laziness has struck again...

November is creeping up quickly. I am supposed to be training for a half marathon but I lack that special something something to get me moving in the right direction.  I would love to say that "fear of commitment" is holding me back but that would be a flat out lie (besides-I've already signed up for the race, booked a hotel, AND actively been looking for flights).  when it comes to training, I'm lazy pure and simple. I wish I had a cure for this laziness but alais I'm empty handed. tricks of the trade to cure the laziness is welcome. 

speaking of lazy...look whose laying down on guard duty!!

Dad has had 3 chemo treatments...his 4th is scheduled for Monday the 22nd.  He seems to be one of the lucky few (knock on wood) and is having minor side effects thus far with the treatments.  He seems to be in a good place NOW mentally/emotionally and I'm thankful for that. of course, I am not seeing him on a daily basis so they may be hiding something from me.

In preparation of the anticipated furlough days starting Oct 1st for govt employees in my organization I recently asked myself "how can I earn money now (and continuously)  so that when I lose pay then I can still pay my bills?" I need(ed) something flexible and something I believe in. I was not having luck finding an online teaching job (I have no teaching experience) so I've opted to be an Independent Distributor for AdvoCare health and wellness products (energy enhancement, mental clarity, weight management  etc). The "start up" fee was reasonable, I LOVE the products, AND because I'm selling them I can get a discount for my products! yeah me! SO...if you have heard of AdvoCare but thought it too pricey to try; let me know and I will send you a sample of a product so you can try before you buy. Current samples on hand are...

   

if you would like to see more products and their descriptions follow this link or copy paste...(sorry shameless plug I know).... https://www.advocare.com/130710310 (link is also at the side and the tabs above has some 

personal input on products I have used...

Where do we go from here...

July 15th will mark 18 years since my mother passed away from ovarian cancer.  I remember when I first found out she had the cancer that I really didn't know how to feel. I'd never experienced the death of someone so close before and things just seemed like 'this really isn't happening is it?' At the end I understood that I didn't want her to suffer any longer. 

Today I went with my father and mama #2 to dads appointment. Up until today we really didn't know what the 'plan was' to rid dad of his lung cancer because not all the test results were in... There was the suspicion that the cancer had spread to his liver and brain as well. Well the cancer has not made it to his brain but the cancer in his liver is stage 4...and because its stage 4 in the liver they can not operate on the lung as originally discussed by the lung doctor. The oncology DR said that operating on anything is not an option and may never be an option. I wouldn't say that this doctor is optimistic about treatment either. Just that its the only option right now. While I feel sad for my father I feel more sadness for mama #2. She will possibly lose her husband much sooner than anticipated and feels as if she must hold together her emotions in an attempt to keep his spirits up. The weight of the world, i assume, is on her shoulders. I truly pray for mercy; pray for as little suffering as possible. No one deserves to suffer. No one. 

As for me and my feelings; I don't know. I am powerless as to what the future holds. I cannot control nor do i have input. If i could/did my brother and father would not be at odds and would have a strong relationship. And as long as I don't talk out loud, as long as I pretend 'all is well' I won't cry. And if I don't cry I won't feel sorrow, I won't binge, I won't smoke, I won't get drunk. All of which I wouldn't mind doing right now. 

Time just keeps on slippin....

The famous line from the classic song 'Fly Like An Eagle' by Steve Miller that sums up life right now. Or shall I say sums up life for many "middle aged" folks. I remember many times growing up saying "I can't wait until I'm older..." and now that I'm older I wonder what the rush was all about. Life just seems to be going faster and faster; which is good in one sense because it means that I'm not dead yet (or that life has not come to a screeching halt with me preparing for death?). Please don't think of that statement as being morbid...it's just a saying (one that I'm sure we've all said at one time or another). Besides, eventually we will all pass on. I doubt that ANY of us REALLY "wants to die" but it's the "natural process" of "things". Some folks can handle the fact that we will all eventally pass on. Some, not so much. Suddenly they remember "all" of the things they've done thru life-most of which "weren't so perfect". Suddenly they are attempting to make amends, ask for forgivness, and pray that they are "good enough to go with Christ". Someone I love is doing just that. It both confuses and saddens me at the same time. I am a firm believer (these days) that he did the very best he could (at least how it pertains to raising children) with the knowledge he had. I have to believe that in order to have forgiven him for what he put me/us through. I know that no one is perfect and we all have our "crosses" to bear. But to carry our cross as a badge of honor (excuse the analogy) is unacceptable for me. The cross I carry is between me and my God; not me and the world. I will not apologize to just anyone for something I've done that doesn't mesh with "society". If I've hurt someone directly I will apologize once and move on. And to see him struggle hurts my heart. Such a waste of time IMO. Facing the knowledge that you could be sitting outside deaths door is (IMO) not the time to be reminising and beating yourself up for decisions made/done in the past. This time should be used to prepare for what lies ahead, for tests/struggles ahead, to love and celebrate with family/friends, and quite possibly preparing for death.

And life goes on...

It's been quite a few weeks since my last post-such a slacker! Of course this is becoming a recur type thing as my time management skills have gone by the weigh side. But I'm confident I will get some kind of routine down. I must if I want to be ready for Philly in November. The past week has been quite insane. My father had Been dealing with the hiccups for over two weeks. For whatever reason they did a cat scan when the first medication didn't work. The scan showed an abnormality and long story short some misinformation may have been passed and needless worry caused. By the time I got to my folks house (3 hrs away) my father had both feet in the grave(which is a whole other post), sure he only had hours to live wondering why God didn't like him. What kind of health care person tells their patient that they have cancer, it's in their lungs and has passed to the liver and gone to the brain without further tests? It was a very sad situation that we have yet to get a definite answer too. Formal results won't be in until Tuesday (a biopsy was done yesterday morning) and I'm now (this very second) getting nervous because I didn't give my step mom a call. Sadly I've been down this road before (the cancer road) and have an idea of what to expect. Chances are (per dr not nurse practitioner) it is cancer but there are several levels of cancer-many of which are curable. I'm not looking forward to this-no one is and who in their right mind would? I really don't 'get it' (the whole picture, death-omg moments-admitting wrong actions-asking for forgiveness-promising to be a better person-yada yada) but its not me-I think of death all the time (morbid-no-death is reality and I'd like to live with no regrets and as little guilt as possible). Whatever is to be I can accept. I just pray that if it is cancer that he doesn't suffer like my mom did. No one desires that. I believe there are 170 days until Philly. Training has been slow but I'm confident that I will pr. The time to beat is 2 hrs and 55 mins. I have a 10 k on the 8th that will be the official starting point and will give me an idea where I am physically. Emotionally I'm ready for training and for the challenge. Mentally I'm a lil behind BUT I'm not afraid.