers (because although I'm pretty versed in foods I could still use to learn more in depth about foods) but I'm hesitant. I've done ww's before with both success and failure.  I had a membership to planet fitness that I didn't use like I should have. I even own a treadmill that I rarely use. 

If I sign up for and pay this large amount of money for 13 weeks what will be different this time? What will make this time successful on various levels (mentally, emotionally, physically)? I don't want to pay the money and then not use the tools provided. But I know my track record.  What if the "teacher" of the class is a schmuck; dry, boring, snobby and makes me uncomfortable to the point that I stop going?  How can I not repeat unsuccessful attempts at being active and healthy (lost dietbets, signing up for a race and not showing up, paying for weight watchers and then not trackign/losing)?

Understanding the loss...

Everyone is going to die sometime....I know this.  But it's not supposed to be the way it happened.  God is the one that is supposed to choose the when, the how, maybe even the why. Not us. We are not God, we aren't suppose to have that power. But some folks feel the need, the desparation, to take that  power.

One of my very best friends, someone I've known for 34 years, commited suicide late Friday, early Saturday morning. My emotions are a bit scattered. First anger (how the fuck could he do this to Marie (his wife); how could he do this to US); then sorrow; then bewilderment; then anger, repeat.  We STILL had our whole lives in front of us; we still had so much to live for. Sure he was suffering from bodily pain; yes he had emotional pain as well. But I THOUGHT I had expressed to him how important he was, how loved he was by many, not just me. I THOUGHT he understood that life without him wasn't the answer, that by him leaving more hurt would come of it verse the peace he expressed. From the sounds of it, I am not the only one who attemtped to sway him to look at the positive. Oh, I forgot to mention the emotion of failure.  How could I let him down like I did. Why did I say the things I said as if I were a licensed therapist. I can be a fuckin moron sometimes.

The logical person in me, the person who has spent the last several years healing from her own pain, knows that I did the best I could under the circumstances. I love him with my whole heart but I have NO control over another human being; he/she is responsible for his/her own actions. But a very small part of me says "you could have done more"..."you should have called him instead of texting"...shoulda, woulda, coulda. Supposedly there is a note from him to me-I'm not sure how to handle that....I guess I will just have to take it all in stride. He was an amazing person, friend, brother. He was not a bad person, he just made a bad choice (IMO).

If you EVER feel that desperate please I beg you, seek help. There are options. The pain of losing a loved one is hard enough; attempting to understand a death by suicide is a WHOLE different ball game. So many unanswered questions, so many things left unsaid. Families robbed of your love and left with guilt (or more guilt depending on the dynamics) never given the chance to say a "real" good bye.

True or False?

found this blog post on "How big is your fear"....

Part of an article reads "If you're getting ready to get ready, you're just making excuse to protect yourself from the thing you fear most: not fear of failure but the fear of success."

and the article got me to thinking...I'm a type A person (trying to break loose) who typically has a plan a, b, and c.  I'm continuously in plan and preparation mode for health, exercise, and creating income selling advocare..."getting ready to be ready" as the author of the post (Randy Gage) mentions...

and then I got to thinking that I was on the phone with a friend earlier talking about what I want from Advocare and things I was doing to "get ready to be ready" to introduce Advocare to others and I mentioned that I'm "just not a wing it kind of person these days, I've got to prep and organize."

I probably know the answer this but, is there such a thing as "preparing too much"? Is there such a thing of doing too much "getting ready to be ready"? The article/blog post mentions that problems arise (from "getting ready to be ready") when you've missed you're opportunity for what you were getting ready for.

I suppose there really is no such thing as being too prepared but there is such a thing as not putting into play what your preparing for (ie reading about proper techniques to do something but never doing that something--just continuously reading about proper technique).

cliff notes of what I'm taking from said article: shit and get off the pot!

It's a new day...

I remembered after writing my last post that I am a Type A individual (I MUST CONTROL EVERYTHING). Then, as I lay there trying to sleep, I thought that maybe I just need to "Let things go" and roll with "it"-it being life in general. I think I ask too many questions that either can't be answered or that have various answers (depending on the situation) that are neither right or wrong. We live in a time that "anything is possible", "nothing is quarenteed", and "change is constant". We have very little control, if any, on what life truly has in store for us. I used to think that "we are in control of our own destiny" but my views have changed. No matter how much you want something, how hard you work for somethign, there just is NO guarentee that the outcome will be what YOU think it should be. Sure we can influence, prepare for the "best outcome" but quite simply "shit happens". I think these days I want to learn to be more flexible, learn to be more in the moment, and less fearful of things that are WELL beyond my control. Sure it's ok to prepare for things I want/don't want out of life, remember not to take for granted that "things" have to work in my favor because I did this or that, and definetly be more concious of the decisions (ie reactions) I make for me and my well being.

life

Ain't life great?! :O) Yeah, I know, it is (most of the time).

Let me ask you...cuz I ask myself this a lot....what is your passion? what is it that you want to with your life? what do you want to be remembered? Or more impartantly, HOW do you want to be remembered for.

I know I ask a good deal from myself; at least mentally and emotionally. I have a certain "standard" that I often feel the need to attempt to "exceed". Some days I hit the mark, some days I don't and I'm learning to be ok with that because I'm human. How does this relate to the questions above? It relates in the aspect that although I have passion for the things I do (doing a exceptional job at work, being there for others in need, community outreach programs) I don't feel "passionate" (by the way Mike & Molly touched on this topic tonight). I don't feel like I've got the "world by the balls". I don't know if I make a difference. AM I SUPPOSED to have the world by the balls? What the hell am I doing other than surviving? and why does it seem like much of the rest of the world is in my shoes. Should I find comfort in the fact that I'm not alone in my queries of life?

Goals for the next (Nov 1 2013 to Oct 31 2014)

Start of my goals for the coming year.....

1-exercise AND track the exercise more consistently

2-Run more miles--according to my dailymile thing I've done 785 in the last 4 years; 75 in the last year--must aim higher LOL.  start low aim big. 3 times a week I will be out running; as the miles increase, when I reach 4 miles, I will only run long miles ONE time that week. the other two days will be 3 or 4 miles run.

1st week run 1/2 mile

3rd week run 1 mile

5th week run 1.5 miles

7th week run 2 miles

9th week run 2.5 miles

11th week run 3 miles

13th week run 3.5 miles

15th week run 4 miles

17th week run 4.5 miles

19th week run 5 miles

21st week run 5.5 miles

23rd week run 6 miles

25th week run 6.5 miles

27th week run 7 miles

29th week run 7.5 miles

31st week run 8 miles

33rd week run 8.5 miles

35th week run 9 miles

37th week run 9.5 miles

39th week run 10 miles

41st week run 10.5 miles

43rd week run 11 miles

45th week run 11.5 miles

47th week run 12 miles

49th week run 12.5 miles

51st week run 13 miles

52nd week run 13.5

Ugh....my heart dropped to my stomach

It's official-I canceled my trip to Philly today. I hate being an adult sometimes...but I had to do it. While the government "shutdown" is over-we STILL don't know when we will get paid (it sucked working for free for 3 weeks but sux worse not knowing when you're gonna get paid for that work). I'm trying not to be disgruntle (besides what good would it do?) and it's definitely given me incentive to become "debt free" and use the money I would have used for Philly to pay on my credit card.

