And now there is one...

I was divorced on Sept 9, 2015 after 10 years 9 months of marriage.  The decision wasn't easy and "blind-sided" my spouse (who felt the marriage was "just fine"/normal).  Despite his lack of self accountability; we are both to blame for the failed marriage.

For my part, I some how got to a place where I no longer felt safe voicing my opinion. I lost my confidence, lost who I was and was constantly second guessing everything about me (my knowledge, my abilities, my loyalties, etc). But one day I woke up (around my 45th birthday) and realized that I could not live the next 10 years like the last 10 years.

Post-split has been about healing, finding my voice, understanding my part in the failed marriage (as well in failed relationships), and educating myself (on anything and everything) that will help me not repeat past mistakes if ever given the chance to "love" someone else again. While it's only been five months, I feel different. I feel better. I'm moving more and eating better (most of the time ).  I'm learning to cut myself some slack, replace negative words with positive, and push myself outside of my comfort zone every now and then.  I finally (at 45) feel optimistic about my future and what I have to offer.

My post split journey HAS been challenging emotionally (a different type of lonely) but I do realize that there is a whole new world out there for me. I realize too that the possibilities seem to be endless even for people over 45; all I have to do is roll with it.  My first "post marriage" trip is coming up March 13th to NYC and I'm so excited I can barely contain myself!

What are you going to do?

What are you going to do? He said it three times. What are you going to do? Each time he asked he said it a lil more desperately.  All I could say is "I don't know fully but definetly pursue professional advancement in my field; I do have a Master's Degree after all."

And it's true, I don't really know. This coming from a Type A personality who typically has a plan A-D. 

I know I want more out of life than sitting on the sidelines cheering someone else on as they pursue (and fulfil) their dreams. I deserve more too.  Don't I? Sure the first couple years of marriage seemed more about us and me.  But as soon as we moved closer to where he grew up, where his mom and siblings were that changed. And not subtly.  As soon as the mortgage paperwork was signed it seemed to be all about him/his family, all the time. All about what he wanted to do. All about what he liked. All about his mother's needs. Even on my birthday one year he had to take her and her dog to the vet for a ROUTINE visit.  It had to be done THAT day? I'm all about helping family but your spouse should NEVER be fourth place on your spouses list.

So here I sit five months post divorce wondering "What am I going to do?".  Sure life has been calmer (I no longer feel like a failure of a spouse) but I haven't outwardly done much.  I am happier; less stress will do that for you.  I'm slimmer/healthier; eating home cooked meals and exercise will do that for you.  But I've certainly made no concrete plans for my future like I did pre marriage (get married, buy a house, have children, live happily ever after).  

So what am I going to do now?  My happily ever after is now where it probably should have been all along; in my hands.  With so many opportunities available, even to a 45 year old, how do you chose what to do? I heard somewhere to seek out your passion, set goals, go forth and conquer.  But I don't know what my passion is and I've set goals before and failed miserably.  I've had plans a, b, c, d and they'll fallen thru.  The only thing I know for certain is that I want to be happy, healthy, confident.

So what am I going to do now?

Out with the Old, in with the New

A few changes happened during the last six months of 2015.  After much thought, tears, prayer I decided to ask my husband for a divorce.  We divorced in September, he moved out in September, and I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders in September. The decision was not made lightly and both hearts were broken. Hopefully over time both hearts will heal and both of us will live happily ever after; seperately.

During the time since the divorce I have rediscovered my courage and voice, enjoyed my alone time (a time of reflection and meditation), and attempted to learn a new "normal".  I've purged and repaired not just myself but my house.  I don't know what the future holds but eventually it will involve selling the house and moving. Until that time I get to enjoy my handy work and "reap the rewards of my labor (by viewing updated, clutter/damage free home environment)".   I've been trying not to spend too much time fretting on "what am I going to do?" And more time on how can I improve, what can I learn, how can I leave the world a better place.  Happy, healthy, confident, active, and open to the endless possibilities of what life has to offer.

Truthfully very little has changed...main thing that has change is that I have sole responsibility for the pups.  I can no longer leave for a long period of time without having to find a dog sitter. Thankfully my mom agreed to let me bring the pups with me when I visit her (and that is working out nicely) and I have found a "dog staycation" place for the very infrequent non family trips. Fingers crossed on that...soon it will be the first time that the pups have been left for more than over night with someone other than myself or my ex.

I don't know what the future holds but I know I'm going to be fine. I'm sure that there is an endless amount of possibilities of what I can do and accomplish.  I can continue to grow mentally, emotionally and physically and embrace what life has to offer.

Enjoying the process...even two and a half months later with a few "no go's"

Choosing happy is getting easier...sometimes a bit trying (like when my allergies are kickin my butt) but still easier.  

The "happy" feeling (which is hard to describe) fills me with hope, courage, and abundance.  I love catching myself smiling (and thinking "this feeling is great!"). On days that I find myself heading down the wrong path, I need only to look at my wrist and read my bracelets (one says "smile" and the other says "do one thing every day that makes YOU happy"). Each night I say my prayers and thank God for all the things I have, the choices I am able to make, and the people in my life. It really is "all about choices". I'm truly grateful.

I've had to step back from a few negative Nancy's; come to the conclusion that I have previously chosen to be a self sacrificer; and routinely remind myself that I do NOT have to control everything because it is impossible to control anything.  Learning to be a "go with the flow" person is hard but for me necessary.  I don't need to have five plans (a,b,c,d,e); a simple idea of what I want to accomplish is suitable.  The last two and half months I've accepted a lot about myself and I'm ok.  I've always known I am a Type A person. People have tried subconsciously to make me feel wrong for being Type A.  But I will no longer feel guilty for being "Totally Type A' (because seriously, without Type A people how would ANYTHING get done?).  I am learning to accept that not everyone is like me, thinks like me, sees the urgency in getting things done like me.  I have learned that I being a self sacrificer is thankless and disheartening. Two feelings I don't like feeling and refuse to feel anymore (I will no longer be a self sacrificer-any decisions I make are for me alone).  To be quite honest, other than the self sacrificing and always being emotionally charged bit of Type A, I love being a Type A. I love being/feeling organized. I love having lists/goals (I just have to cut myself slack if I don't obtain something on the list/goals). I love decisions/choices (I just don't love ALWAYS being the one to make the decisions and then having someone else say "It wasn't my decision-it was all you!").

Life is good. I have everything I need. I am happy with who I am and who I am becoming.