Where do we go from here...

July 15th will mark 18 years since my mother passed away from ovarian cancer.  I remember when I first found out she had the cancer that I really didn't know how to feel. I'd never experienced the death of someone so close before and things just seemed like 'this really isn't happening is it?' At the end I understood that I didn't want her to suffer any longer. 

Today I went with my father and mama #2 to dads appointment. Up until today we really didn't know what the 'plan was' to rid dad of his lung cancer because not all the test results were in... There was the suspicion that the cancer had spread to his liver and brain as well. Well the cancer has not made it to his brain but the cancer in his liver is stage 4...and because its stage 4 in the liver they can not operate on the lung as originally discussed by the lung doctor. The oncology DR said that operating on anything is not an option and may never be an option. I wouldn't say that this doctor is optimistic about treatment either. Just that its the only option right now. While I feel sad for my father I feel more sadness for mama #2. She will possibly lose her husband much sooner than anticipated and feels as if she must hold together her emotions in an attempt to keep his spirits up. The weight of the world, i assume, is on her shoulders. I truly pray for mercy; pray for as little suffering as possible. No one deserves to suffer. No one. 

As for me and my feelings; I don't know. I am powerless as to what the future holds. I cannot control nor do i have input. If i could/did my brother and father would not be at odds and would have a strong relationship. And as long as I don't talk out loud, as long as I pretend 'all is well' I won't cry. And if I don't cry I won't feel sorrow, I won't binge, I won't smoke, I won't get drunk. All of which I wouldn't mind doing right now. 

Time just keeps on slippin....

The famous line from the classic song 'Fly Like An Eagle' by Steve Miller that sums up life right now. Or shall I say sums up life for many "middle aged" folks. I remember many times growing up saying "I can't wait until I'm older..." and now that I'm older I wonder what the rush was all about. Life just seems to be going faster and faster; which is good in one sense because it means that I'm not dead yet (or that life has not come to a screeching halt with me preparing for death?). Please don't think of that statement as being morbid...it's just a saying (one that I'm sure we've all said at one time or another). Besides, eventually we will all pass on. I doubt that ANY of us REALLY "wants to die" but it's the "natural process" of "things". Some folks can handle the fact that we will all eventally pass on. Some, not so much. Suddenly they remember "all" of the things they've done thru life-most of which "weren't so perfect". Suddenly they are attempting to make amends, ask for forgivness, and pray that they are "good enough to go with Christ". Someone I love is doing just that. It both confuses and saddens me at the same time. I am a firm believer (these days) that he did the very best he could (at least how it pertains to raising children) with the knowledge he had. I have to believe that in order to have forgiven him for what he put me/us through. I know that no one is perfect and we all have our "crosses" to bear. But to carry our cross as a badge of honor (excuse the analogy) is unacceptable for me. The cross I carry is between me and my God; not me and the world. I will not apologize to just anyone for something I've done that doesn't mesh with "society". If I've hurt someone directly I will apologize once and move on. And to see him struggle hurts my heart. Such a waste of time IMO. Facing the knowledge that you could be sitting outside deaths door is (IMO) not the time to be reminising and beating yourself up for decisions made/done in the past. This time should be used to prepare for what lies ahead, for tests/struggles ahead, to love and celebrate with family/friends, and quite possibly preparing for death.