A bonus for not going to Philly is that I don't have to feel ashamed for not being further along on my training. I used every excuse in the book to NOT work out and 80 percent of the time it worked.  Sometimes old dogs just don't learn new tricks! But I'm not going to feel bad anymore for slacking (no one knows how much I slacked besides YOU guys and who YOU gonna tell!!??? LOL) and wipe the slate as clean as possible. Today's a new day and there are several races in the future.  I'm opting to stay pretty close to home for races until further notice.  This shut down really got to me and really showed the importance of being frugile.  My health IS important but I don't need to travel 870 miles and need to stay in a hotel for 5 days.

Have a great night!

knocking me down but not out....

Not really sure what to write except that at least writing isn't costing me money!! What a last few weeks many of us have had. Realizations setting in that some things just aren't in my future. Like participating in the Philly Half Marathon and spending a wonderful few days in the city in which my family grew up in. As all of you know, the government has "shut down" and are with-holding funds from many folks, including myself. While I am not "furloughed" I am working for no pay; as are many who work for them. Programs are shut down and money is running out for many. I really have no idea how or what to think and what thoughts do come into mind aren't pleasant. Since there is no money coming in and we are needing to dip into savings I've canceled my trip to Philly. Part of me is heart broken while the other part of me senses it's for the best. Due to family health issues I've spent most of the summer driving back and forth from my folks house. While I can't do much to ease my fathers pain and my mothers dispare; I CAN and WILL be there. These trips cost more than just money, it's cost training plans/time needed to prepare. While I know I can complete 13.1 miles, I wasn't going to complete it as I hoped-running. I know there is a bigger better plan and I'll patiently await said plans. And boy does it get dark early! boooooo, I like my sun light! sorry...ding...subject change! Anyhow...what's a girl to do while waiting for the bigger better plan to show? Make her own plans! Ha ha I haven't decided on a plan but I'll get to it. I did pack 285 packs with my "Think of Me" AdvoCare postcards! I'd show you a picture but my ipad does not like blogger. I've also started plotting local races I'd like to do with my running buddy (gingerbread run here we come!) and expanding my reading list. ok so..not such a fun blog post BUT I wanted to write something. I miss writing! have a great rest of the week!

what can you do in 5 minutes or less?

Ok...so I often sit here doing what I do best (Kate is right maybe) and that's being a lil hard on myself. I continously think "how can I do better?" "I need to be better at time management" "I need to do this more or that more" blah blah blah. Often times I forget that MY strengths are not always another persons' strength and by comparing myself (including my body size) I could be setting myself up for failure. And I don't REALLY want that. It's ok to strive to be better and it would certainly behoove me to use my awake time better....well my time in general better.

Every week day morning our alarm goes off at the same time (before crack of dawn) and sadly on the weekends the pug alarms go off about that same time. During the week rather than getting up and staying up I get up, walk the dogs, lay back down and then an hour before needing to be AT work, I scramble to get dressed, walk the dogs a second time and get out the door without forgetting something.  This makes me sluggish and crabby; and I'm having a heck of a time breaking the cycle.

So today I was thinking (again ha ha) about how I could fix this.  HOw can I use the 3 hrs plus before work to my advantage rather than my demise.  I thought about my January list of goals and about how I LOVE the one minute rule (where if something can be done in 60 seconds or less go ahead and do it rather than waiting and having a shit load of things to get done). It has certainly helped me keep a cleaner house. Anyhow I was reading a Real Simple magazine article about what you can do in just 5 minutes that can help start you day off in a more positive manner. Some of the items I wrote down from the article are to drink a tall glass of cold water; make my bed; and a 5 minute stretch routine.  Some other things that I know I can do in 5 minutes or less is empty/fill the dishwasher; floss/brush my teeth and rinse; make a cup of coffee and spark drink. With a little practice I could turn my 7 to 10 minute walk around the block (.46 mile) into a 5 minute jog.

What can you do in 5 minutes that could start your day off in a more positive manner?

Tori's A to Z Aspirations

predictable

I'll just come out and say it-I'm predictable. Or at least I feel predictable. I dream big but do very little to follow thru.  I make "goals" and "To do lists"; get tools to move forward to make the changes I desire.  I even look for peeps who share similar desire for change or whom do what it is I wish to do in hopes of drawing strength and inspiration.  I follow "them" (changes) for a spell and then "sha zam" I've fallen off the "change" wagon.

And evidently, I'm also not a multi-tasker.  Because heaven forbid I could work on "changing" more than one thing at a time. And this time round I'm not even sure I really care that I'm leaning towards falling off the change wagon. again.  Maybe I like using excuses to get out of things.  Maybe I like being limited. Maybe the real problem is that I lack discipline and have no desire for discipline. I think. Maybe I'm just lazy. How the hell does one figure this crap out?

Maybe I like who I am; like the pace that I am going at in life. I'm not in a bad position in life. and I'm not really back pedaling (except with spending/paying off things). Everything I do typically is for a specific purpose. Granted I'm not "outwardly" an overly happy person but I contribute that to the fact that my brain NEVER shuts off. I'm always thinking; even in my sleep. and if I'm always thinking about things I sometimes forget to smile and just plain have fun.

I love reading books. I love self help books. I love teaching/showing people new ways of doing things or that I know a lot of information. I also love being alone but I do occasionally like to hang out with others doing things. I"m pretty resourceful and creative. But I just can't find a creative way to love exercise. at least not right now. I always feel like "go go go" but truthfully if you were to have me write down all the things I do you would see that I actually have plenty of  time to work in exercise and some fun exercise.  

Do written schedules really work? How do you retrain yourself to love being up verse going back to bed (especially when you really don't need the sleep)? I was reading the other day that if you want to change a bad habit to a good habit that you should start small... But what's starting small? and goals...how are goal lists made? I would assume that my goals are too broad (pay off credit card) but not sure how to "narrow it down"?

maybe I'm just confused about what I should be doing.  wouldn't be the first time.

I changed my mind....

I don't want to be average nor do I want to be normal.  I've tried to fit in but I'm over it.  It's a waste of my "perfectly good talent".  I'm tired of trying to stuff my square peg into societies round hole in hopes of feeling worthy of others attention. It's hard to explain...I had it all typed out a few moments ago but the blogger thing went "fitz", didn't save and then my words disappeared. grr.

Anyhow, I no longer like 830 to 5. DOn't get me wrong I'm grateful to have a job. I enjoy the work I do; it can be rewarding.  There was even a time when I loved what I did and could see myself doing it for another 20 yrs.  These last few weeks though I've got to thinking that there is so much more to life than what I've allowed myself to be.  I've always marched to the beat of my own drummer but chastised myself for doing so.  I'd tell myself that a "normal" person follows societies guidelines on "blah blah blah".  I have no idea what I was thinking...but I can tell you that I'm over trying to make myself fit into what I think society is telling me I should be fitting into.  Maybe I think too much and do too little. eh...the wind will blow tomorrow and change a few things I'm sure :O) but that's what is so amazing...I'm allowed to change my mind!

Gusto, confident, take charge.

Making lists; moving forward

So I caught the bug (finally) and I'm feel mentally and emotionally on track. I've made all sorts of lists (including a training schedule for the Philly Half Marathon) and pulled out some resource books. I'm not just making lists but also taking notes. I know that nothing is ever set in stone and that one must be patient and flexible. I've also come to realize and appreciate those who have sent their well wishes and support to me and that they are sincere in their words (and sometimes actions). When your "glasses are fogging" you never see the sincerity in others gestures nor how important it is to have some kind of support system. Life can be so difficult; why make the journey alone if you don't have to?

 OK...so I'm all in on the AdvoCare....I'm a bit nervous because I'm not an "in your face you HAVE to try this" kind of gal. I also have issues talking verbally. I don't know the products like the back of the hand (ie what ingredients are in the item) I just know the products work. So anyway...there is a 5k coming up that I am going to sponsor in hopes of gaining exposure and potentially customers. It should be a win win (Lord forgive me) because the donation will be a tax deduction and by "sponsoring" I will be able to put my "logo" and contact information in the pamplet/booklet about the 5k, on the shirt, and a flyer in the race packet bag. for those who have picked up race packet-do you even look at the papers in the bag? I know I do but they've never been about a product; they've normally been about another race. Am I screwed because I don't have the funds to put a "trinket" in the race bag? here's my logo/info...you're ideas of what I can put in the race packet that won't break the bank.

P.S. and I think I may switch to bike races...to see if it's as much fun now as it was when I was a kid.

laziness has struck again...

November is creeping up quickly. I am supposed to be training for a half marathon but I lack that special something something to get me moving in the right direction.  I would love to say that "fear of commitment" is holding me back but that would be a flat out lie (besides-I've already signed up for the race, booked a hotel, AND actively been looking for flights).  when it comes to training, I'm lazy pure and simple. I wish I had a cure for this laziness but alais I'm empty handed. tricks of the trade to cure the laziness is welcome. 

speaking of lazy...look whose laying down on guard duty!!

Dad has had 3 chemo treatments...his 4th is scheduled for Monday the 22nd.  He seems to be one of the lucky few (knock on wood) and is having minor side effects thus far with the treatments.  He seems to be in a good place NOW mentally/emotionally and I'm thankful for that. of course, I am not seeing him on a daily basis so they may be hiding something from me.

In preparation of the anticipated furlough days starting Oct 1st for govt employees in my organization I recently asked myself "how can I earn money now (and continuously)  so that when I lose pay then I can still pay my bills?" I need(ed) something flexible and something I believe in. I was not having luck finding an online teaching job (I have no teaching experience) so I've opted to be an Independent Distributor for AdvoCare health and wellness products (energy enhancement, mental clarity, weight management  etc). The "start up" fee was reasonable, I LOVE the products, AND because I'm selling them I can get a discount for my products! yeah me! SO...if you have heard of AdvoCare but thought it too pricey to try; let me know and I will send you a sample of a product so you can try before you buy. Current samples on hand are...

   

if you would like to see more products and their descriptions follow this link or copy paste...(sorry shameless plug I know).... https://www.advocare.com/130710310 (link is also at the side and the tabs above has some 

personal input on products I have used...

Where do we go from here...

July 15th will mark 18 years since my mother passed away from ovarian cancer.  I remember when I first found out she had the cancer that I really didn't know how to feel. I'd never experienced the death of someone so close before and things just seemed like 'this really isn't happening is it?' At the end I understood that I didn't want her to suffer any longer. 

Today I went with my father and mama #2 to dads appointment. Up until today we really didn't know what the 'plan was' to rid dad of his lung cancer because not all the test results were in... There was the suspicion that the cancer had spread to his liver and brain as well. Well the cancer has not made it to his brain but the cancer in his liver is stage 4...and because its stage 4 in the liver they can not operate on the lung as originally discussed by the lung doctor. The oncology DR said that operating on anything is not an option and may never be an option. I wouldn't say that this doctor is optimistic about treatment either. Just that its the only option right now. While I feel sad for my father I feel more sadness for mama #2. She will possibly lose her husband much sooner than anticipated and feels as if she must hold together her emotions in an attempt to keep his spirits up. The weight of the world, i assume, is on her shoulders. I truly pray for mercy; pray for as little suffering as possible. No one deserves to suffer. No one. 

As for me and my feelings; I don't know. I am powerless as to what the future holds. I cannot control nor do i have input. If i could/did my brother and father would not be at odds and would have a strong relationship. And as long as I don't talk out loud, as long as I pretend 'all is well' I won't cry. And if I don't cry I won't feel sorrow, I won't binge, I won't smoke, I won't get drunk. All of which I wouldn't mind doing right now. 

Time just keeps on slippin....

The famous line from the classic song 'Fly Like An Eagle' by Steve Miller that sums up life right now. Or shall I say sums up life for many "middle aged" folks. I remember many times growing up saying "I can't wait until I'm older..." and now that I'm older I wonder what the rush was all about. Life just seems to be going faster and faster; which is good in one sense because it means that I'm not dead yet (or that life has not come to a screeching halt with me preparing for death?). Please don't think of that statement as being morbid...it's just a saying (one that I'm sure we've all said at one time or another). Besides, eventually we will all pass on. I doubt that ANY of us REALLY "wants to die" but it's the "natural process" of "things". Some folks can handle the fact that we will all eventally pass on. Some, not so much. Suddenly they remember "all" of the things they've done thru life-most of which "weren't so perfect". Suddenly they are attempting to make amends, ask for forgivness, and pray that they are "good enough to go with Christ". Someone I love is doing just that. It both confuses and saddens me at the same time. I am a firm believer (these days) that he did the very best he could (at least how it pertains to raising children) with the knowledge he had. I have to believe that in order to have forgiven him for what he put me/us through. I know that no one is perfect and we all have our "crosses" to bear. But to carry our cross as a badge of honor (excuse the analogy) is unacceptable for me. The cross I carry is between me and my God; not me and the world. I will not apologize to just anyone for something I've done that doesn't mesh with "society". If I've hurt someone directly I will apologize once and move on. And to see him struggle hurts my heart. Such a waste of time IMO. Facing the knowledge that you could be sitting outside deaths door is (IMO) not the time to be reminising and beating yourself up for decisions made/done in the past. This time should be used to prepare for what lies ahead, for tests/struggles ahead, to love and celebrate with family/friends, and quite possibly preparing for death.

And life goes on...

It's been quite a few weeks since my last post-such a slacker! Of course this is becoming a recur type thing as my time management skills have gone by the weigh side. But I'm confident I will get some kind of routine down. I must if I want to be ready for Philly in November. The past week has been quite insane. My father had Been dealing with the hiccups for over two weeks. For whatever reason they did a cat scan when the first medication didn't work. The scan showed an abnormality and long story short some misinformation may have been passed and needless worry caused. By the time I got to my folks house (3 hrs away) my father had both feet in the grave(which is a whole other post), sure he only had hours to live wondering why God didn't like him. What kind of health care person tells their patient that they have cancer, it's in their lungs and has passed to the liver and gone to the brain without further tests? It was a very sad situation that we have yet to get a definite answer too. Formal results won't be in until Tuesday (a biopsy was done yesterday morning) and I'm now (this very second) getting nervous because I didn't give my step mom a call. Sadly I've been down this road before (the cancer road) and have an idea of what to expect. Chances are (per dr not nurse practitioner) it is cancer but there are several levels of cancer-many of which are curable. I'm not looking forward to this-no one is and who in their right mind would? I really don't 'get it' (the whole picture, death-omg moments-admitting wrong actions-asking for forgiveness-promising to be a better person-yada yada) but its not me-I think of death all the time (morbid-no-death is reality and I'd like to live with no regrets and as little guilt as possible). Whatever is to be I can accept. I just pray that if it is cancer that he doesn't suffer like my mom did. No one desires that. I believe there are 170 days until Philly. Training has been slow but I'm confident that I will pr. The time to beat is 2 hrs and 55 mins. I have a 10 k on the 8th that will be the official starting point and will give me an idea where I am physically. Emotionally I'm ready for training and for the challenge. Mentally I'm a lil behind BUT I'm not afraid.

Ok not so productive...

I've been doing a lil of this and a lil of that. I don't seem to have a schedule down nor a schedule set for that matter. From what I've read it's best to shedule all of your time. And I do carry a calendar and write in it occasionally...just need to be more consistent and more disciplined. My life story I swear. So I was talking to my pal the other day (amber) and mentioned how focused I can be when I have written out my goals but have been so busy at work and just overly mentally drained to focus on me. A few minutes later she sent me this... And told me no more excuses. Not real sure where she got the FULL marathon from but I love that she gets me and knows just how to get my brain to settle down! How do you schedule your time and keep you on task?

Laptop down-what to replace it with...

My laptop died the other day. I am trying to determine th best course of action. I don't want another laptop-my track record with them isn't great. This lAst one is barely 3 yes old and I'm not sure why it died. I only use my computers for fb twitter blogging and saving photos. Eventually I'd like to make some money from working on my computer (photography stuff) but right now I just like social media and could probably get away with a tablet. But I can't figure out which. I'm leaning towards iPad but there are others that are a lil more reasonably priced. Do any of you have experience with tablets? I'm looking/comparing ipda and nexus 7 google thing. Thanks

A letter long over due....

My Dearest Friend,

1st things first. Your mother would be so proud of you. You've overcome some major obstacles and turned into such an amazing human being. You've never met a stranger and have always been ready to lend a hand-even without being asked. Having you and calling you daughter is an honor she cherishes and every day she smiles down from heaven on you.

2ndly this letter is long over due. I've watched you from the sidelines for years (wishing you would give me a chance to help "squash the rest of your demons") and can no longer sit idle as you waste you time and energy on frivolous "things". You have put SO MUCH energy into "being too fat" that you overlook the obvious.  And this is interfering with the rest of your healing and is holding you back from your true potential. You are SO smart yet you doubt your every move and somehow manage to link it back to your weight ('well if you weren't so fat maybe people wouldn't look at you like your stupid!'). You second guess yourself unmercifully and wrongfully get down on yourself for the STUPIDEST things.  You strive to do all things "perfectly" in order to please everyone else and continuously sell yourself short because you are not as perfect as "insert someone else's name". NEWS FLASH: there is no perfect-period-get over yourself. And worst of all (IMO), this struggle with your weight (and how you associate it with your short comings) has gone on for so long that you no longer remember you're own greatness (& tenacity) and that "weight is just a number; it doesn't define who you are." 

So let me tell you the obvious.  And remind you of the truth of your existence...which is not to please OTHERS by the way. You're weight has NOTHING to do with you successes (or failures).  You're weight IS just a number on the scale; it does NOT define who you are and/or what you are capable of.  You are an amazing person yet you can't see it through your "fat glasses". GAWD how irritating! You are so wonderfully balanced! You're empathetic, genuine, grounded, determined, have a general concern for others well being to name a few. You also typically know your limits and know when you need to step back and let someone else take the lead. And that's why I'm here...I'm here to take the lead....together we are going to move mountains instead of mole hills. Those half marathons you want to run-we're going to grab that bull by the horns and RUN (pun intended)! That foreign language you want to learn-WE'RE going to learn it! Whatever we decide to do, we'll do it to the best of our ability. Sometimes we won't be as successful as we'd like to be but that's ok because we will have tried!

Love,

YOUR self confidence

P.S. You won't regret this...promise.

Change o plans...

Ok...instead of the Rock n Roll 1/2 marathon September in Philly I am going to do the "regular" Philly Half Marathon in November. Super Stoked...already signed up and made hotel arrangements....haven't told the hubs yet.  I attempted to "broach" the subject prior to signing up but I got a dirty look so I stopped talking. Not a very grown up way to "handle things" but you do it your way I'll do it mine! :O)

I had intended to start training this last week but was hit but a stomach/intestinal bug. I managed the treadmill for all of 15 mins before tossing in the towel.  I slept a LOT this week...almost like hitting the much needed reset button. I'm fine now thanks.

So, I was also supposed to drink more water, eat more veggies and fruits...which all went well until Wednesday when the bug hit. Now I have to "reset" that button. It'll be fine because I have faith that I can pick up where I left off (I'm trying reverse psychology). Healthier choices are becoming easier to make and that's a start. Remember, baby steps to making healthy, long lasting changes.  Healthy living is a choice; a choice that needs to become habit. 

I planted four rose bushes today and have so much more to do outside getting ready for summer. I'm really looking forward to the minor changes (the hubs is on board SHOCKER) around the house. Most of the changes are going to help with the lawn work which will make his life a lil easier. The minor changes will also block out our nosy back common area neighbors.  I love sitting outside with the pups but HATE feeling like everyone can see what I'm doing in my back yard (and I truly hate putting on "presentable" clothing just to sit outside in my own yard).

I have 3.1 miles on the books for tomorrow; a lot of standing wandering around Monday (opening day festivities-dear Lord please help me remember to bring my wallet!!) so Tuesday/Thursday I will do 3.1 miles and next Saturday 5 miles.

96oz of water, 2 pieces of fruit, 2 helping of veggies, and 1 sweet snack each day.

Also on the book for races is a 5k on the 27th of April (not signed up for so it may not be a go) and a 5k in KC (DEA-KC) on June 22nd that I am already signed/paid for.  Since I will be traveling to Philly I need (would like to) keep the race fees down. But I don't know. Sometimes it's easier (??) to be motivated to improve when signed up for races....but I had having to cough up 25 to 35 for a 5k.  granted I do know of some 5ks for 20 bucks but I'd sure like 10 bucks better.  Of course if I could win some dietbets maybe that could cover the cost of some 5ks. Or is I could sell more crap on ebay that could cover some races fees.

Do you like paying for 5ks? Is that the only way you're motivated to move is to be in race form?

Half Marathon Training starts Tomorrow!!

I've decided to go to Philly in Sept and participate in the Philly R&R Half Marathon.  I've never done the R&R series and I honestly can't say I'm excited about "that part" (so many people participate in that series) but I am excited about training and going to the city of "Brotherly Love". I'm also excited about meeting up with some twitter peeps, site seeing, and visiting family and friends. But first thing first...I must tell the hubs my plan. He's never excited when I travel but he's as supportive as he can be. That probably sounds bad but the jest of it is: he doesn't get running and training for races (especially ones out of the area). Thankfully he would never tell me no, you can't do that.

I'm going to follow the Hal Higdon plan...I've got 6 months so I'm going to the Novice 1 for the first 3 months then move onto the Novice 2 program for the next 3 months. I will only be doing two paid 5ks between now and then to conserve on funds (and sock away funds for the trip east).  Ideally I'd love to find some travel running buddies (hint hint) but I'm not going to hold my breathe.

I start the next Dietbet Challenge Monday and still need to set up my goals for the first week.  Obvious goals are:

1. 96% of water (nothing added)
2. 3 pieces of fruit a day
3. 1 hr of exercise four days a week

I need to consider some mental goals as well.  Changes don't just happen; you have to make them happen and if you brain and heart aren't on the same page changes won't "stick".

2nd times a charm

Ever heard of dietbet? Yea...I'd heard of it only from the news and was a lil intrigued.  But just over 4 weeks ago I saw on twitter an invite to dietbet game held by the priorfatgirls bloggie folks. So I joined. I was supposed to lose 4% of my current weight (8.2) within 28 days.  28 days ends today, weigh is in tomorrow. Yea well, if you go by weight loss it was a big fail for me. And I considered not ever doing it again. Until I open minded thought about it. I may not have lost a lot of weight but I did gain motivation.  I built the treadstation and have been walking steadily since. Hey, I even did a virtual 10k and 5k.

So I'm giving it another shot. If you're interested in giving it a shot here is the link http://bit.ly/YKgejD

Another thing I have taken from this challenge is that planning is key.  I had started "really" planning half way thru the 1st challenge and that just doesn't cut it.  Too little too late. So this time around I'm going the pen and paper route NOW. tracking food, water, exercise...and weekly goals vs for the month.  I also know that while fruits are good, moderation for certain fruits is key.  I was having too much of the sweeter fruits (pineapple, honey dew, peaches) and it was not helping. I need to figure out some quick easy lunches that are both filling and healthy.  I know that black beans, canned tomatoes, and plain tuna is good but I need to make sure I have a variety. Snacks are also a lil tricky but I think I'm just going to have to "fake it till I make it". WHich is fine, it's my life story.

Changes are in the air...so why is it still snowing!?

Wow...went out for my Jelly Bean virtual Speed Photo Walking 10k Saturday and it was like this...

And then yesterday...the clouds opened up and did this...

WTF? Check please...I need to leave now before I get snowed in! I'm just thankful that I did the 10k on Saturday cuz 6 miles on the treadmill not so nice right now.

Last week I signed up for a beginners photography class...taught by a local professional photographer...and the class meets at the zoo.  The class is supposed to help me get more familiar and comfortable with my new camera.  I've read the manual and let's just say that my eyes glassed over.  Sadly the class is not until May 4th...

I'm watching the Voice while typing this and walking on the treadie...Adam L. is just soooo friggin hot. OMG...so so so hot.

Ok...the Jelly Bean virtual Speed Photo Walking 10k went very well. I was a bit surprised at my pace for walking (about 4.9 mph). I knew I wasn't up for running but I knew I needed "influence" which is why I turned it into Speed Photo Walking. You've heard of speed dating right? Well, speed photo walking is similar except I didn't "stop" to take photos. I walked really fast and snapped away....and I got some really nice photos. Sadly when you are walking a trail you don't always see anything different and the photo's all begin to look alike.  But I did get some nice scenery shots...

My legs are still hurting in certain areas (hips) but it's only temporary. I'm glad that I am finally up and moving. Now if I could just be more accepting of how I look right now and remember that I am working towards being healthier. And remember that even when the scale doesn't move it doesn't mean I should give up and start eating shit. I've been eating really well lately, lots of veggies and fruits.  I've been drinking more water too...but sadly it doesn't look like I will make my 4% goal for the dietbet. Too little too late I supposed. Had I became more active right at the beginning I may have met my goal. I don't know...I can only speculate. and I'm trying not to be sad about it.  I don't want a quick fix; I want a permanent fix. Something that may help me avoid a heart attach, stroke, diabetes, etc etc.

I would like to become more active in my goal setting...and that will take confidence. I would also like to work on making these healthy changes more second nature (which I think they are, food wise)...always a work in progress ya know. Building confidence and taking charge..."driving your own car towards your destiny". Being accountable and knowing when to forgive. Harboring no anger; embracing challenge.

treadstation workout I'm up to  2.6 mph when typing; 3.0 while reading. Have a great week.

Drawing a blank....

My brain is not here right now...kindly leave a message and it will get back to you when it decides to return.

I had so much on my mind earlier...ok maybe not but I was so looking forward to coming into my girl cave and walking on my treadstation while typing away.  I have managed to read a few blog posts of others and leave comments so not all is lost.

Did I ever tell you about my girl cave? A place I created in our not so climate controlled sunroom...a place I can hide, watch tv, read or exercise (there's a stationary bike in here too). it also has my crapbooking stash and the printer...pictures of my mom and some sports memorabilia. It also houses my curio cabinet with wedding stuff.  For such a small room there's a lot of things in here and funny...it isn't smothering! OH there is an end table and a wicker loveseat I snuck inside when the hubs wasn't looking.

Anyhow...a quiet place for me to hang out.  Hubs rarely comes to the door...I think he knows better. Besides baseball season is upon us and he won't miss me which is fine because I'm still diggin this treadstation...I'm up to 2.5 mph and typing. Not as quickly as before BUT still typing. Now to find my words!!!

Miscellaneous things...I think...

GReat blog post here about intuitive eating. Many of us struggle with food and emotional eating. Learning to change habits and come to terms with the when, why, how can be overwhelming.

I TOTALLY LOVE my treadmill workstation. If you need to learn how to do one GOOGLE "make my own treadmill workstation"...tons of ideas...many different..surely there is one to fit your situation. Hell there may even be a bike workstation out there!!  I'm up to 2.3 AND typing. YEs, I rule!

It's Mid March and the weather is still cold. I'm celebrating the cold by watching (listening to) one of my favorite movies: Miracle on 34th St. It seriously NEVER gets old. I'm amazed!! (considering my attention span).

I completely forgot what I was really going to blog about...I'm hoping it will come to me...oh yes, there it is...I need help....bad.

I don't know how to have a real conversation. As in I see you in store, you try to strike up conversation, I stand there like idiot. I'm serious. No lie. I don't know what to do or how to fix it. I just don't know how to hold up my end of the bargain. I get so nervous and then my tongue swells up. Then I get frightened. Then I run (hence when where the term "fright n flight" comes from). It's kind of funny because when I was a teen you couldn't shut me up. Boys boys boys....what I was going to do when I "grew up". What clothes I wanted and who I wanted to go with. Sad. Now you can barely get my name out of me before I become a fraidy cat. I should take an improv class. I sucked at speech years ago...the instructor was cute-what can I say.

any ideas?

treadmill and internet time

ok first, before I forget, what the hell is bloglovin?

I'm walking, typing, and watching the very end of Biggest Loser.  Dang...Da girl won by one pound! Year of the women...That Gina? lady won the at home and then Danni the big prize. Maybe it's a sign...year of the women? Or maybe it's always been the year of the woman and we are just now standing up and taking our just desserts?

I really dig this treadmill workstation set up. Sadly this is the first time I've used it since setting it up.  I've had some kind of weird head thing going on...not sure if it's sinus/allergy or a cold.  I've been treating it like both and taken a lot of crap in an attempt to rid myself of it. I can finally breathe again and not have to blow my nose every two minutes. Of course now something is giving me hella gas...very nice...not!! Oh so smelly gas ugh.

Now that I'm feeling better I would appreciate if the weather would cooperate! Opening day is like 2 weeks away and I am not looking forward to being wet and pretending to be happy for 6 hrs.  Hubs LOVES opening day festivities and I REALLY want to make it a pleasurable trip for him...I can be such a downer when I'm grumpy (grumpy because I'm cold and wet).  I would also like to get outside more and walk the trails.  I didn't use to mind going out when it was cold and wet but dang...this last winter just didn't do it for me. 

alright so no real ideas are coming to me. Have a great week.

And before I go I'll leave you with another picture taken from the new camera...

My lil man Fredbird...

and the award goes to...

the Internet...formally known as the world wide web...for allowing me (and many others) to search for GENIUS items that make our lives easier. Or saves us from selling usable items because we never made them work to our advantage.

So friggin GENIUS...combining two things I LOVE...walking and working on the Internet. I come up with some GENIUS ideas while walking.  And now I can type them as I walk.

not the most beautiful work station (yet) but I do love it more than my work workstation.  Why did I not think of this sooner? So many blog posts I've missed writing because I didn't have a piece of paper or pen!!

And I'm at a 2.0 mph. Remember earlier this week I was  only at 1.3. and the workstation is removable for when I can jog again. too fluffy right now to jog.

how fast can you walk and type?

Trying something new today...I must be the queen of multitasking (even though studies say multitasking is not as efficient as once claimed)...today I am walking on my treadmill will attempting to type on my computer. I can tell you right now that I need to clip my nails. The dogs are looking at me "like really? We sleep on the couch until you have to go to work!!"

Anyhow...I knew I had to do something about being so "sedentary" while at home and why not try and type on my blog and walk (at least until I can re-make walking a habit). So far I have walked a quarter of a mile at a 1.3 pace. yes...that's slow. BUT I am walking...I know...sad.

Ok, trip to DC done. Had safety officer training; a two day training which one day was canceled due to snow. Figures that a place that has never canceled classes due to snow before has to cancel a day when I get there. They crammed two days into one and I'm thankful for the cd they sent with us. I now know that my office has a few violations that I need to correct. I enjoyed my trip even missing a day of training because I got to hang out with my sister from another mister and eat sushi till I busted at the seems. I also racked up some frequent flier miles in which I can exchange for short magazine subscriptions. Doesn't take much to please me.

My trip to Daytona the week before training was fun.  Would have been more fun had I not had to switch hotels so often.  Not too sure why my friend wanted to have two diff hotels to start with (which ended up being 3 due to a roach in our room EEWWW) BUT I'm taking over hotel reservations for next year. Matter of fact I've taken over the itinerary.  I need structure.  period.

which is what I've learned from my jet setting experiences these last few weeks. Itineraries, structure, organization are ALL my friends. And I enjoy their company. I'm not sure how I am going to keep myself in check..it's so easy to stray while at home. How do you folks stay on task/schedule? surely there is a "secret" you'd like to share???  Some things I have discipline for, others not so much. and time management is one of those "not so much". 

Haven't had much time to play with camera...the few pictures I've taken though are wonderful!!

Busy bust lazy lazy

Sadly, nothing really exciting to report. Ok well a couple of things. I splurged on a camera (Sony a57) and my annual trip to Daytona just took place. I totally love the camera and I'm already working on next years daytona a trip. Now I'm gettin ready to go to DC for work. I started a dietbet contest last week and have to lose 9 lbs by the 28th.  Totally do able. Of course it will require me to get off my duff. I've only signed up for one 5k so far this year but am considering a  half marathon in October (des Moines). There is a 3 race event schedule in the area I nines to get signed up for (2 5ks and a bike event). Oh and I just remembered two virtual races (jellybean virtual with 'run with jess' ). Cardinals baseball starts soon and so will my volunteer stuff. Which means busy busy.

Ok-gotta run. Have a great week.

Dreamers

I've always been a dreamer. I've always felt that I could do anything if I tried. But making dreams a reality is more than trying; it's about picking yourself up when you don't succeed-something I'm not always good at. It's also about discipline and making things routine-not yet my strong points. Sometimes you can't just do something once and do it amazingly. Well I guess you can if your perfect. But we all know how I am and being perfect.

Sadly I've had the tendency of thinking I will do amazingly at something, do it once, figure out that I'm not as great at it as I imagined I'd be and give up. Quit. Walk away. Not a great way to be sometimes. Certainly not really great on the ego at a later date when you reflect on what you've done in your life.

Don't misunderstand, I AM good at things. I'm also better at some things than I am other things (like everyone else).  Sometimes I can even stop doing something I am pretty good at and pick it up years later and still be just as good. But I don't feel like I'm GREAT at any one thing. People don't know me because I'm 'so fantastic at...' This one thing (Well except for folks at work and a certain software program). And as silly as this sounds it makes me feel unimportant and unispiring. Also silly is that I sometimes wonder if I don't want to be the person everyone comes to b because I'm 'so fantastic at so I can get a "gold star" (something Gretchen Rubin addressed in her happiness project) for my acheivements. It's like I want the world to pat me on the back because I'm so great. Am I being a narrisist?

I'm working on letting go of this mindset; letting go of doing things because it pleases (or might please) others; letting go of "maybe someone will give me a 'gold star'. I'm attempting to focus on things that I enjoy doing. And I'm doing it on the fly. With the help of some reading material.

Right now I'm reading a book "21 days to master success and inner peace". It talks about finding your passion. It talks about how your passion involves serving others. I'm not really sure how that works. I do understand that life isn't really about me. Everything I do has an affect on someone/thing. For every action there is a reaction. But how does living my passion strictly serve others? Hopefully the book will better elaborate in the next chapter...or maybe someone can explain it to me?

I've spent years trying to be like everyone else...

because that's what I thought I was supposed to do .  I thought to be "normal" I had to be like everyone else....LOOK like everyone else...THINK like everyone else..."do as everyone else does". But the harder I tried the more I realized that I was NOT like everyone else. And others were quick to point out my differences. I marched (and still do) to my own drummer.  I felt totally inadequate as a person and I slowly became a recluse.  No worries, I didn't hold my inadequacies (or actually the lack there of) against anyone...I realized that I was just different and felt more comfortable alone.  But the older I get and the more time I spend healing my brain (for a lack of better words), I realize that there are a lot of folks that have felt similar emotions to being "different in a perfect society" as myself. In a weird way our differences have made us similar and technology allows us to form a bond.  And now it's time to embrace my individuality and nurture the fact that I'm different. I have quirks. And that I'm actually a lil weird.  I don't like mixing my food (unless I have mashed potatoes on my plate) and prefer to eat one thing at a time (which makes me chuckle because I love hobos for breakfast-which is a layer of hash browns, two eggs, bacon, then cheese or gravy over the top).  I have a specific routine that I HAVE to follow every time I am the last to leave the house otherwise I spaz (and I will turn around half way to work to come home and do my routine).  Gone are the days of "flying by the seat of my pants" ya know.  ANYHOW--I'm proud to be different. I'm happy to realize that I am my own worse critic and that I never continued to strive to be what I felt was society's "normal".

But I still struggle with what is "normal" because sometimes doing something different than another person is normal...just you're normal...but you don't know that (until you do your research).  I remember the day I went to get fitted for running shoes with a pal.  Part of the process is running in front of the clerk for her/him to "recommend" a shoe.  I ran first, then my friend.  My running store gal pointed out to the other store gal that I was running pronated.  Then my friend ran and the gal stated "she's running normal".  Mind you at the time I had no idea what pronation meant (hey I never said I was the brightest bulb) but hearing someone else be referred to as normal and not you made me feel inadequate.  Mind you I've always felt funny (self conscious) running in front/near other people but this really made me feel like I was a 'different' runner and that maybe I shouldn't run when others can see me.  And I haven't really ran since.  But that might be changing.  I saw the male version of me running the other day. I know it was the male version because his running style was just like how the pictures of me running (sometimes with legs kicking up almost to the point of kicking self in ass) showed. And he was running IN BROAD DAYLIGHT on the MAIN road in town and looked to have no care in the world!!!! or that's how I perceived it. It just struck me and I thought that it was so cool.  Seeing him running got me to thinking that maybe how I run is normal and that maybe I need to figure out how to LET GO of worrying about what I think others are thinking of me running. Because what someone else thinks of me shouldn't have any bearing on how I live my life.

So Far So Good

Well, January is certainly nothing to cry about.  While my time management skills are not as good as I would like them to be, nor is planning out the rest of the years "to do" list (remember-following the Happiness Project); Improving the items on my January to do list is going pretty "good".

Issues to work on were:

1. Buy based on needs vs. what’s on sale
2. Quality vs. quantity
3. Less time on computer; more time focused on “the real world”
4. Let it go
5. Follow the “one-minute rule”

I know that this doesn't sound real positive but I'm amazed at my "focus". And I'm excited to be feeling a lil more alive this year (and like "this is gonna be a GREAT year!"). Heck, it already started with me winning a David Freese autograph!!

Ok, back to the list. I get an A++ for #1.  80% of funds spent have been on items that I needed. Yes, still room for improvement but not much.  Things I bought this month that I DIDN'T need consist of the David Freese baseball card/plaque (ended up having him sign a license plate thing) and $7 on autograph tickets (that I got the winning ticket from for David-total hottie by the way).

#2 Quality vs. quantity has really weighed on me this month. In a day and age where it's "want want want" "more more more" I'm tired of so much SHIT. I used to love to grab 10lbs of shit and stuff it in a 5lb bag. I don't need more SHIT. I need to acquire more PEACE, Happiness, and good karma. There's been a lot of self talk this month and anytime I feel my hoarding tendencies overwhelming me I ask a simple question..."Do I really need this? How will it affect my current situation?" I've also been attempting to incorporate the "Quality vs. Quantity" as it pertains to food as well. It's much harder do but baby steps. Learning what foods are better for me and will hold me over longer than the typical junk food is challenging (I know that junk food is not good for a healthy lifestyle but letting go of old habits is hard. It's just so much easier to buy a bag of chips/candy than it is to find a healthy alternative). I'd give myself a C on quality vs. quantity.

#3 Less time on computer; more time focused on “the real world” started off rocky. I'm a bit attached to technology. I love being able to text, facebook, twitter, check my mail and play words with friends. Hubs is not overly impressed by the amount of time I spend doing so (even though we do nothing of importance when I'm not attached). So I really have been putting forth an effort to log off more often or log on after hours. It isn't easy and I'd say I've earned a C-.

#4 Letting go is becoming easier each day. Part of it is that I'm just plain tired of "fighting". Not literal fighting of course; figuratively speaking. The need to be "right" or "recognized for my greatness" just isn't there. Could be that I'm maturing (at 42) could be that I'm preparing for bigger and better battles. Some battles just aren't worth it ya know.

#5 Follow the “one-minute rule” Ya...I'd give myself a 50% which is FAILING. Granted I do occasionally follow it but I"m just a lazy gal at heart...well actually my attention span is short and I quickly forget what I'm doing and go do something else.

I still need to work on a more "in depth" to do list for 2013. I haven't even begun to address my lack of inactivity in the exercise department...I don't really know what I want to "accomplish". I know I want to go and do...but knowing and doing are still two different things.

Ten Things Thursday

In an attempt to keep writing I'm going to give this lil number a shot. Should be fun right...right.

1) I once was an aspiring artist.  My creative juices LOVED molding clay; losing myself in the process of kneading, molding, tucking, nip, repeat.  And it came very natural.

2) I am the most curious person I know. I've always been a curious person. I love learning and experiencing new things. My motto is "I'll try anything once; as long as it's legal."

3) I work within the law enforcement industry. For the most part I LOVE it. I am in charge of the "office" and get to boss people around, act like a mother hen, and take care of the lil things. I work with mostly men (some of whom are hot hot hot men-shh no telling hubs); some of whom are like brothers, some not so much.  No two days are the same yet none are different.

4) I sometimes talk too much and it's hard for me to not "blab" sacred information. I always tease that if interrogated I would "give it all up in a heart beat." Keeping secrets KILLS me.

5) I kinda love animals more than I love people (no offense peeps). Especially dogs. They are always happy to see me...always happy to play, follow, snuggle. And if I have a bad day (and screw something up)-it don't matter because they are still happy to see me! I would LOVE to have a dog rescue...

6) when I was five I talked the little boy down the street to walking across the main road to the laundry mat to get some bubble gum. When he attempted to protest saying that we aren't supposed to cross the street I cheerfully said "we aren't supposed to cross the street ALONE; if we hold hands while crossing there's no problem." Needless to say there was a problem and we got our butts beat. Literally.

7) I love walking in the rain, singing in the rain, sleeping in the rain (inside under my covers of course)....

8) ten things Thursday is much harder than I thought it would be!! :O) Trying to think of interesting things to write about so folks won't fall asleep!!!

9) I once took the bowling ball out of the bag, put the cat into the bowling bag, and tossed it down the hallway. I was three and my mother didn't know whether to laugh (because of my ingenuity) or to scold me. No worries...the cat wasn't permanently injured; just a lil loopy from the rolls!

10) I'm gettin another tattoo soon. It's my grandpa's version of Thumper. He drew it on an envelope that contained a letter to my grandma during WWII

Being Perfect

I work really hard to be the best wife, the best daughter, the best person someone else knows. But no matter how hard I try, I fall short and realize just how imperfect I am. I work so hard to please others, to put others first, to make everyone happy but I just always feel like I I miss the mark. For the love of pete-I can't even cut a straight friggin line!!

I really only have one question right now.  WHO DA FIDGE SAID I HAVE TO BE PERFECT!? OMG it's so friggin tiring! No wonder I'm always exhausted. F'ck I just can't continue down that road.

I know I will never be perfect but I can be better than I am now. And that's what I'll strive to do...LET GO (res#4) of attempting to be pefect and baby steppin to bein a lil better than I was before....working to be the very best I can be...

January 2013...to resolute or not to resolute...

I just realized that I am starting my fourth year of blogging. That blows my mind considering I have a short attention span...

Anyhow...as I've stated before: I'm back.  And while I'm not big on "resolutions", I am big on changing habits! So for the month of January I will be utilizing Gretchen Rubin’s Charts from her book The Happiness Project.  Actually she sent me (and anyone else interested) the chart samples back in 2011 (may have been 2010) when I joined her lil mailing list because they are not in her book (and she was being helpful). And Of course I tweeked the charts to better fit my needs. I attempted to follow it before (still have the charts even!) but at some point in time or another I felt the urge to stop. Anywho, This go around I’m just going to take it month by month and “issue by issue”. I will add new issues as I feel that I’ve made one of the current issues a stable (?) habit or it’s no longer an issue. Chances are, I’ll be adding to verse taking away because that's how I roll. I always need reminders...preferably in writing!! 

Have a great weekend and here's to a very wonderful 2013!

All in the name of Happiness!

Looking over last years “to do” list saddens me a bit…short, broad, and incomplete. It’s almost as if I was setting myself up for failure!! Saving money, losing weight, paying off debt, obtaining part time employment, reading, and of course wogging. Eight things on my list; only four got touched with only two completed. And instead of losing weight, I gained 30. I’m thinking this year I’m going to change it up a bit. Maybe I’ll relieve some pressure from myself and not put a number on things! Before I get to that list, let me toot my horn and shed some light on what I did do (trust me, it’ll make me feel better!!).

 

Last year I participated (and completed) in 12 5k’s, 1 10k, and 2 ½ marathons. No PRs were set but that wasn’t the goal or the point. The point was to go and do. I did. I also went zip lining, joined a fitness center, paid off 12% of my debt, and read 16 books. I think the most important thing accomplished from last year is the fact that I started to cut myself some slack. I’m human. I can only do so much. While many of the things I did last year is/are a blur (seriously-I was shocked at the list of celebs that had died throughout the year that I didn’t remember passing!!) and probably done on auto pilot I do remember repeating “breathe, it’s ok, you know what you’re capable of and owe no one any apologies for what you think is your short coming.” All in the name of SANITY!! :0)

  

What would I like to see from 2013 from myself (because I know I can’t change the entire world’s outlook)? To start, I’d like quality rather than quantity; to expand my knowledge; to choose positive over negative; to “let it go” the things I CAN’T change/influence.

  

Breaking it down:

 

Quality vs. quantity:

o Less time on computer; more time focused on hubs and playing with dogs

o Buying based on our needs (and using the items) vs. buying items because they are on sale (then letting them sit and tossing because they have spoiled).

o More time working towards a 5k; less 5k’s (at first). It was a wonderful goal (in an attempt to get me more active) to “participate in 12 5k’s” but I’m not confident that I got much good out of completing the goal. I’m certainly not in better shape for doing all of them. Heck, I probably wouldn’t have done so many if it hadn’t been for my BFF Heather.

Expand my knowledge:

o Reading books that will help ease future circumstances (example Caring for aging parents; Simple Acts of Gratitude; 21 Days to Master Success & Inner Peace)

o Learn a new language

 

Choose positive over negative and to “let it go” the things I CAN’T change/influence is going to be tricky and most likely a work in progress. One of the books I am revisiting this year is “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin. I got half way thru the book the last time before I petered out. It was a great read and very inspirational (I even lost 50lbs that year). I need to figure out how to keep inspired when not reading the book.

Anyone interested in doing a "Happiness Project" Challenge with me?